Dear You...

Dear you,

Hear me close,

Hear me clear,

Tell me now,

Never fear,

Tell me that I should move on,

Tell me that I should let you go,

Tell me please,

That I should set you free...

Make me understand,

Make me realize,

For you to step away,

Is a special gift for me to myself,

I just need to hear it from you...

Tell me now,

Never fear...

HEARTBROKEN

Dear Diary,
                 Life kindda sucks since the 20 August last year. After Mummy passed, every bad things that never happen to me before like ever now happens. I never failed my exam in my whole life, when I told people that I failed my Biology in SPM well, I lied. I didnt failed my Bio, its just I hated Bio so much so by saying I flunked it shows how much I hate it, I guess. But Im not lying on saying that every freaking alphabets you could find in my SPM result, except for F or G9.
           
                It's true though when people say that 'a mother's prayer and blessing is the most valuable thing that a child would ever get' and memang betul 'Doa Ibu adalah yg paling mujarab'. I think that is why I got through my life so perfectly but now siapa lagi nak doakan aQ? Bile Mummy meninggal everything went along with her, a friend, my confidence, my shelter and my savior. A week after she passed, I failed my final paper, I had lost interest of going back to classes and for God sake, never in my entire University life I never ever EVER NOT able to finished my assignments on time! You may say Im being silly and abnoxious but in reality is, I will never get through my life without her, without her supports, without her blessing and prayers.

                When she left, I also lost someone that I can talked to. Trying to tricked myself by making amends and try to move on. But I am obviously making a fool for myself. Nothing that I can do can turn the time backwards like the old days. Making amends with AALK is not only keeping me from but its a safe place for me to be secure and make me think that nothing ever happens, a place for me to hide myself from facing the real world, from facing the real truth. But how long I can go on with this? making him my safe armor, one day he will move on and start his own new chapter of life, and what is that going to leave me? Back alone again.

               Day by day Im getting lonelier and lonelier. No one here around me that I could talk to. Yes I have my Dad and Joji staying with me and every time I went to college Ill met my friends, but who am I going to talk to when am facing troubles with my inner self? With my feelings towards.............? Who am I going to talk to when Im facing with my own insecurities, when Im feeling vulnerable? Only Mummy knows who I really love and why do I love him, only she knows what am I feeling and only she knows what can make me happy right now. The only person that I truly know that understands me and knows my pasts and my future is Allah SWT. Every after Maghrib prayers Ill spend about what 15 to 20 minutes to pray, telling Him what has happen today and asking Him whether the things that I did was it the right or wrong thing to do. Even when Im having my period I did the same thing just that I couldnt pray so I just sit beside the window and looking up to the sky and just speak my heart out being assured to myself that Allah listens to me.

             Some other day, I do asked Allah for him to grant me a person that could be with me and listen and understands me as Mummy did so that I can have someone to hold, hug and just lay my head on that person thighs and just stay there for hours without saying a word, complete silence but at least I will feel secure and safe. I do thought that I had already found that person but its going to be a one way feeling kind of thing. By miracles he will see and realize that I actually liked him more then just what we are having now. Sometimes I try to get a bit obvious but just he didnt notice it or he just ignored. Well now his getting engage or planning to get engage with someone that is not ME and now Im just crying myself to sleep in hoping by the time I wake up, everything will turn out the way it suppose to be.

INSPIRED: DEAF/ DUMB

Dear Diary, 
         What do we call when lunch is combine with dinner in one go? LUNCHDINNER? Heeee! Im just bad at giving names ;p Well its not exactly what Im going to type today, so here it goes. 

          Just now went for late lunch plus dinner with Daddy at Carrefour (know is known as AEON). I want to eat KFC, so we went to KFC (McD takde kat Carrefour ;p ). So when I was ordering and the cashier girl was taking my order there are this one lady interrupted me. Well the situation in KFC is not that busy, there were crowds but not lining up crowds. But if you know Malaysia's KFC about their service, busy or not busy, their service are still slow and sucks. So that lady that interrupted me was like some kind or somehow showing a finger motion that shows like a square and something else. So the counter girl interpreted by saying "Nak kotak dengan plastic?" then that lady show with her finger '1'. That time I was only watching with the corner of my eyes, but I dont know a hunch asked me to turn my head to the left. So, then I saw that lady was signing, signing with her hands. She was either deaf or dumb or both. I was surprise.

           I love, I love to watched 'Switched at Birth' episodes. They really inspire me to do something special. Even, because of that episodes, I actually googled for websites that can teach us simple ASL (American Sign Language) and I did picked up some of them. It was hard at first to learn the movement, but at that moment I just imagine, this will be my language if I was turn out that way just as same exactly like them. This 'hard' language is going to be my language. So yea, I like to be emotional at time but it gives me some kind of special kick when I learn this language. Well, when someone makes me angry, I can just yelled "BITCH" using sign language. Muahahahaah! :D

           Ok back to the story. At the counter, other then the counter girl that is serving me (A), there is another counter girl that is doing some housekeeping I guess behind the counter like sweeping the floor and all (B). That B girl is actually making fun of that deaf lady by imitating her signs. I thought that was obviously rude and heartless to do that. Then after A passed the box and plastic to the deaf lady, the lady signed 'Thank You' with your hand flat, four finger slightly touching your chin. Then A replies back by doing the same thing. I was touched by that. But B girl she was laughing and rudely imitating the gesture and trying to make fun out of it. I was like "Why she is acting this way? Why she is making this situation in a giddy way? Does she even own a heart?" I was totally clueless with B emotionless gesture. But I cant do nothing would I.

         Then I took my tray and went to the table where Daddy was sitting. Then I look around for the lady. She was actually with her friends, there were 3 of them, and 3 of them were using sign language. I was totally amazed how does those 3 communicate, without any voice comes out from their mouth, all is only hand movement and face movements that tells the entire story. I could not turn my head away from them, my eyes could not blink looking at them as if there were like this professional theater actors and actresses, like Charlie Chaplin acting movie or something. One of the friend which a guy catches my gaze, so I straight away looked away.

             Its not that Im trying to make fun of that group of people. No, that is not my intention at all. But for me, as a community that should be caring about other people in our community, should we feel responsible in learning their kind of language, a language without have to speak? Ok, my background is a Hospitality background. I studied Hotel management for my Diploma and  now still pursuing Degree in International Hospitality Management. You now days, how people actually eager to send their children or them themselve learning 2nd, 3rd or 4th language, like here in Malaysia, got Bahasa Melayu, Mandarin, Cantonese, Tamil, Hindi and etc. In fact in universities there are compulsory language course that you have to take like Mandarin, France, Japanese or German. But have anyone thought about SIGN LANGUAGE? Dont you think that there is a need for us to try and learn and understand this type of society? And for me, as in a hospitality person, I do feel obligated to learn sign language, and I hope I can be fluent of it. I dont care about speaking Chinese or French or German or Arab or Thai (hehe..sorry AALK!) because the world are now are turning to globalization, where people are force to speak in English, and Googled or Android did have this app where it can translate from any language to any language, its either free or pay. But sign language? 

           And who knows in the future, Ill be serving these kind of people while I am working. Or even helping them for something small. Do you know, this kind of special people, if we the as the majority of the normal people do not care to learn or understand them, they will be forever feel neglected and unacceptable. I told Daddy about these 3 people at KFC and also I told him about something that happens a long long time ago. When I was 9 or 10  or 11 years old, I was staying in Langkawi because my Dad had a job there. So after school, Ill hang out at Daddy's office, so basically I was famous in a sense the everyone in the whole LADA building knows me ;p (nak perasan!) So that time, I loved to hang out at the main receptionist at the ground floor, because how in earth I can make or meet friends that was my age in an office building? So since my younger age I was being friends with an older person. There is one day I was sitting at the receptionist and there is 2 guys approached the counter and showing gesture and movements with their hands. Me and few staff there were also as clueless as me. But I kind of know what they want when one of them are shaping the fingers like a square and another hand was like moving as if holding a pen, so I was like "Oh! dia nak pen dengan kertas" they wanted a pen and paper to write, so we was looking for one and suddenly a man, a regular man that I usually saw him come and go enter and exit the building distracted the 2 signing man and him, himself signed to the 2 men. There were a sign of relief on that 2 guys to finally to have someone that understand them.

            Then the savior men translate to us and says that they were deaf and they actually wanted a job, so is there any vacancies around here, they dont mind if they just have to be a cleaner and sweep the floor. Then I dont really remember what happens next. See people, if we as the community dont care about the special need of the other people, then who else? If the savor men did not showed up, we will have a real bad time and long time to discover what actually they want. They were as humble to work as a cleaner if they had a chance to work. And according to Daddy, he actually told me, these type of people are actually much more better, good and hardworking staffs to be compared to the normal hearing and speaking staffs. Just they were not given the opportunity as us the normal ones because THEY CANT SPEAK! And due to that they were alienated. Are we that ignorant and boastful? There were even this one time when I was working at the ice skating academy, there were 2 guys asking me about on how to purchase the tickets, and there were deaf but they wrote down in a paper written "Kami boleh baca bibir" We can read lips. That time, Switched at Birth was not aired yet, but that time that moment I scolded myself and wished I knew their language so that I serve them better. THEY EVEN TRY OR GIVE AN EFFORT TO FIT IN OUR COMMUNITY! WHY NOT WE TRY TO LEARN AND FIT TO THEM AS WELL?  

           They are not ALIENS, they are human with special gifts. So please, whoever read or reading my post this time, just give an effort or two to learn this kind of language. We are now living in the world of technologies, there is no barrier at all if we want to learn this special language. Understand them for once without having them making the extra effort to make us understand. DO NOT MAKE FUN OF THEM! THERE ARE HUMANS NOT ROBOTS. They themselves do not want to be born that way, and we are making fun of them?