HEARTBROKEN

Dear Diary,
                 Life kindda sucks since the 20 August last year. After Mummy passed, every bad things that never happen to me before like ever now happens. I never failed my exam in my whole life, when I told people that I failed my Biology in SPM well, I lied. I didnt failed my Bio, its just I hated Bio so much so by saying I flunked it shows how much I hate it, I guess. But Im not lying on saying that every freaking alphabets you could find in my SPM result, except for F or G9.
           
                It's true though when people say that 'a mother's prayer and blessing is the most valuable thing that a child would ever get' and memang betul 'Doa Ibu adalah yg paling mujarab'. I think that is why I got through my life so perfectly but now siapa lagi nak doakan aQ? Bile Mummy meninggal everything went along with her, a friend, my confidence, my shelter and my savior. A week after she passed, I failed my final paper, I had lost interest of going back to classes and for God sake, never in my entire University life I never ever EVER NOT able to finished my assignments on time! You may say Im being silly and abnoxious but in reality is, I will never get through my life without her, without her supports, without her blessing and prayers.

                When she left, I also lost someone that I can talked to. Trying to tricked myself by making amends and try to move on. But I am obviously making a fool for myself. Nothing that I can do can turn the time backwards like the old days. Making amends with AALK is not only keeping me from but its a safe place for me to be secure and make me think that nothing ever happens, a place for me to hide myself from facing the real world, from facing the real truth. But how long I can go on with this? making him my safe armor, one day he will move on and start his own new chapter of life, and what is that going to leave me? Back alone again.

               Day by day Im getting lonelier and lonelier. No one here around me that I could talk to. Yes I have my Dad and Joji staying with me and every time I went to college Ill met my friends, but who am I going to talk to when am facing troubles with my inner self? With my feelings towards.............? Who am I going to talk to when Im facing with my own insecurities, when Im feeling vulnerable? Only Mummy knows who I really love and why do I love him, only she knows what am I feeling and only she knows what can make me happy right now. The only person that I truly know that understands me and knows my pasts and my future is Allah SWT. Every after Maghrib prayers Ill spend about what 15 to 20 minutes to pray, telling Him what has happen today and asking Him whether the things that I did was it the right or wrong thing to do. Even when Im having my period I did the same thing just that I couldnt pray so I just sit beside the window and looking up to the sky and just speak my heart out being assured to myself that Allah listens to me.

             Some other day, I do asked Allah for him to grant me a person that could be with me and listen and understands me as Mummy did so that I can have someone to hold, hug and just lay my head on that person thighs and just stay there for hours without saying a word, complete silence but at least I will feel secure and safe. I do thought that I had already found that person but its going to be a one way feeling kind of thing. By miracles he will see and realize that I actually liked him more then just what we are having now. Sometimes I try to get a bit obvious but just he didnt notice it or he just ignored. Well now his getting engage or planning to get engage with someone that is not ME and now Im just crying myself to sleep in hoping by the time I wake up, everything will turn out the way it suppose to be.