I'M A.........................?

Dear Diary,

I'm not a god,

Nor a goddess.

I'm not perfect,

Nor entirely broken.

I'm not famous,

Nor a total stranger.

I'm not pretty,

Nor I'm hideous.

I'm not 100% true,

Nor I'm fake.

I don't know who I am,

Nor even you.

But I know something.

I'm cute.

I'm fair.

I'm not tall.

I'm not short.

I'm dumb but in a smart way.

I'm hardworking.

I'm honest.

I'm a day dreamer.

I'm a night dreamer.

I'm talkative in my head.

I'm passive but active.

I'm a fan of McD.

I'm Lovin It!

Basically, I am ME :)

ANGRY, MAD OR SAD??

Dear Diary,
         I am not angry, Im just sad. So sad to think how foolish I was to be easily to trust someone? Am I that desperate? Oh gosh! I still remember how stubborn I was, how incredibly hard heart-ed I was and how difficult for me to trust someone especially the opposite gender, for God sake, I couldnt even trust my own family back then, so how am I suppose to trust someone that is not my family?!? 

        But I guess, that was then, I think. Is it because that Im now aging? Or because since Mummy passed, I just need someone? Or Im just simply desperate?? Oh Safawati Kamaruddin, how low can I be to be that desperate? Remember the pack that I made to myself? Remember all the hate and the avenges that I carried all this while and what I had been through that has been caused the pain in me physically and mentally??

       Its normal for people to have heart, but its not typical when a person that had been through all that pain, lies, betrayal and just fucked-up-gentlemen has a brain to actually willing themselves to go through all that AGAIN?? So now, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??!!?? 

        I know that God let this situation to happen is to test me, whether Im strong enough to face this and if Im capable to keep the promise to myself. But I am surely, entirely so sure that I had FAIL the test terribly with flying colours!! ALL RED! 

        Gosh! I hate my life! Why cant I just go through something that is less hurtful, something that wont my heart ache or stomach curls and twists. Something that wont break my heart to pieces. Why cant I just have a happy life?   

IS PB? OR IS PB NOT?

Dear Diary,
          Was PB just a mistake? If PB was a mistake, thank God I knew it early so that I dont have to been through in deep shit as what I had been through with DCB. It was horrible and terrifying! But what if PB was not a mistake, maybe PB was just scared. I think I might be able to rely to what PB has been through. Yurp! 

           What can be much more hurtful then knowing your so called loving-boyfriend is married to your own kakak Angkat after I woke up from that dreadful comma....KAN!!! Love much?!? Stupid bloody-hell men. And also knowing that DCB had promised you to be with you and had your back no matter what happen and best friends till death tear us apart......but with a simple blow-off, everything flew away, away, away and away.

           Men. Will always be known by their sweet talks, promises that in the end will be just bullshit and theatrical drama. Will PB falls in the same category. Cause if PB does, men please dont do this to me. I cant really truly take it anymore. I know you know that it hurts, so please dont do this to me. Just go when you still can, go when its still early. 

          But if you are not in the same category as them, please stay, because I am getting used to have you around and I like it. So which one are you PB?

LASAGNA

Dear Diary,
         Today begin with an awful morning, where I woke up being angry because of the dream that I almost scream and I actually punched my bantal peluk and my bantal peluk bang to wall and my heart is beating fast as Im been on a treadmill for half an hour jog. Is no longer a smile terukir on my face whenever I that gentlemen decided to say hello in my dream but from today onward its going to be the worst nightmare.

        Ok whatever! But the mood stretches the whole morning until I started my cooking. Im making Lasagna today! Heeeee :)) !!! I was hype up and getting excited to cook the sauce, smelling the aroma and thinking of what to do, all is jumble up in my head. Letting my body get loose, just go with the flow like always until there this one little situation occur. What the FUCK!!! In the middle of no where and for no reason the situation just occur like....taaaaddddaaaaa!!! My bloods are boiling (ignoring that the sauce is boiling too) and my heart beats more more more and more faster then usual "Who the hell, this fellow thinks he is!!? Just like that?? Am I a robot??" Trying to pushed the situation away and try to calm myself down and concentrate on cooking. Well, everything got much more worse then I could ever imagine. I burned my hand when the hot water spilled on me, didnt get the mirepoix in the right measurement and forget the recipes here and there. So there is a lot of roux incorporated in my lasagna today....haih!!~

      I just feel like crying. Tapi mungkin Allah tuh Maha Adil kan, dia bagi satu berite kurang baik untuk hamba Nya, lepas tuh dia bagi berita gembira pulak :)) Nina call asking whether the Lasagna is ready or not and she told me that everyone is coming to eat = THE KIDS!!! Yea :))) At least hilang jugak rasa sunyi aQ :D Daddy pown excited :)) Once the Lasagna is cooked and baked, 15 minutes later they arrived and Im back smiling again........ Tapi Aisyah demam panas, kesian dia...layu je dia. Dah laa kurus kering, sakit pulak tuh, panas sangat badan dia. Tapi kalau Ben, nampak makanan je...amboi terus ke dapur. Heheehe :)) Terhibur laaa jugak tengok aksi aksi budak budak nih ;p

This is what I did to my lasagna ;p

Sian Adik, toye je muka :((

Dear Diary,
         aQ tahu, Allah tidak akan memberikan sesuatu yang aQ tak mampu nak tanggung. Walaupon perit, walaupon pedih tapi Dia tahu aQ kuat, Dia tahu aQ tidak perlu bergantung kepada sesiapa dan Dia tahu diri aQ lebih daripada aQ mengenali diri aQ sendiri. Dan aQ juga tahu yang segala apa yang Engkau berikan, segala ujian adalah semata mata untuk aQ menguatkan diri aQ sendiri dan lebih gagah untuk aQ maju kehadapan. aQ adalah hamba Mu Ya Allah and I am my Mummy's daughter, she is the most strongest person that I would ever know and I know I am just like her. I am strong like her and I can get through all this pain~

A DREAM IS A DREAM

Dear Diary,
         Dida and Kak Intan went to Jakarta today, maybe went to buy some material-sewing things that I have no knowledge off ;p Tapi tadi (Since I have to assignments, and I usually start of in the middle of the night so I decided to have an early nap just now) mimpikan Mummy. The situation is probably in the sewing room downstairs and Mummy just came home from Jakarta :))) Mummy was so happy coming back from Jakarta, even though sometimes she do look serious but in a good and happy way. I asked her hows Jakarta and she replied "Best! Banyak kain kat sane cantik cantik and that person wants to come down and see the kilang and kedai Bangi.." I know that Mummy does not really keen to go to Indonesia because of her past experience that she went with Opah Tam before so I asked her again "Bersih ke kat sane..." then she answered "Ok laaa, its improved..." I miss you Mummy, and Im happy that you are happy now <3 :)))

        Selalunye kan, since sebelum Mummy meninggal lagi. Every time aQ mimpikan Mummy 'dia' mesti muncul sekali, he just MUST appear! I dont know why he have to be presence but there he is, even he is not on the same scene at Mummy but he must be in the dream that Im having in the same NIGHT! Tension juga bila asyik-asyik 'dia' muncul kan but at same time I do miss him so Im a bit happy to see him in my dream. Haih! aQ  pon tak tahu la apa kena dengan aQ ni? Meroyan agaknya. In my dream, he was happy posting pictures and updating status in FB :)) Im glad that he is and hope he is really happy now no matter with or without someone but I hope and pray that he is happy with what he is doing currently. I know he is determine kind of person and I cant wait to read up about his current project in the newspaper :)) If not mistaken it will be launch on June, 'dia' cakap laaa... 

         Oh well! A dream is a dream :)) But I am happy to see both of them :D Bye bye for now!~

CLARIFY

Dear Readers,
         Since the numbers at the counter is increasing and I actually could not believe it but Alhamdulillah ada jugak orang nak peduli pasal aQ ;p Ok! I just want to clarify few things (I never thought I would do this but yeah! Im doing doing it!) first of all, maybe some of you are little bit weird on the language that I had been using for this blog and also when I use English you could read a lot of GRAMMAR mistakes all over my post..hehe! ;p Well that is the reason why I called my blog 'My Diary'. I am from Malaysia, and I am a Malay (quarter Chinese) but I dont speak Chinese and was raised by the Malay customs and teaching (a bit British because of my parents but my parents are not British...haih! ;p ). Therefore, my mother tongue is Bahasa Melayu but I also communicate in English as well. And I thank my Mummy and Daddy and my siblings due to the frequent usage of communicating in English. So I hope that explains the mixtures of language in my posts. For the grammar part; The real reason for me to set up this blog is for me to voice out or write out my real life experience. At first, I dont really care whether my blog is being read by others or not, I just want to let it out. So that is why I named it 'My Diary'. Once I write it, I dont bother to correct it or to change what I had wrote because it was my experience and I dont want to, not in this world to change a single bit of what had happen. So, I just write write write TYPE! Then Ill post it just like that :D 

      I hope it make sense to all of you (readers) and Im really really sorry if reading my posts is making you migraine or getting headaches and seeing bunch of ponies running around and jumping the gate ;p just because you want to figure out "what in the world this crazy girl trying to SAY!!!!" ;p  So that is it! I guess...Thank you for reading my posts and I hope you will enjoy my stories :)))