ACCEPTANCE

Dear Diary,
            Its hard to accept when a person that used to care of me before is now caring about somebody else. And despite all that, the somebody that he care now is much more better then I do. It feels like so "FUCK YOU!!" But then what am I suppose to do. I cant hate him, I really cant but I cant love him either. I really prayed that Allah will give me an answer.

            Anyway I am now on my way to Sungkai. Abg G will pick me up at KLCC then shoot off to Sungkai. Herm...org sebelah aQ cakal pasal McD laa lak. Ouh! Im in the KTM train now, heading to Kl Sentral, maybe gonna shop for a selendang, yellow selendang to macth my baju raya Haji that Daddy bought for me 2 days ago. Maybe Im going to post a picture of the dress later.

           Well for the time being. I am happy that Im going back to Mummy's place ♡

CINTA

Cinta...
Kenapa engkau ada?
Kenapa engkau  hadir?
Di saat aku tidak meminta.
Di masa aku tidak merayu.


Cinta...
Kemanakah engkau?
Bila engkau berlalu?
Tika aku berduka.
Mendambakan kasih.


Cinta...
Adakah hanya aku?
Atau emang benar bukan aku yang bermimpi?
Impikan sesuatu yang tidak mungkin aku miliki.
Yang separuh hatiku ada pada dia?

DREAM

Deat Diary,
           Malam semalam aQ bermimpi. Maybe aQ tido bkn niat nak tido but jst to take a short nap, and maybe bdn aQ mmg keletihan shotg nap = beauty sleep. So mmg laa tk basuh kaki sume kan (kantoi jugK!). Dalam mimpi tuh ade Mummy. Cerita dia, we are actually going somewhers, vacation maybe. Then its like, Mummy is driving, is quite late in the day coz wht I remembered was a dark surrounding not tht dark, dusk maybe. We are preparing ourselves for the vacation and Mummy drove off. Then it was like we made a few pit stop but Im not sure where is the place. Lepas tuh time is about 2 am then sekali we were in a accident and I saw Mummy bump her dead really really hard and she is not moving, I tried to wake her up, but she is not moving. Then I noticed tht she was gone!

            After tht incident, I was praying hard to god to turn back time, I was begging please please please turn back time, coz I was not ready to lose my Mom and Ill do whatever it takes to save her this time. So maybe God granted my wish and I was back at the exact place where the dream starts. We are again getting ready to go somewhere and I saw Mummy, Ya Allah, I was so happy tht time I start to give my Mom a big giant hug. Suddenly I remembered th tI have to stop her for going to the trip. Its like Mummy still wNt to go ahead with the trip, then I started to convinced my other siblings not to let Mummy drive until 2 am. It was hard at the beginning to convinced thm. The trip was still on and Mummy was still driving. At the same time I didnt stop to convincing others to not letting Mummy drive until 2 am.

           Then a spin took place, the trip is still on but Mummy board a plane. Alone. But at tht time, I was relive tht at least my Mom would be save, at least the car accident wont happen. Then I waited for my mom, I watched the plane took off, I saw the plane is now I dont know how many feet above the ground and I was smiling. Suddenly, a strong wind blew my face, as I squint my eyes I saw the plane was also hit by the wind and the plane turn turning-turtle 360 degrees and flew helplessly and CRASH! I screamed my lungs out calling Mummy, my tears were like raindrops. The last thing I knew, Mummy dah tak  ada. Lepas tuh macam ade org cakap bgrtaw aQ yg semua ini takdir Allah, and even how hard I tried to save her, I dont have the power to go against, Kun Fa Ya Kun.

           Well the dream doesnt stops there where it continues to dream Double Cheese Burger. Yea I know, I know I should forget about him. But there's the thing, every time I managed to forget about him or I have a happier day not thinking bout him, then Ill dream about him. Haih! Trust me, I also dunno what to do! Ok in the dream, I saw him with a girl (I guess it must be the girl tht I saw at Subang Parade with him few weeks ago) they are so happy, close and some mushy stuff happen (ok this mushy stuff happen bcoz of to much reading Wattpad!! And I did read about Marnie kissed Scott so lovingly before went to sleep..haha!) Details, I dont think I want to share. Ill share if Im the one who is doing the kissing with my prince charming, thn Ill share ;p Back to Double Cheese Burger, thy look so happy together, so sweet and loving. So who am I nak kacau bilaukan hubungan derang? Well maybe this is a goodbye dream then, good luck to both of you. See you if you still remember me to be one of the invitation list for your kenduri kawin!~

TAKDIR

Dear Diary,
            The feelings tht hunted me 2 years back are crawling inside my bones, eating it slowly as it creeps towards my heart. The feeling of disappointment and frustration. I am doubting my decisions of moving on and the questions of what if and why keeps popping into my super short hair head. Urgh!! I really hate this feelings. Why cant I just decide and stick to it and move on! Why it is so hard for me to let go this Double Cheese Burger HUMAN!! Is he really a human? Then why is he so over powering towards me? Every time I try to forget, the more I miss him, the more I cudnt let him go! This human or may not be human guy has a GF laa Uriey Safa! What am I still hoping for? Miracle? ALLAH already granted me 2 miracle by giving me chances to wake up from tht dreadful comma, twice Safa TWICE! What other miracle tht Im hoping for? Tht for tht human to come running back to me? Just like in my dream, tht the human will always be there for me? Dreams do come true, but in this situation 'the dream' will never come true. YA ALLAH please let me forget him, please let me forget tht human.

              The moment I saw him at Subang Parade few weeks ago and quite a sweet girl talking and smiling, I just saw sparkles in the girl's pair of eyes. I did want to jump in and say hello, Oh my dear God, I really really do want to say Hello, its killing me right tht moment not to say hello. But when I saw tht human curik curik pandang at her and when he look away, she look at him, i just stopped and instead walking forward, im walking backwards. I dont want to turn my back on him and I know I was going the wrong way but I just had to when I bumped of one of the trainers at Celebrity Fitness. "Are you ok?" "I am not ok."

              Mummy once told me tht "You dont have to end up with ur own circle of friends" and everytime I try to get bck to him by all the telco providers method but he jst shut me down, it feels like a dagger had reached its target, right into my soul. Mummy knows how Im feeling, she always look at me when Im down and hugged me and kissed my forehead "Its ok my princess, I will always love and be there for you. He is some guy tht didnt know how to appreciated the things tht u had given and done for him." And everytime I just let myself cry of shame and disappointment  Mummy just say "He is a fool letting you go. He already break his promise towards you and the promise tht he told me. He is not worth it. You will find someone better." I know Mummy just saying to keep me calmed by saying tht but the truth is Mummy herself are fond to him. Tht is the biggest reason of my feelings, when I see him with Mummy they were so comfortable, and he and Daddy, thy almost shared the same interest and they just click since the very 1st time my parents met him, they are ngam like tht, like a fondant perfectly attached to a delicate cake. Mummy knows tht Id regretted on the things I had done. Even tho its not 100% caused by me, I may contributed like 28% of it, out of anger and rage and fear it is enough to destroy a friendship.

                I always told Mummy tht we are just friends. But who am I to lie to her. Mummy knows me well, well enough to know where is my biggest scar on my body. She knows just looking into my eyes and my sadness tht I do have 'more thn friend' feelings towards him. But me being me, I denied it straight away! Im not the type of girl tht wants a fairy-tale romantic relationship, I just want an honest true relationship. But when I get it, I become to over protective thn when I started of losing grip, then is when Im starting to FREAK OUT! Mummy told me tht I am just like a white pearl, ugly and hard at the outside (shell) but once its open it becomes priceless but when the pearl is brushed and washed it become something beautiful and pricey. That is why Ustaz Hafiz gave me another name, Intan Baiduri (tht is how U-Riey came around).

              Why do I have know this human? Why does this human have to come into my life? And why the heck Im giving this human a McDonald's nickname? I should give him a KFC's nickname instead! Like super hideous Crunchy Spicy Chicken...yuck! Why do I have to fall for this human? Well, the answer will be quite obvious i guess, its destined...TAKDIR.

                

Dedicated to Double Cheese Burger

Dear Diary,
          FRIENDS. We wont be more then just friends. Close friends. Soul mate. Best Friends Forever. U just name it, semua kita dah janji. But why cant we be more then just friends? Is it a fault to be that? I think 'awkward' would be the answer. But its still not a sin right? Its not betraying the country until we can be jail or get thrown out of the country by just doing that right? And still its 'awkward'.

        Well, I think its a bit to late right now. After of what had happened, after he knows the real me and my feelings towards him (not verbally, but by action and I hope he understand it. Which I think he did) things get awfully strange and awkward. I really wish that I can just turn back time, and do things differently by just maintaining the feelings by being just BFF. And now after that 'turn-out' things had been gaping and an invisible The Bridge of China has separated us.

           As time goes by, we did have our own lives and our own responsibilities and our own dreams to reach for. And as time goes by, I do tried to redeveloped my feeling from 'more then just friends' to back to 'just friends'. And its surprising the more hard I tried, the more feelings is developing. Plus, its been a while since I met him (few months).

         Before, when things are good between us. We are very much like kumbang and even after we met or 'date' we still stuck with our phone and sms-ing. If not, in front of our computers, ym-ing or video messaging or calling through ym. I do think at that time, he has the same feelings like I do. The way he acted around me or virtually around me its so comfortable (or its only me that has the feelings? tepuk sebelah kaki laaa plak kan). I just can tell everything about me to him and he does the same thing to (I still remember the pad and tampon conversation, its weird! 12/10) Then everything goes so wrong when I started the 'fear' of losing him to someone else, that time everything, every actions, every words, every moments, EVERYTHING just went WRONG!

          After finally we managed to end it all, our friendship, our memories and our promises and oaths. I regretted, but its too late. Damage has been done and decision has been said. Between us now are just strangers. Strangers that each of of us know the exact person who we were before. Strangers that strangely had entered to each other lives once upon a time ago. Strangers that comes from sworn Best Friends. Its scary to think that lives work this way. Everything goes round, not a a square nor a triangle where we can easily see what is down and up. 

          And now the fear of losing is switched to a fear of saying goodbye. He has a GF now. Which by knowing him for a long time, his GF now is exactly like he liked, Chinese look, fair and chubby (Mummy also guess the same thing too). I dont want to lose him, I seriously dont. Tapi nih semua takdir. Takdir dah menemukan yang lebih baik untuk dia dan lebih sempurna dari aQ untuk dia. Jadi aQ kat sini cuma mampu mendoakan agar dia bahagia dan Insya Allah akan menemui kebahgiaan aQ walau denga apa pun caranya.

One & Only

Watch "Adele - One and only" on YouTube


Dear Diary,
         Im officially a Wattpad addict! I love meljar2012's stories <3 Well currently Im hooked on 'Just You', its a continuity from 'Just A Kiss Goodnight' whereby the main characters for both of the book is actually best of friends. 'Just A Kiss Goodnight' is amazing! Topped 'Twilight' for me. But I dont want the story to be a movie, it is much more fun if you can imagined in your head while reading (seductively I have!) 

        This song (the one that I posted) is actually from 'Just You' when Marnie sang in her bathroom out loud, I think intentionally to make Scoot understand the lyrics ;p . And when Im reading this 2 books, well of coz Mollie and Marnie was me and Callen and Scoot was Double Cheeseburger. Hahah! While Brock is McChiken, OMG! Ok done for now :D

When you love someone for so long, how do you give them up? Even despite the heartbreak they caused? (Marnie, Just You)

p/s: If you dont understand where Im coming from. Just go to wattpad (u can dload it to ur tablet or read it through ur comp or lappy) and read 'Just A Kiss Goodnight' AND THEN 'Just You'.