FRIENDS. We wont be more then just friends. Close friends. Soul mate. Best Friends Forever. U just name it, semua kita dah janji. But why cant we be more then just friends? Is it a fault to be that? I think 'awkward' would be the answer. But its still not a sin right? Its not betraying the country until we can be jail or get thrown out of the country by just doing that right? And still its 'awkward'.
Well, I think its a bit to late right now. After of what had happened, after he knows the real me and my feelings towards him (not verbally, but by action and I hope he understand it. Which I think he did) things get awfully strange and awkward. I really wish that I can just turn back time, and do things differently by just maintaining the feelings by being just BFF. And now after that 'turn-out' things had been gaping and an invisible The Bridge of China has separated us.
As time goes by, we did have our own lives and our own responsibilities and our own dreams to reach for. And as time goes by, I do tried to redeveloped my feeling from 'more then just friends' to back to 'just friends'. And its surprising the more hard I tried, the more feelings is developing. Plus, its been a while since I met him (few months).
Before, when things are good between us. We are very much like kumbang and even after we met or 'date' we still stuck with our phone and sms-ing. If not, in front of our computers, ym-ing or video messaging or calling through ym. I do think at that time, he has the same feelings like I do. The way he acted around me or virtually around me its so comfortable (or its only me that has the feelings? tepuk sebelah kaki laaa plak kan). I just can tell everything about me to him and he does the same thing to (I still remember the pad and tampon conversation, its weird! 12/10) Then everything goes so wrong when I started the 'fear' of losing him to someone else, that time everything, every actions, every words, every moments, EVERYTHING just went WRONG!
After finally we managed to end it all, our friendship, our memories and our promises and oaths. I regretted, but its too late. Damage has been done and decision has been said. Between us now are just strangers. Strangers that each of of us know the exact person who we were before. Strangers that strangely had entered to each other lives once upon a time ago. Strangers that comes from sworn Best Friends. Its scary to think that lives work this way. Everything goes round, not a a square nor a triangle where we can easily see what is down and up.
And now the fear of losing is switched to a fear of saying goodbye. He has a GF now. Which by knowing him for a long time, his GF now is exactly like he liked, Chinese look, fair and chubby (Mummy also guess the same thing too). I dont want to lose him, I seriously dont. Tapi nih semua takdir. Takdir dah menemukan yang lebih baik untuk dia dan lebih sempurna dari aQ untuk dia. Jadi aQ kat sini cuma mampu mendoakan agar dia bahagia dan Insya Allah akan menemui kebahgiaan aQ walau denga apa pun caranya.
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