HEART ATTACK

Dear Diary,
         Ya Allah, I love him so much until my heart hurts. My body is in pain and my knees are weak every time I think that he is happy with someone else. I know that I should not think of him but when I held baby Sara in my arms and watched her falling asleep, I just prayed in my heart that I wish I have a baby like her and suddenly his name popped up in my head. Even I do feel annoyed and wanted to shake his name out from my head, but while I looked at baby Sara, I just could not do it and instead I smiled. Im such a fool! Letting him played my feelings like this. And Im such a fool for letting him in for god sake! 

        I deleted him few days ago but I just added him back few hours ago. I could not risk myself on keeping him anymore but at the same time, I can risk myself of letting him go. Its kind of like a 'jongkat-jongket' thing. Ya Allah, what should I do? Getting to know new people? I did that and even there are some potentials, just waiting for me to say yes. But I could not say yes, I could not betray myself and I could not let myself be the old me by having 2 - 3 boyfriends at one time and when I get bored I just dumped them. And that was after  I got hurt by Fique, purely based on vengeance. I dont want to be that person anymore, I am not that person anymore.