????

Dear Diary,

          mmmmmmmm....daaaaaaaa.....pppprrrrrrrrrrrrr....uuuuuuuu......gugugaga......aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.. Research researh research........ zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!~ 

         Haaa! Lupe....no more PB! hiks! Dah dia tak suke, what to do....da di du.... Owh! I have MACADO! Macado-do-do!!! Who is tht who is tht??? hehehe, later I will story the morry okey and...........theres this newbie in town...hehe!Its been AWHILE since my last post...and you never change a BIT! Hehe, its good to have something that u no need to change like clothes kan!!?? Am I making sense? Owh well, most of the time..........................NOT! ;p

       Im working on my thesis now, just wanna say HELLO and ADIOS actually.....so later!~


p/s: dah pepagi bute macam nih, tambah pulak dengan sejuk hujan....... RINDU LAA PULAK!!! haih!!~ I wish he knows that I miss himmmm...............tp tadi die leh cite yg he saw the picture :( huhu! Ouh well....takpelaa as long as I keep my mind straight and think positive (even a bit tiny bitsy itsy jealous) and try my very top on the world best!!~ haip! But kalau tak dapat gak, hanya Allah saje tahu kenape.....

SALAM RAMADAN :)

Dear Diary,
          Salam Ramadan semua! :) Tak terlewat lagi kan nak ucap SELAMAT MENYAMBUT BULAN PUASA, puase jangan tak puase ;p This Ramadan is the first Ramadan that I have to go through without Mummy. Memanglaa menangis dan sayu sambut Ramadan tahun nih tapi aQ tahu, aQ kena kuat sebab banyak lagi Ramadan yang akan aQ sambut tanpa Mummy. aQ kena cuba sesuaikan diri tanpa Mummy.

         On the first day of Ramadan I tried to cook Mummy's most favorite dish iaitu Rendang Kerang! Confident gila aQ boleh execute Rendang Kerang tuh, confident nih! Sekali time berbuke, terlebih terkuat laa pulak rencah dan rempah dalam rendang tuh..haha! Banyak bende yang aQ masak sejak dua menjak nih, lebih lebih lagi aQ dah habis exam. Ye aQ ingat, aQ masih lagi ada Research...Questionnaire tak buat buat lagi kan?? Mati aQ! ;p 

        Tapi sebelum datangnye bulan Ramadan, macam last year laa aQ bersihkan rumah, cuci, sapu, mop kemas sume biar lantai rumah nih nampak berkilat :) Nanti mana laa tahu Insya Allah Mummy nak datang jenguk rumah nih, biar tersenyum Mummy macam senyuman terakhir dia tuh tgk anak bongsu perempuan die kemas rumah :)))

       Tapi kan Mummy, Safa rindu sangat kat Mummy. Setakat bulan puasa nih Safa selalu masak and every time Safa masak, mesti teringatkan Mummy "kan best kalau Mummy dapat rase ape Safa masak...." Pastu Safa ingat yang Mummy pernah cerite yang Mummy suke tanam pokok, kat rumah Kelana Jaya dulu ade banyak sangat pokok, pokok sayur, pokok bunga, pokok rambutan pon ade, tapi Safa cube tanam pokok herbs je laa ek ;p nak tengok ade bakat tak.

       Well for the time being, nih je laaa routine aQ. Duduk rumah, bangun pagi, pergi pasar, balik rumah, masak, basuh baju (lupe nnt kena lipat baju yg dah berlonggok depan katil aQ nih, sebab 'cuti' pon nak abeh dah, nnt tkde tmpt nak solat lak..) basuh pinggan dan lain lain. Memang aQ tkde life pown kalau nak ikutkan, tapi kenape tkde pulak kan? Ape yg aQ buat skang nih laa LIFE aQ sekarang. Bukan takde life but changing the way of life ;p 

        Owh ye, tadi masak berbuke Mee Kari ;p Boleh pulak Mak Afiq nak bg aQ mee kuning, mee goreng dah buat semalam, so mee kari laa hari nih kan. Memang aQ tk pernah buat Mee Kari sebelum nih tp try laa jugak kan denga confident level yg tinggi. Sekali menjadi laa plak...ngeee! Sedap lak tuh (BANGGE) siap buat begerdil tuh, haaa jgn main main ;p Kalau tak disebabkan mee kuning mamat tuh laa, aQ takkan tahu yg aQ reti masak Mee Kari ;p Muuuaaaahahaahahah!!~

THE LAVANDULA PROJECT: LAVENDER CUSTARD

Dear Diary,
         The story begins a few days ago when I wanted to make trifle for Iftar. When making the custard I suddenly realized that I had ran out Vanilla Essence (suspend sound PLEASE!!) So as for me trying to be wacky different, think out of the box wanna be I said "Never mind lah! Use what I have only.." 

         Initially I wanted to incorporate lavender leaves with the custard (one portion) and the other portion make it as normal adding vanilla. But since there is no vanilla, so I grated some lemon zest.

        So, there are 2 portion of custard for my trifle both is without vanilla essence! One is lavender custard and the other is lemon custard. The lemon custard is acceptable but you still feel like something is missing (is vanilla essence laaa) so ok whatever. But the lavender custard is really truly horrible!! It taste like EARTH plus cinnamon and rosemary and star anise and EARTH and then custard. It taste wrong.

       But since I have already tasted the taste of lavender, so I decided to give it another try with the presence of vanilla essence and also vary important! I HAD FINELY CHOP THE LEAVES TO FINE FINE FINE CHOP. So the video under is the review. 

      Sorry people, the video review is mostly Im speaking Malay or Bahasa Melayu. It's because it is my first video of making a review so Im a bit nervous and scare if I mumble and say wrong words, hehe ;p But the conclusion is, you can infuse the lavender inside your delicate custard, but make sure its with vanilla essence. I had read about lavender with lemon, but I havent try it yet and therefore, for my future videos, Ill try my best to converse it in English so that all my out-of-sudden reader can understand.

ENJOY!!

   

GIVE MY HEART A BREAK (dah cam lirik lagu lak da! ;p )

Dear Diary,
         kalau aQ ade guts macam dalam mimpi aQ kan best! ;p Buat selambe rono je gi kat that guy and say "Saya sukekan awak lebih dari seorang kawan. Tapi kalau awak tak sukekan saya, saya tak kesah.." patu blah! Macam tuh je ;p Tapi ko gile aQ nak buat macam tuh in real life??? Mahu terkencing aQ dalam seluar sebelum mengeluarkana perkataan pertama. Bende lain suruh buat boleh laa aQ buat, tp confess mengonfess nih.......NAH! 

        But a dream is a dream laa kan. Sebelum aQ tidur pon, I cry myself to sleep. Kenape menangis? Ntahlaaa, maybe rase rindu kot, rindu dengan sunyi. aQ tahu yang aQ ade banyak bende nak kena buat, study, skate, masak, kemas, study, skate ;p and banyak bende yang aQ dream of that needs more then just being hardworking. But dalam diri aQ nih, dalam jiwa aQ nih, memang dah kosong. Macam otak aQ tahu aQ kena buat nih dan tuh, but hati aQ macam....mmmmmmm aaaaaaaaaa dduuuhhhhhhhhhhh....

        Nak study pon macam, seriously I had already tried so many methods to get me studying but I just dont have my heart to do it! Banyak sangat ke setan bergayut dalam hati aQ nih??? If can there only be a person to give my heart back or a way that I can do to get my heart back, please lead me to the person or show me the way~ 

I'M A.........................?

Dear Diary,

I'm not a god,

Nor a goddess.

I'm not perfect,

Nor entirely broken.

I'm not famous,

Nor a total stranger.

I'm not pretty,

Nor I'm hideous.

I'm not 100% true,

Nor I'm fake.

I don't know who I am,

Nor even you.

But I know something.

I'm cute.

I'm fair.

I'm not tall.

I'm not short.

I'm dumb but in a smart way.

I'm hardworking.

I'm honest.

I'm a day dreamer.

I'm a night dreamer.

I'm talkative in my head.

I'm passive but active.

I'm a fan of McD.

I'm Lovin It!

Basically, I am ME :)

ANGRY, MAD OR SAD??

Dear Diary,
         I am not angry, Im just sad. So sad to think how foolish I was to be easily to trust someone? Am I that desperate? Oh gosh! I still remember how stubborn I was, how incredibly hard heart-ed I was and how difficult for me to trust someone especially the opposite gender, for God sake, I couldnt even trust my own family back then, so how am I suppose to trust someone that is not my family?!? 

        But I guess, that was then, I think. Is it because that Im now aging? Or because since Mummy passed, I just need someone? Or Im just simply desperate?? Oh Safawati Kamaruddin, how low can I be to be that desperate? Remember the pack that I made to myself? Remember all the hate and the avenges that I carried all this while and what I had been through that has been caused the pain in me physically and mentally??

       Its normal for people to have heart, but its not typical when a person that had been through all that pain, lies, betrayal and just fucked-up-gentlemen has a brain to actually willing themselves to go through all that AGAIN?? So now, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??!!?? 

        I know that God let this situation to happen is to test me, whether Im strong enough to face this and if Im capable to keep the promise to myself. But I am surely, entirely so sure that I had FAIL the test terribly with flying colours!! ALL RED! 

        Gosh! I hate my life! Why cant I just go through something that is less hurtful, something that wont my heart ache or stomach curls and twists. Something that wont break my heart to pieces. Why cant I just have a happy life?   

IS PB? OR IS PB NOT?

Dear Diary,
          Was PB just a mistake? If PB was a mistake, thank God I knew it early so that I dont have to been through in deep shit as what I had been through with DCB. It was horrible and terrifying! But what if PB was not a mistake, maybe PB was just scared. I think I might be able to rely to what PB has been through. Yurp! 

           What can be much more hurtful then knowing your so called loving-boyfriend is married to your own kakak Angkat after I woke up from that dreadful comma....KAN!!! Love much?!? Stupid bloody-hell men. And also knowing that DCB had promised you to be with you and had your back no matter what happen and best friends till death tear us apart......but with a simple blow-off, everything flew away, away, away and away.

           Men. Will always be known by their sweet talks, promises that in the end will be just bullshit and theatrical drama. Will PB falls in the same category. Cause if PB does, men please dont do this to me. I cant really truly take it anymore. I know you know that it hurts, so please dont do this to me. Just go when you still can, go when its still early. 

          But if you are not in the same category as them, please stay, because I am getting used to have you around and I like it. So which one are you PB?

LASAGNA

Dear Diary,
         Today begin with an awful morning, where I woke up being angry because of the dream that I almost scream and I actually punched my bantal peluk and my bantal peluk bang to wall and my heart is beating fast as Im been on a treadmill for half an hour jog. Is no longer a smile terukir on my face whenever I that gentlemen decided to say hello in my dream but from today onward its going to be the worst nightmare.

        Ok whatever! But the mood stretches the whole morning until I started my cooking. Im making Lasagna today! Heeeee :)) !!! I was hype up and getting excited to cook the sauce, smelling the aroma and thinking of what to do, all is jumble up in my head. Letting my body get loose, just go with the flow like always until there this one little situation occur. What the FUCK!!! In the middle of no where and for no reason the situation just occur like....taaaaddddaaaaa!!! My bloods are boiling (ignoring that the sauce is boiling too) and my heart beats more more more and more faster then usual "Who the hell, this fellow thinks he is!!? Just like that?? Am I a robot??" Trying to pushed the situation away and try to calm myself down and concentrate on cooking. Well, everything got much more worse then I could ever imagine. I burned my hand when the hot water spilled on me, didnt get the mirepoix in the right measurement and forget the recipes here and there. So there is a lot of roux incorporated in my lasagna today....haih!!~

      I just feel like crying. Tapi mungkin Allah tuh Maha Adil kan, dia bagi satu berite kurang baik untuk hamba Nya, lepas tuh dia bagi berita gembira pulak :)) Nina call asking whether the Lasagna is ready or not and she told me that everyone is coming to eat = THE KIDS!!! Yea :))) At least hilang jugak rasa sunyi aQ :D Daddy pown excited :)) Once the Lasagna is cooked and baked, 15 minutes later they arrived and Im back smiling again........ Tapi Aisyah demam panas, kesian dia...layu je dia. Dah laa kurus kering, sakit pulak tuh, panas sangat badan dia. Tapi kalau Ben, nampak makanan je...amboi terus ke dapur. Heheehe :)) Terhibur laaa jugak tengok aksi aksi budak budak nih ;p

This is what I did to my lasagna ;p

Sian Adik, toye je muka :((

Dear Diary,
         aQ tahu, Allah tidak akan memberikan sesuatu yang aQ tak mampu nak tanggung. Walaupon perit, walaupon pedih tapi Dia tahu aQ kuat, Dia tahu aQ tidak perlu bergantung kepada sesiapa dan Dia tahu diri aQ lebih daripada aQ mengenali diri aQ sendiri. Dan aQ juga tahu yang segala apa yang Engkau berikan, segala ujian adalah semata mata untuk aQ menguatkan diri aQ sendiri dan lebih gagah untuk aQ maju kehadapan. aQ adalah hamba Mu Ya Allah and I am my Mummy's daughter, she is the most strongest person that I would ever know and I know I am just like her. I am strong like her and I can get through all this pain~

A DREAM IS A DREAM

Dear Diary,
         Dida and Kak Intan went to Jakarta today, maybe went to buy some material-sewing things that I have no knowledge off ;p Tapi tadi (Since I have to assignments, and I usually start of in the middle of the night so I decided to have an early nap just now) mimpikan Mummy. The situation is probably in the sewing room downstairs and Mummy just came home from Jakarta :))) Mummy was so happy coming back from Jakarta, even though sometimes she do look serious but in a good and happy way. I asked her hows Jakarta and she replied "Best! Banyak kain kat sane cantik cantik and that person wants to come down and see the kilang and kedai Bangi.." I know that Mummy does not really keen to go to Indonesia because of her past experience that she went with Opah Tam before so I asked her again "Bersih ke kat sane..." then she answered "Ok laaa, its improved..." I miss you Mummy, and Im happy that you are happy now <3 :)))

        Selalunye kan, since sebelum Mummy meninggal lagi. Every time aQ mimpikan Mummy 'dia' mesti muncul sekali, he just MUST appear! I dont know why he have to be presence but there he is, even he is not on the same scene at Mummy but he must be in the dream that Im having in the same NIGHT! Tension juga bila asyik-asyik 'dia' muncul kan but at same time I do miss him so Im a bit happy to see him in my dream. Haih! aQ  pon tak tahu la apa kena dengan aQ ni? Meroyan agaknya. In my dream, he was happy posting pictures and updating status in FB :)) Im glad that he is and hope he is really happy now no matter with or without someone but I hope and pray that he is happy with what he is doing currently. I know he is determine kind of person and I cant wait to read up about his current project in the newspaper :)) If not mistaken it will be launch on June, 'dia' cakap laaa... 

         Oh well! A dream is a dream :)) But I am happy to see both of them :D Bye bye for now!~

CLARIFY

Dear Readers,
         Since the numbers at the counter is increasing and I actually could not believe it but Alhamdulillah ada jugak orang nak peduli pasal aQ ;p Ok! I just want to clarify few things (I never thought I would do this but yeah! Im doing doing it!) first of all, maybe some of you are little bit weird on the language that I had been using for this blog and also when I use English you could read a lot of GRAMMAR mistakes all over my post..hehe! ;p Well that is the reason why I called my blog 'My Diary'. I am from Malaysia, and I am a Malay (quarter Chinese) but I dont speak Chinese and was raised by the Malay customs and teaching (a bit British because of my parents but my parents are not British...haih! ;p ). Therefore, my mother tongue is Bahasa Melayu but I also communicate in English as well. And I thank my Mummy and Daddy and my siblings due to the frequent usage of communicating in English. So I hope that explains the mixtures of language in my posts. For the grammar part; The real reason for me to set up this blog is for me to voice out or write out my real life experience. At first, I dont really care whether my blog is being read by others or not, I just want to let it out. So that is why I named it 'My Diary'. Once I write it, I dont bother to correct it or to change what I had wrote because it was my experience and I dont want to, not in this world to change a single bit of what had happen. So, I just write write write TYPE! Then Ill post it just like that :D 

      I hope it make sense to all of you (readers) and Im really really sorry if reading my posts is making you migraine or getting headaches and seeing bunch of ponies running around and jumping the gate ;p just because you want to figure out "what in the world this crazy girl trying to SAY!!!!" ;p  So that is it! I guess...Thank you for reading my posts and I hope you will enjoy my stories :))) 

'CHILI CRAB'

Dear Diary,
         Hari nih saye masak Chili Crab. Ahaks!! 1st time masak ketam, selame nih tgk Mummy je masak ketam kan, so today biar aQ laa lak try. Google resipe Chili Crab, kenapa Chili Crab? Sebab everytime aQ nampak ketam, mesti 'Chili Crab' yang terlintas dalam pale otak aQ. So Chili Crab lah! ;p Dan selain daripada itu, Google lah jugak cara cara nak mencuci ketam kan. Gelak laa jugak sendiri bile aQ type kat search bar 'how to clean a mud crab' tapi kalau bukan sekarang bila lagi kan? Better now then never :D

       So pagi tadi gi pasar kat Kelana Jaya, aQ nih jenis memang (tetibe ade lak rama-rama terbang depan aQ.....) yang tak suke ke pasar! Kalau ke Carrefour supermarket cam tuh aQ biase laa kan, so still stick to 'Better now or NEVER' aQ pown gagahkan laa diri bangun pagi, gosok gigi (tak mandi, heheeh sebab pikir nanti gi pasar mesti kotor and bau meletkat) so tukar seluar jeans, pakai baju yang aQ pakai malam tadi tuk tidur, baju Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse ;p So pergilah saye dengan Daddy ke pasar (kalau Mummy still hidup, mesti terkejut Mummy tengok aQ gi pasar).

        Time kat pasar tuh kan, bukan main terkejut nye saye "Murah gile ikan! Murah gile udang, sotong, daging. ikan bawal hitam.......freshnye!!" (saya penggemar ikan bawal) dan sebagainye. Tapi tujuan utama still in mind is to find crab! So ade laa 2 gerai yang jual ketam, so amek bakul dan mule lah memilih. aQ rase baju Mickey and Minnie Mouse aQ menjadi factor, makcik kat sebelah aQ offer diri untuk tolong pilihkan ketam untuk aQ, die cakap "adik, nih amek ketam nih...berat nih, banyak isi dia..." So tanpa segan silu, dah ade orang offer nak ajar kan, aQ dengar dan terime saje lah :D at least dapat gak ilmu baru yang aQ tak dapat belajar dalam culinary class ;p

       Dah beli sume barang yang diperlukan then macam biase dalam otak aQ just recalculate laa how much we spend for all the things and its only about RM 40 for all the stuff! As a regular customer of Carrefour, kalau aQ beli sume nih kat Carrefour, mau at least RM 70 cam tuh.... aQ punye laa bangge sebab! 1. aQ gi pasar pagi and I like it dan 2. I save money ;p... kaaachiiinnggg!!! So balik rumah Mimi, then start to cook. I am not going to share the cooking process laa because you can just Google Chili Crab recipe and walaaaa! All types of recipe they will pop-out and I picked the Singaporean style which they also include a video (Chili Crab is a Singaporean national dish ar?? Wahtever laa, as long you Singaporeans are happy). 

        Bila aQ berdiri depan sink and ketam ada dalam sink, aQ tengok ketam dan ketam tengok aQ. Tercengang laa jugak ape yang patut aQ mulekan kan. So cam biase, rendamkan ketam dalam air limau, just to get rid the hanyir smell then pejam mate ingat balik macam mana orang dalam video Youtube tuh buat. So satu satu laa aQ handle, kan kena bukak die nye top shell first, so I have to tarik dia nye somehow or rather the ekor then you get or able to crack the top shell. Dan berjaya! Dalam proses tuh jugak aQ belajar, mana satu jantan dan mana satu betina. Kalau jantan dia punya 'ekor' yang ditarik keluar tuh macam bentuk V, but if betina dia punya end 'V' tuh cam panjang lebar sikit. How I know this? Not from the help of Youtube but one of the crab has TELUR KETAM!! So that is how I learned, wink!~

      Dah habis masak, masa untuk makan! aQ gune resipe yg sebijik cam dalam Google tuh and bile aQ rase kuah die "macam ayam masak merah je, ayam masak merah aQ lagi sedap" so basically I know how to improvised the recipe for the next time I cook it (and I love to improvise :D ) So sume dah duduk dekat meja and cedok menyedok nasi pon bermula, Sha Sha (my niece) she was a bit skeptical on trying the Chili Crab because she never eat crab before and it was cook in Chili (dia tak suke pedas laaa) but her Mom (Kak Su) was like trying to persuade her to try and luckily the Chili gravy that was supposed to be 'Chili' its not that spicy...haih! At first Sha Sha tak nak, and then I was like "buat penat jee Fafa masak, huuuuu.." so I was like "tak pe, kopek and bagi jugak!" So aQ kuar kan isi ketam and just put it on her plate and she goes "tak nak lah!" Then I buat dunno ;p And then her Mom was still trying to pujuk and finally she took it and place it in her mouth "haaa, macam rase udang kan?" There was still more on her plate (haih! rama rama nih, sebelah Skittles aQ jugak ko nak landing) then after her first taste......then..........she finish it all! Muaaahahahhaahahah "VICTORY!!"

       Then there was Daddy a.k.a Tok a.k.a Uncle KFC ;p kan Tok takde gigi, sian tok, so he can only ate the body part and the small small testicles but when it come to the snip-snap of the crab part, he cant bite it. But that part was the marvelous part! The essence of a CRAB!!!!!! So he offered me to take it. So I was like ok. So I use my teeth to bite and 'CRACK!' no my teeth are still attached on my gums, heeeee! But I used my eyes to jeling kat Daddy laaa, and he was like see me like really really tempted. So I ignored at first, and I ate it and I sucked it like nobody business but when I took a bite on the second snip-snap testicles I just bite just to cracked it and gave it to Daddy and say "Nah, Safa dah gigitkan, Daddy kopek je laa..." Then he was like so happy got to eat it like Nazrin dapat keropok like that ;p

      Ouh! About Nazrin a.k.a Charlie a.k.a Captain Jr. He is soooooooo CUTE!! Especially the way he laughed, I just want to bite him! Grrrrrr! Last night, we went outside for dinner and the kakkak at the restaurant sebelah like so 'head to toe' of Nazrin, they tried to approached him, but he got scared but somehow or rather one of the kakkak got to dukung him and they was like so happy, Nazrin buat muka macho! Amboi, mementang aweks aweks dukung dia kan.....kewl jhe ek! ;p

     I think thats all for today. Cheers :)))


   

HEART ATTACK

Dear Diary,
         Ya Allah, I love him so much until my heart hurts. My body is in pain and my knees are weak every time I think that he is happy with someone else. I know that I should not think of him but when I held baby Sara in my arms and watched her falling asleep, I just prayed in my heart that I wish I have a baby like her and suddenly his name popped up in my head. Even I do feel annoyed and wanted to shake his name out from my head, but while I looked at baby Sara, I just could not do it and instead I smiled. Im such a fool! Letting him played my feelings like this. And Im such a fool for letting him in for god sake! 

        I deleted him few days ago but I just added him back few hours ago. I could not risk myself on keeping him anymore but at the same time, I can risk myself of letting him go. Its kind of like a 'jongkat-jongket' thing. Ya Allah, what should I do? Getting to know new people? I did that and even there are some potentials, just waiting for me to say yes. But I could not say yes, I could not betray myself and I could not let myself be the old me by having 2 - 3 boyfriends at one time and when I get bored I just dumped them. And that was after  I got hurt by Fique, purely based on vengeance. I dont want to be that person anymore, I am not that person anymore.

I NEED AIR THAT ILL KILL TO BREATH!

Dear Diary,
         Kenapa aQ jadi macam nih?? I dont really think that I had done anything productive for this past week!! Hati tak tentu, demam tuh memangla tengah demam sekarang but at the same time I just could not think straight.  I knew this kindda thing will happen. I knew it that this stuff, stupid stuffs its not worth it all! This feeling is meaningless, HE IS MEANINGLESS!! But what the heck! I just, still go for it. In hoping it will work out this time. Stupid ME! Idiot stupid bitch ME! I dont know what to do, I dont know who to turn to. Mummy is no longer available because she is gone. Nak move on pon macam, I dont know how. Just do my stuff and ignore him, can I do that? Can I just ignored that stupid maniac person that has so much affect on me?? Every time I think about it, it just make me sick and think about that Grosse Salope even make me sicker until I want to vomit all my fats out and transfer to that CHIENNE so that she can be more gros et gras un gros et gras until the world explode!! Ergh! Im such a child.....................

       I cannot be like this. I have to stop this. Once and for all! But HOW? Ouh, God please help me....

I JUST WANT TO BE O.K....?

Dear Diary,
         What Mummy told me is coming true now. Maybe for all these years Im just being so stubborn to face the truth. And yes, the truth its right here in front of me. I could never re-concealed what happened 2 years back. I could never amend the damages that I had voluntarily done. But I cant be just friends. But I cant bare to turn him as my enemy. The thought of losing him again, well it was never an 'again' it was actually a done deal. Rephrase? The thought of losing him really scares me and make me really sick in my stomach until I had to force myself to vomit just to make the thought get away. Dont worry, Im not a bulimic if that is your concern, I am still fat as a cow, but at least not as fat and dermatology 911-mayday as she is! 

       Huh! I think I need to get through this, alone or not, its not the main thing. The main thing is, I still have many things that I must achieve and I still have my own personal hobbies and interest to keep occupied. And with that I hope Ill get him over with soon. And by the fact that Im actually an expert to hide away my real affections or feelings on someone, I think I can take that as my special features. Who needs a man anyway? I could me more successful without having to worry or taking care of another heart.

OUTBAC BROGA @BROGA, NEGERI SEMBILAN - SUMMARY

Dear Diary,
         So ini adalah sambungannya. After the tak cukup kenyang lunch, WH ushered us the next activity and it is the Leap of Faith (buat bunyi macam Where The Money Drop). Ok now here is how the game goes. There this one tall and big tree and ada macam besi dibuat tangga to climb up and there is a small like 2 feet by 2 feet platform and the height from the ground to the platform is about +- 10 meter. So just imagine the fear that was been installed in each of us to climb up! And once your up there are this one bar (just imagine monkey bar) like 1 and half feet from the edge of the platform. So what are we suppose to do, is to climb up to the platform and when you are up there STANDING, you must jump and reach and hang at the monkey bar then let go and drop down.

        So the 1st victim is Nic. Wah! So confident ar this fellow. Hehe, actually the reason for why he is going 1st because he volunteered to be the model on how to put on the safety harness. YES! There are safety harness attached on the climber and jumper body. Engkau gila tak ada safety harness and just FYI, we don't buy any insurance before coming to Outbac Broga, heeeee! So bacause Nic was the model therefore, he has to be the first who climb and jump! So there he goes, so confidently walking towards the tree "On Bayer" he said to WH and "Bayer On, Climb On" WH answered back to Nic then Nic started his climb. So he climb la, and he reached the platform and once he stepped on and looked down "Oh SHIT!!" and his face were pucat, so pale and he started not wanting to go down and ask WH to give him 5 minutes. Hehehe...we looking from down here were laughing like mad seeing Nic acting such way ;p But he did jumped after 7 minutes up there and he managed to grabbed the monkey bar and we was like "Wwwooo!" and clapped then he let go and WH slowly rolled Nic down.

       Im not really sure who went after Nic, I think its WJ but SI stole the light ;p she was so funny and cute as a button at the platform and so frightened up there until I think she going to fainted. Actually, once your up there, there will be no way going down except to jump because to climb down will be so much scarier and dangerous then jumping. SI was really scared up there until Steph have to come by and talked to SI to close her eyes and put her hand on the harness and just walked-off the platform. So she did as been told. Well most of us managed to jump and grab the bar except for me, Queenny and SI. And as for my experience, it was scary and my tummy tighten like hell and my knees like no bone, haahah but I just gulped it in and try to act cool (aku kan MACHO! ;p ) So "I dont think I can grab the bar can or not" then WH answered "At least try to grab the bar laa" So ok "1 2 3!!" then I jump and I closed my eyes and didnt see what is in front of me so I dont grab the bar and just go down. Heh! But at least I jumped right! I know I cant do it because my legs are not that strong as it used to be before the second comma I had in 2008. But I know that I must, MUST to work on it more :))

      So the third and fourth activity that we did is wall climbing and kayaking. Nothing much to tell here because nothing interesting happen. But for me personally, the part that I like when doing wall climbing is when you come down...because it was so cool to go down that way. You bounced off the wall ;p its like absailing just you dont have to hold and release the back rope. For kayaking its kayaking lah! Its like free and easy activity. Its the fourth activity that is really happening, and what it makes it more interesting, they placed the activity at the last slot and we are mostly ran out of energy and for me Im whacked! But hey, I came here to try everything and have FUN, so I just participated even though Im tired, ignored it!

     Its the water obstacle where there are 5 different obstacles and we are suppose to choose one way to go to the middle of the lake, and another way to go out. So there is one obstacle which looks like a tangga but it was being lay like a bridge and a wobbly rope to hang on to catch the balance. And one more is a rope to walk and a rope to hold. Another one is a batang pokok that is being lay down across the pond, so its look like a balancing beam la kan. Second last is few arranged tires that goes to the middle of the lake. And last but not least is 2 plastic tank (I dont actually know what it calls) and you have to balance and sit on it and pull yourself to the middle of the lake (later Ill post pictures so that you will get clearer picture). And I was so terrible in balancing (even though Im a skater) therefore, there are a lot of falling inside the lake incidents. And because of that went I want to choose the way to go out, I thought I choose to sit in the balancing beam and pushed myself, but it is much more harder then I thought, my hand have no strength at all! Adeh!~ And I think Im the reason that my team lost the game and as the punishment we had to sing while half of our body in the water. Hahahaah! So I feel like Im responsible for the loss, so I lead the sing-along with Titanium song, heeeee! Thats the only song that came out in my head :)))

      So the day end. It was awesomely FUN! I was so happy that I had this opportunity to join this trip and its so worth it! I always loved outdoor activities especially the adventurous kindda type. I am an out goer, but just because the second comma is like a real big bummer for my life and also my body. I never thought that after the second comma I would have any chance to do the thing that I love again. Even though when I had my chance, but I have no confident in myself, Im scared I'll be just a troublesome to the others later. But after my skating, I realize that everything happen for a reason, and backing up from the things that I love is not the reason I had my second comma. So after I realized that I can actually managed skating, my confidence did boost up along, I fell like "Hey! If I can ice skate, what else I cant do.." so when I over heard the conversation between Jia Rong and Stephanie (although is in Chinese) I just step into the conversation and agreed! And Im glad that I did :))) So, there will be more to come of me doing all these outdoor activities. I do really want to do paragliding, but maybe Ill try to finish all the activities that Outbac Broga has to offer first. Nic did want to come back for other activities that they offer like waterfall absailing, white water rafting and maybe again...caving :) So maybe Ill work on more to build up my body strength because there a lot more adventures that yet to be explore.......Hope Ill get to update you readers more after this. Bye! :D

OUTBAC BROGA @BROGA, NEGERI SEMBILAN - CAVING

Dear Diary,
             Yesterday (06042013) me and Suek Ih, Li Lu, Wei Jing, Quenny, Eilain, Nic, Tommy, Kah Meng, and Yee Hong (10 of us) decided to do something different. Actually I was the replacement of one of my classmate Stephanie who could not make it due to her sickness, so it is something that I love to do and I was doing it really frequently before, just after the 2nd comma in 2008, I have not gotten the chance to do it again, so bulan jatuh ke riba, I just grab it laa! ;p 

Reminder: This post will be mix in language (English + Bahasa Melayu = Manglish) but I will try to type it in a correct spelling if I write something in Malay so that anyone of you readers does not understand Malay at least you can Google Translate it ;p

            The organizer for this trip is Wei Jing, she is one of my classmate since diploma. So she started a group in FB planning an outing for us classmates and so she suggested to go for Outbac Broga and have some adventure where the Outbac Broga provide outdoor activities for their guests. So Wei Jing (WJ) purchased a group tickets from Groupon. So the trip was set on Saturday (means yesterday) and we went fron Sun-U to Queeny's place and drove to Broga.

             We were suppose to arrive at 9am, but we did arrived a bit late but no harm, the activities also started a bit late, so win-win situation laa kan ;p We were welcome by one of the facilitators and asked us to wait at the dining hall while waiting for another faci, Steph to give us a briefing before the activities started. It was an open dining hall and it was located in an area where they set-up a game called Leap of Faith. Therefore, while waiting we watched this another group of participant accompanied by 1 faci doing this Leap of Faith thing. So while watching, all 10 of us was like "Owh shit! so scarry!!" "its so high..." and I was cool and chill and smile but in my heart "Fuck! can I reach that bar....shit!" then Steph came into the picture and give us briefing.....(Ill talk about how this Leap of Faith game work later).

             So, our 1st activity is Caving! So Steph brief us about the Do's and Dont's and what to bring and etc laaaa. Dont bring any electronic things, because in the cave we are needed to dive in a water/river, and any valuable things. Wear covered shoes, if you didn't bring it or wearing a RM400 shoe and sayang nanti rosak, you can purchase a Adidas rubber shoe (Kampung shoe, she called) it's rubber and comfortable and its water proof and it only cost RM10.00. If any on us wear any spectacles please tied it and if dont have you can also buy it and you are not required to bring any back-packs and only required to bring torch-light and water bottle ONLY! So, there we go, anything we don't have we buy at the auntie shop inside and all our valuables we putted in our car (and speaking of car, there some incident happen which Im going to talk about it later ;p )

             Ready, Set, Go! From the Outbac Broga camp we need to ride a lori ayam, to get to the place where we need to hike up about 20 minutes before arrive at the cave. We were combined with some of the students from UNITAR and we were lead by 3/4 facilitators. So when we reached there, before we start hiking, the faci gave us a short briefing and I dont actually remember what he talked about and most of the time is in Chinese but luckily one of the faci translate it to English for me. Well what can I do, Im the ONLY ONE MALAY in the whole big group...hahaah! But no heart taken because Im already used to it ;p

             We start out hiking and there are some obstacles and narrow slimy road and bumpy road and high cliffs, but we survive all that even though, I did fall or stumbled and tripped few, MANY times, hehe. But luckily I was between Nic and Yee Hong (YH) so they helped me a alot :) and of cos, our faci WH :)) So done hiking and arrived at the mouth of the cave, it was a very narrow entrance to start with and a lot of bending required. At this stage, Im thankful to Allah SWT that made me not too tall and not too short ;p just right proportion to helped me through the caving expedition :) The cave was really really dark, and not only that plus its narrow and small, it also have running water in it, my guess waterfall is somewhere near because the water runs so fast and its COLD and REFRESHING! Of course laaa, mineral water maaaa. So other then getting dirty, we are also getting wet. There were so many rocks in the cave, which we have to bend, crawl and even lay down on the ground to pass though it. And not to forget, there this one part where we have to dive and swim because we were passing this one hole and while we dive and swim, we need to navigate our body to the right so that we dont get banged by the sharp rock on the left and you cant see a thing under water ;p

          Nic did mentioned that he did went through a though time in some certain places in the cave where the opening is not an opening is a rabbit-hole! It was so small and I really wonder, can my fat-Beyonce-ass get through ;p So thats why Im pretty save to have Nic In front of me and YH is behind me. Because both of them really helped me a lot and YH acted more like a big brother even I was older then him......sweet right! I did struggled in the cave, but I make sure my self not to scream, tapi melatah "opocot mak kau" tuh adalah kan :D banyak kali pulak tuh. Because once I scream, Ill get panic and everything will going to be wrong, so I managed to calmed myself the whole journey and listen to the instructions were told by WH, Nic and YH :)) (Im such a good student!) And Im still alive today! YEAY!!! I'm bulletproof bebeh ;p

       When we were almost reached the exit, the obstacles that I went through is sharp rocks. I did have scratches in my fingers but I'm scratches-free from my arms, thighs and the whole body unlike my other friends. Hehe, Suek Ih (SI) called me a "show-off" because I did prepared myself well to no-to-scratch by wearing a long pants and long sleeved shirt while trekking and caving :D and did manage to avoid the mosquitoes love-bite also, heeeeeeeee....yea I'm such a "show-off" heheehe :D So while climbing out to the exit or "the-light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel" we still need to shoveled our body through tiny holes and FRESH AIR AND CLOUDY DAY! Means, I already get out from the cave laa wei!

       So the final part is, we climbed up, so now we need to climbed down. So this particular path I did use my big-Beyonce-ass to help me go down by SLIDING! Because the caving only already flushed out all strength and power in my body and my legs are already wobbly. And then, here we are again in the lori ayam going back to the camp to have our lunch. 1 bungkus nasik with kari ayam and sayur and telur goreng for that lunch yesterday, TAK CUKUP!!! :B

p/s: Wow! there are so many perenggan just to write about the caving ONLY. SO maybe Ill stop here and continue about the other games later tonight. Ill see you later :))  

LABELS

Dear Diary,
                 Im suppose to write about Chiang Mai. But later laaa ;p I passed my last semester! Yeay! is the hardest semester ever! And I got through. I never even thought that Ill get through Strategic because the assignment 1 I pass it up after the dateline and I was actually being ready to be prepared to resit the exam ;p. but I got through..heee.... :D

                Last weekend is the most fun weekend ever! I got to know my results and Im with my love ones. Lepas Mummy meninggal, I need someone or something that can remind me of Mummy, so sedare mare aQ belah Mummy lah! Mak We and Mak Ngah. Even their face resembles Mummy and their voice, the way they talked it somehow sooth my heartache and filled the hole that I had inside my heart. Ok Im not going to talk about that actually, even though Im at the peak of happiness in these pass few days :)

                What am I going to write is, in these few months, I dont know why, I started to open up myself and starting to giving myself a chance to meet and know new people. Even though these people is not the people that knows me for all these years like my besties, DCB and AALK but hey! What is the harm if I give myself a chance and even though chances of having a heart break is high but this is LIFE :)

               But I told myself and remind myself "No labeling". Labeling to me is like 'we are an item' 'couple' 'bf gf' and that kind of crap. Its not I dont want to be in love of have someone special, (seriously, who on earth doesnt want that??) and its not Im not ready but Im kind of sick of labeling. So now, I want just to be friends, maybe close friends if he wants to know me more, be comfortable with each other, get to know each other and get to adjust ourselves in having one more extra person in our life. Then when the right time comes, and we think that we suit for each other and our families can accept us, then........it happens when the time is right.

             My reason is, if being in a 'label' to me, it somehow giving the other person an authority to over power you or to control you and to me, the only person that control me is my husband and my dad and maybe my brothers ;p So I dont want just because u are my BF u rearrange my life and my priorities. Because dude, I do have a dream, needs and wants that I want to achieve, so basically until I am not tied in a legal tie (marriage) I have my own life and I dont want my partner or BF to miss out his opportunities too.

           Therefore, if we are just being friends, then we are freely to do the things that we love to do, achieve what we want to achieve and at the same time trying to figure out if we are suitable together. Friends with Benefits? Ahaks, that is another story, not now ;p So now, its time for me to make new friends :) And whoever is my 'The One' will come when the time is right at the most unexpected unconscious situation. aQ pown ade cakap gak dengan orang orang yg aQ kenal cam arituh kat Abg G, cousin aQ or my other friends "Kalau ade nak kenalkan, kenal kan laaa" Because I want that person to know me and I want to know that person first without any expectations, just friends and be comfortable with each other accompany. 

           Like the other day, there this one guy that I went out with (I still dont figure what name to put him ;p ) but we known each other through the power of the social network (not telling which one) for sometime and I actually asked him to come down to skate and that is our first meet and it was the most funniest day in my whole life to see him skate ;p then the other day, we went for mcD and just recently he asked me to accompany him for a a movie and the day I did saw him as a bit moody and the whole day we actually didnt talked much, 98% silence only small talk "nak makan ape" "nak duduk mane" and that sort of conversations. And when I went back, he Whatsapp me and asked "Marah ke?" then "No why?" then he apologized for the awkward date because there something happen earlier that brings down his mood and that is the reason he want to just lepak with me. And I was like "Its ok, actually I did noticed ur mood and its actually fun! I dont have to figure out what to say and how to react around u, I actually enjoyed ur company even though we didnt talk :) " and he replied "Yeah me too and u nampak cute sangat when u jumping around dekat Parkson tengok baju tadi.." and the conversation went on until 1am.......................................and we are FRIENDS :) 

      So anyone wants to know me ;p hehe! Other then reading my blog, just give me a heads up! ~wink~

Dear...............

Dear Mummy,

Do you see me cry?

Every time I'm lost, blinded by a fool.

Do you feel my pain?

Every time my heart is shattering like a broken window to ashes,

and I'll be hiding under the table for peace.

Do you hear me scream?

Every time when my hope, faith and dream is one gap further away from me.

Mummy,

I never wondered my life without you.

I never like to see you weak.

I hate to see you in pain.

And I get angry to know that you are sick.

I blame myself for losing you.

I wounded myself for every pain and tears that I caused you.

Mummy,

I know Allah loves you more than I do,

and my prayers was being answered:

"If there only 1 choice for not letting my Mummy bare the pain is to let her go. Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku, dengan belas kasihan Mu please take a good care of Mummy.."

And, that morning.

Maybe He wanted me to say "Goodbye" by,

whispering the Syahadah to your ear.

Dear You...

Dear you,

Hear me close,

Hear me clear,

Tell me now,

Never fear,

Tell me that I should move on,

Tell me that I should let you go,

Tell me please,

That I should set you free...

Make me understand,

Make me realize,

For you to step away,

Is a special gift for me to myself,

I just need to hear it from you...

Tell me now,

Never fear...

HEARTBROKEN

Dear Diary,
                 Life kindda sucks since the 20 August last year. After Mummy passed, every bad things that never happen to me before like ever now happens. I never failed my exam in my whole life, when I told people that I failed my Biology in SPM well, I lied. I didnt failed my Bio, its just I hated Bio so much so by saying I flunked it shows how much I hate it, I guess. But Im not lying on saying that every freaking alphabets you could find in my SPM result, except for F or G9.
           
                It's true though when people say that 'a mother's prayer and blessing is the most valuable thing that a child would ever get' and memang betul 'Doa Ibu adalah yg paling mujarab'. I think that is why I got through my life so perfectly but now siapa lagi nak doakan aQ? Bile Mummy meninggal everything went along with her, a friend, my confidence, my shelter and my savior. A week after she passed, I failed my final paper, I had lost interest of going back to classes and for God sake, never in my entire University life I never ever EVER NOT able to finished my assignments on time! You may say Im being silly and abnoxious but in reality is, I will never get through my life without her, without her supports, without her blessing and prayers.

                When she left, I also lost someone that I can talked to. Trying to tricked myself by making amends and try to move on. But I am obviously making a fool for myself. Nothing that I can do can turn the time backwards like the old days. Making amends with AALK is not only keeping me from but its a safe place for me to be secure and make me think that nothing ever happens, a place for me to hide myself from facing the real world, from facing the real truth. But how long I can go on with this? making him my safe armor, one day he will move on and start his own new chapter of life, and what is that going to leave me? Back alone again.

               Day by day Im getting lonelier and lonelier. No one here around me that I could talk to. Yes I have my Dad and Joji staying with me and every time I went to college Ill met my friends, but who am I going to talk to when am facing troubles with my inner self? With my feelings towards.............? Who am I going to talk to when Im facing with my own insecurities, when Im feeling vulnerable? Only Mummy knows who I really love and why do I love him, only she knows what am I feeling and only she knows what can make me happy right now. The only person that I truly know that understands me and knows my pasts and my future is Allah SWT. Every after Maghrib prayers Ill spend about what 15 to 20 minutes to pray, telling Him what has happen today and asking Him whether the things that I did was it the right or wrong thing to do. Even when Im having my period I did the same thing just that I couldnt pray so I just sit beside the window and looking up to the sky and just speak my heart out being assured to myself that Allah listens to me.

             Some other day, I do asked Allah for him to grant me a person that could be with me and listen and understands me as Mummy did so that I can have someone to hold, hug and just lay my head on that person thighs and just stay there for hours without saying a word, complete silence but at least I will feel secure and safe. I do thought that I had already found that person but its going to be a one way feeling kind of thing. By miracles he will see and realize that I actually liked him more then just what we are having now. Sometimes I try to get a bit obvious but just he didnt notice it or he just ignored. Well now his getting engage or planning to get engage with someone that is not ME and now Im just crying myself to sleep in hoping by the time I wake up, everything will turn out the way it suppose to be.

INSPIRED: DEAF/ DUMB

Dear Diary, 
         What do we call when lunch is combine with dinner in one go? LUNCHDINNER? Heeee! Im just bad at giving names ;p Well its not exactly what Im going to type today, so here it goes. 

          Just now went for late lunch plus dinner with Daddy at Carrefour (know is known as AEON). I want to eat KFC, so we went to KFC (McD takde kat Carrefour ;p ). So when I was ordering and the cashier girl was taking my order there are this one lady interrupted me. Well the situation in KFC is not that busy, there were crowds but not lining up crowds. But if you know Malaysia's KFC about their service, busy or not busy, their service are still slow and sucks. So that lady that interrupted me was like some kind or somehow showing a finger motion that shows like a square and something else. So the counter girl interpreted by saying "Nak kotak dengan plastic?" then that lady show with her finger '1'. That time I was only watching with the corner of my eyes, but I dont know a hunch asked me to turn my head to the left. So, then I saw that lady was signing, signing with her hands. She was either deaf or dumb or both. I was surprise.

           I love, I love to watched 'Switched at Birth' episodes. They really inspire me to do something special. Even, because of that episodes, I actually googled for websites that can teach us simple ASL (American Sign Language) and I did picked up some of them. It was hard at first to learn the movement, but at that moment I just imagine, this will be my language if I was turn out that way just as same exactly like them. This 'hard' language is going to be my language. So yea, I like to be emotional at time but it gives me some kind of special kick when I learn this language. Well, when someone makes me angry, I can just yelled "BITCH" using sign language. Muahahahaah! :D

           Ok back to the story. At the counter, other then the counter girl that is serving me (A), there is another counter girl that is doing some housekeeping I guess behind the counter like sweeping the floor and all (B). That B girl is actually making fun of that deaf lady by imitating her signs. I thought that was obviously rude and heartless to do that. Then after A passed the box and plastic to the deaf lady, the lady signed 'Thank You' with your hand flat, four finger slightly touching your chin. Then A replies back by doing the same thing. I was touched by that. But B girl she was laughing and rudely imitating the gesture and trying to make fun out of it. I was like "Why she is acting this way? Why she is making this situation in a giddy way? Does she even own a heart?" I was totally clueless with B emotionless gesture. But I cant do nothing would I.

         Then I took my tray and went to the table where Daddy was sitting. Then I look around for the lady. She was actually with her friends, there were 3 of them, and 3 of them were using sign language. I was totally amazed how does those 3 communicate, without any voice comes out from their mouth, all is only hand movement and face movements that tells the entire story. I could not turn my head away from them, my eyes could not blink looking at them as if there were like this professional theater actors and actresses, like Charlie Chaplin acting movie or something. One of the friend which a guy catches my gaze, so I straight away looked away.

             Its not that Im trying to make fun of that group of people. No, that is not my intention at all. But for me, as a community that should be caring about other people in our community, should we feel responsible in learning their kind of language, a language without have to speak? Ok, my background is a Hospitality background. I studied Hotel management for my Diploma and  now still pursuing Degree in International Hospitality Management. You now days, how people actually eager to send their children or them themselve learning 2nd, 3rd or 4th language, like here in Malaysia, got Bahasa Melayu, Mandarin, Cantonese, Tamil, Hindi and etc. In fact in universities there are compulsory language course that you have to take like Mandarin, France, Japanese or German. But have anyone thought about SIGN LANGUAGE? Dont you think that there is a need for us to try and learn and understand this type of society? And for me, as in a hospitality person, I do feel obligated to learn sign language, and I hope I can be fluent of it. I dont care about speaking Chinese or French or German or Arab or Thai (hehe..sorry AALK!) because the world are now are turning to globalization, where people are force to speak in English, and Googled or Android did have this app where it can translate from any language to any language, its either free or pay. But sign language? 

           And who knows in the future, Ill be serving these kind of people while I am working. Or even helping them for something small. Do you know, this kind of special people, if we the as the majority of the normal people do not care to learn or understand them, they will be forever feel neglected and unacceptable. I told Daddy about these 3 people at KFC and also I told him about something that happens a long long time ago. When I was 9 or 10  or 11 years old, I was staying in Langkawi because my Dad had a job there. So after school, Ill hang out at Daddy's office, so basically I was famous in a sense the everyone in the whole LADA building knows me ;p (nak perasan!) So that time, I loved to hang out at the main receptionist at the ground floor, because how in earth I can make or meet friends that was my age in an office building? So since my younger age I was being friends with an older person. There is one day I was sitting at the receptionist and there is 2 guys approached the counter and showing gesture and movements with their hands. Me and few staff there were also as clueless as me. But I kind of know what they want when one of them are shaping the fingers like a square and another hand was like moving as if holding a pen, so I was like "Oh! dia nak pen dengan kertas" they wanted a pen and paper to write, so we was looking for one and suddenly a man, a regular man that I usually saw him come and go enter and exit the building distracted the 2 signing man and him, himself signed to the 2 men. There were a sign of relief on that 2 guys to finally to have someone that understand them.

            Then the savior men translate to us and says that they were deaf and they actually wanted a job, so is there any vacancies around here, they dont mind if they just have to be a cleaner and sweep the floor. Then I dont really remember what happens next. See people, if we as the community dont care about the special need of the other people, then who else? If the savor men did not showed up, we will have a real bad time and long time to discover what actually they want. They were as humble to work as a cleaner if they had a chance to work. And according to Daddy, he actually told me, these type of people are actually much more better, good and hardworking staffs to be compared to the normal hearing and speaking staffs. Just they were not given the opportunity as us the normal ones because THEY CANT SPEAK! And due to that they were alienated. Are we that ignorant and boastful? There were even this one time when I was working at the ice skating academy, there were 2 guys asking me about on how to purchase the tickets, and there were deaf but they wrote down in a paper written "Kami boleh baca bibir" We can read lips. That time, Switched at Birth was not aired yet, but that time that moment I scolded myself and wished I knew their language so that I serve them better. THEY EVEN TRY OR GIVE AN EFFORT TO FIT IN OUR COMMUNITY! WHY NOT WE TRY TO LEARN AND FIT TO THEM AS WELL?  

           They are not ALIENS, they are human with special gifts. So please, whoever read or reading my post this time, just give an effort or two to learn this kind of language. We are now living in the world of technologies, there is no barrier at all if we want to learn this special language. Understand them for once without having them making the extra effort to make us understand. DO NOT MAKE FUN OF THEM! THERE ARE HUMANS NOT ROBOTS. They themselves do not want to be born that way, and we are making fun of them? 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUMMY

Dear Mummy,
        Today is your birthday. If by any chance you are still here, you are 67 years old! Mummy, life was not easy since you left. I know you left for a better reason and I also know that in every struggles that we face, Allah will always give us a silver lining. And you did proved that tremendous time :) Mummy, being the one that always follow you like a tail behind your back, now its like being a lost cat without an owner (does it make sense?? Aish! Safa!) What Im trying to say is, for whole my life, you had been my best friend, my best enemy, my best counselor, my best cook, my best opponent, my best ATM ;p (obviously), my best companion, my best boyfriend ever and my best in everything. Never once in my life I could remember that I had been apart from my Mom, got laaa for 2 years, where I had to stay in Langkawi with Daddy and my Mom had to stay in Shah Alam, I go to school in Langkawi and all. But even that, I come back to Shah Alam must be once in a fortnight and give a call to Mummy like everyday after school using Daddy office phone ;p hahaahaha! How am I suppose to know that we cant use office phone to make private calls, I was like what 10 and 11 years old and Daddy was like someone back then ;p

         Mummy, I miss you like every moment. Tomorrow will be my first day of class for semester 8. I have 2 more semester to go, why did you have to go so early? Cant you just wait a little while longer? I still remember like every time before I went to class, I will always make sure that I Salam and kiss your hand and then give you a hug. Even though I know that Mummy geli orang cium cium Mummy, but I just dont care lagi dapat cium lagi best :D Even there are days when we have miss communications or misunderstanding or Im being stubborn just nak merajuk dengan Mummy, but I still Salam tangan and hug you even I was looking away. But tomorrow onwards, I no longer have you to Salam and hug every time I go for college. You know that the Pajero was like almost my age (season punya kereta) and the back door at the passenger (left side) rosak. So every time I wanted to go down, you from the front passenger seat you have to get down and open the door for me. Every time you do that I will always smile and imagining myself as a princess stepping down from the carriage, and when I did get down you will say "My Princess" or "Tuan Puteri". Mummy, who is going to do all that from now on?

          Well, your 'anak angkat lelaki kesayangan' ;p did mention that you want me to learn to berdikari, buat semua kerja sendiri, matang and bla bla bla, but I am growing up and I am getting mature everyday but its just a bit slower then anyone else because I dont want to leave you or you to leave me :( I dont like the idea of you are not able to be there for any of my biggest days. But kan Mummy, I dont seem to recall that part of message in your phone or in anything that you wrote down, because you always wrote down in a piece of paper before you sent any sms to him right. Hurm...or you having that part of conversation without having me knowing? Mummy! Well, what to do your 'anak angkat lelaki kesayangan' already told me, but not everything just that part that you wanted me to be more matured and etc. He said that he already forgotten about the message but does he? Or he also just want to keep that conversation a secret? Oh! You just wait AALK! ;p Or maybe I just let him keep it as a secret, so that he has something that he can hold to as remembrance of Mummy. :)

        Well to make it fair, Mummy did tell me a few things about AALK (AALK, seriously! Takde name lain ke?!?) She told me that she dont want me to keep on 'not being friends' attitude too long. She did told me that she likes him and he seems to be responsible and a good guy (ye ke?!?! Kalaulah die bace nih dari kurus kering terus kembang kang!!) and she did add that he is the kind of guy that I can make good friends with that I can rely on. Ok, Mummy also admit that he has a few not too good habits but then its for me to judge, whether all his badness is more then his good side or vice versa, then make your pick. If I choose to being back friends with him, then patience is the key :) Mummy cakap macam nak dijadikan menantu je cakap camtuh? Terkesima gak kejap when we were having that talk but I cant see it going to happen because he has a gf and I dont want to masuk campur lagi dalam hubungan dia because I dont want to get into a fight and misunderstanding anymore. So now, I did apologized to him, and he seems to accept it and we are now in good terms, so one of Mummy's wishes is CHECKED! :D But I do kindda miss those old days when we were so close laa kan. Menyesal menyesal jugak, but padan muka aQ laa kan, who ask me to listen to other people without getting clarification from him first? Hahah! Good old times, good and bad memories ;p its what make a person a better person :D

        Yesterday Nazrul wanted to go back to Sungkai and he asked me and Daddy whether we wanted to come along. Me, of course laa YES! And Daddy also wanted to come along. I miss Mummy so much! And I am so excited to go back to Sungkai and pay her a visit even though she is now 7 feet under. But I dont care, being there is the only place that I can feel my heart at ease someone that I used to be when Im with her, her youngest daughter, her youngest child. So we went yesterday and we stop at Mummy's resting place first, then something happen to Daddy (something that I might say hilarious but kesian laa jugak) So Nazrul and Kak Naz had to send Daddy to Mak Ngah's house first meanwhile I stayed there with Mummy <3 I did take that opportunity to pour my heart out, I cried of course but I just pour my heart out as if she was in front of me like always listening to all my problems. And also about a guy (I dont want to name who, Alfie, ko taw kan sape ;p dah shhhh) a clue, I did mention about him in my previous posts (just to make it less obvious I did change his kata name laa kan, so like today Im not going to say who ;p ) that I once like and still like just after years keeping my feelings aside because of fear of rejection and heartbroken and ego of course and only after Mummy had passed away I really realized that I cant forget him. I did tried, trust me I did try hard enough but I just couldnt. Well now, its a bit complicated and its hard to let go and its totally not the right time to admit my feelings towards him. Biarlah takdir menentukan segalanya, aceewaaahhh!!~

         Haaa! Lepas ke kubur, Mak Ngah's house we go! There we ate lunch, nasik putih, kuah kari ikan, ikan goreng AND SAMBAL PETAI! hurmp!! Marvelous! Mak Ngah and Yah Na (one of my cousins) at first we talked about Joji and Kak Z. Jeng jeng jeng! Pak Joji dah ade girlfriend! And Kak Z is so lawa! ;p (I think I did wrote a bout this on my last post right) so everyone its like, its it serious and when are we getting invitation and all that, so for the moment Joji and Kak Z was the highlight. Suddenly! Mak Ngah asked me "Safa dah ade?" ahhh! sudah! And my answer is "Nope, tkde lagi" "Takde lagi, kena carik laaa..." Hahahah and then Kak Naz cut in and everything went to Mission to Find Me a Husband or Mission to See Safa Get Married! Oh my God! I was blushing like mad and frustrated ;p AALK pon pernah cakap that its like being his responsibility pulak in making sure I got married, duh! In my heart I was like "Ko je laa jadi laki aQ, senang..tak yah dok pening!" Hahahahaha (AALK, it was only a joke ok no heartfeelings, you dah ade gf, jgn amek hati ;p ) Well to me, when the time comes it will come, cause we will never know what going to happen and I seriously believe that Allah has written his name for me and he will come along, when, how and when just pray ia akan dipercepatkan dan dan disatukan dalam keadaan baik dan aman, taknak menghancurkn atau mengecewakan hati orang lain. Because I did witness like some couple, dulu bercinte bagai nak rak, patu gaduh bagai nak rak, patu masing masing ade gf bf lain last last kad jemputan kawin name deme laa jugak. Ade pulak, dulu bukan main rivalry nye sampai kebesar, last last dah ade anak pon skang. Ade lak, kawin dengan anak jiran sebelah, haha! So I dont want to be so planned up on this matter, yes I know Im going to be 25 this 30th May and usually Malay ladies will be like so naik hantu like that if their are not married by age 25, but rilex laa babe! The time will come, steady man steady!

          Mummy did left me with an advice, "If you want to see or know are that person is ready to become a husband or wife. See hows he or her take care of his or her parents and his or her relationship between him or her with the parents and family" "If he or her can manage and take care or the parents well, Insya Allah he or her will be a good husband or wife for you and can take care of you." For my case husband laa kan, tkkn wife plak ;p Insya Allah Mummy, if I ever (EVER!) getting married to someone that you already know or you might not know Ill remember all the advice you had given me and Insya Allah, its how you took care of Daddy will be the example of me taking care of my I-Dont-Know-Who husband. Ok! Puas hati sume org? ;p So takde leee teman nih tak nak kawin, tapi teman tak nak rushing things through, jadi Insya Allah, yerp!

       So Mummy, (Safa nak kena pergi jumpe Dr Razman nih) HAPPT BIRTHDAY! And Insya Allah Mummy, all your advice and all your teaching I will try to keep and use it at its best. And you were right, the best thing that you can leave me is your Al-Quran and semua amalan yang Mummy amalkan waktu Mummy hidup, I dont need a letter or a book of what to do or how to do it, its all in the Al-Quran and yakin kepada Allah SWT. Semua pesanan Mummy kepada Safa to AALK and to my bothers and sisters and also Daddy, Insya Allah Ma, step by step. I know Safa pernah buat semua sebagai musuh Safa and baru sekarang Safa sedar yang derang penting dalam hidup Safa and last weekend Safa dengan Dida kemaskan kedai kat Bangi tuh, I wish that you were there to see how we talked and laughed how we bonded as sisters. Safa taw Safa tk dapat buat semua tuh mase Mummy hidup, Safa degil Safa ego, sekarang nih Safa buat for you. So that you will be more at ease and Insya Allah, jika Allah perkenankan we will see each other in Jannah, I cant wait to hug you and kiss you again <3 HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUMMY~

This was the last time we will ever celebrated your Birthday (14 January 2012) :) HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUMMY <3

"NO ONE IN THIS WORLD CAN HURT YOU"

Dear Diary,
         Kak Marissa is now back home and she had given birth to a seriously super adorable, healthy and cute  4.06kg baby girl :)))  Given the baby was born yesterday early morning (dalam waktu subuh macam tuh) so today is like already 1 day years old laaaaa. She is big man, to be compared to Aisyah and Nazrin, she is bigger. And given chance, I got to carry her. Ya Allah, the feelings to carry a new born baby in my arms is so wonderful and I cant actually describe how the feelings was actually. I was like "Ya Allah, indahnye kurniaan Mu" and when she open her eyes it was like MAGIC! I dont know if she can actually see me or not, but when she open her eyes and her little eye balls is like straight away looked at me I was like, speechless and smiling at the same time. It was like, I can feel how adorable she will be and all the love that she will get from her family and others :) For the very first time after so many years "Ya Allah, Kau temukanlah  aku dengan jodohku Ya Allah. I want to have a baby, I want to be a mother, I want to start a family" 

         Yea yea I know, I did mention that I didnt want to get married in any circumstances. But maybe at moments like this, I just let my guards down and yeah when that happen, my vulnerability comes out, that why the sentence come across my head. The baby actually slept in my arms, so delicately, so dreamy, so fragile. At that moment of time, the feeling of to guard her with all my might and power and at this time my DSCH daughter ego pops out. Its like, like the first time carry Aisyah "No one in this world can hurt you."   

MUKA SAME?

Dear Diary,
         Ok, it will only be fair if I said my face does change. Ye laa kalu nak ikut akal logic pown patut pon berubah sebab mungkin factor masa yg dah berubah atau boleh jugak aQ katakan yg...(camne aQ nak cakap ek?) haaa! Korang pernah tengok tak muke orang sakit cmne? Patu orang sakit dah sembuh, muke derang berubah kan? So cenggitulee aQ nak cakap pon. Sakit aQ bukannye kejap, lame 4 bulan comma (kenapa aQ hidup balik, hanye Allah yg tahu) so mungkin pada awal aQ sedar (2008) and few years after that badan aQ, diri aQ masih di dalam proses pemulihan. So skang dah nak masuk 5 tahun since aQ sedar, so adelah perubahan dari segi physical or mental. Sebab yg aQ sedar pon, dari segi kestabilan, cara jalan, tulis, cara aQ sebut satu satu perkataan tuh pon dah berubah jugak (itu yg aQ nampak dalam diri sendiri laa yeop, bukan nak perasan) Satu je tk berubah, bibir aQ nih (hehe) sumbing sket belah kanan, Mummy cakap "Haaa, adelaa balasan yg Allah nak bg kat kamu" aQ lak cakap dalam hati "Ye laaa, dulu gatal sangat nak rase cium boyfriend boyfriend aQ, padan muka aQ!" ;p

        Ok! back to the real story. Yang atas aQ type nih pembukaan cerite, so inilah yg sebenarnye aQ nak cite. If korang follow or bace post post aQ yang dulu, you most likely to know that my Mummy had recently passed away. So, setelah beberapa bulan since Mummy meninggal semua yang aQ jumpe yg kenal Mummy, family aQ basically sume sebut "Muke kamu, sebijik dengan muke arwah mak kamu" yang paling aQ terkejut dan chuak laa jugak kan bile Tok Su cakap "Safa nih, muke dia sebijik macam muke Nor (Mummy), dulu mase arwah hidup takde pon same. Sekarang dah same, gaye cakap pon same." Siap tanye confirmation dari Daddy lagi, Daddy senyum je. aQ dalam hati "Apehal laa sume duk cakap muke aQ same cam Mummy?"

      Bukan Tok Su je taw, yang mane kawan kawan Mummy Daddy dulu yg datang menziarah, yg aunty aunty tuh laa (yg uncle uncle pown ade jugak sebut) "Yg ini siape?" Daddy sebut laa "Anak yang kecik sekali" patu sambung lagi aunty tuh "Tuh laa, bile masuk tadi saya ingatkan kak Nor (ade yang sebut Datin) tapi teringat pulak yg kak Nor dah meninggal.." patu depa gelak bersahaja. Yang aQ nih pulak, mampu tersenyum je lah.

       Ntahlah, aQ sendiri tk mampu nak figure out how and why. Sebab Allah tuh Maha Kuasa, Dia yg menentukan segalanya. Kalau betul dulu muke aQ takde rupe Mummy dan sekarang nih bile Mummy dah takde Allah transformkan muke aQ ade iras muke Mummy, nak buat camne, ye idok? Terime jhe laa yeop! Tapi kalau pikir pikirkan balik, elok jugak kalau muke aQ ade iras muke Mummy, well basically a combination of both, muke Mummy, colouring Daddy. Mummy dah laa cantik Daddy lak cam uncle KFC putihnye ;p. So combine and become ME. Well I dont mind :) (cume satu je kurang lagi nih, kurus siket lagi Safa ;p ON MY WAY!)

p/s: Sorry if my post this time may sound alien to some of the readers. Sometimes, I do want to use my own national language or mother tongue you might add. Because, Im from Malaysia, and we Malaysians are multilingual. So dont be jealous :D 






For memoirs! :)