HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUMMY

Dear Mummy,
        Today is your birthday. If by any chance you are still here, you are 67 years old! Mummy, life was not easy since you left. I know you left for a better reason and I also know that in every struggles that we face, Allah will always give us a silver lining. And you did proved that tremendous time :) Mummy, being the one that always follow you like a tail behind your back, now its like being a lost cat without an owner (does it make sense?? Aish! Safa!) What Im trying to say is, for whole my life, you had been my best friend, my best enemy, my best counselor, my best cook, my best opponent, my best ATM ;p (obviously), my best companion, my best boyfriend ever and my best in everything. Never once in my life I could remember that I had been apart from my Mom, got laaa for 2 years, where I had to stay in Langkawi with Daddy and my Mom had to stay in Shah Alam, I go to school in Langkawi and all. But even that, I come back to Shah Alam must be once in a fortnight and give a call to Mummy like everyday after school using Daddy office phone ;p hahaahaha! How am I suppose to know that we cant use office phone to make private calls, I was like what 10 and 11 years old and Daddy was like someone back then ;p

         Mummy, I miss you like every moment. Tomorrow will be my first day of class for semester 8. I have 2 more semester to go, why did you have to go so early? Cant you just wait a little while longer? I still remember like every time before I went to class, I will always make sure that I Salam and kiss your hand and then give you a hug. Even though I know that Mummy geli orang cium cium Mummy, but I just dont care lagi dapat cium lagi best :D Even there are days when we have miss communications or misunderstanding or Im being stubborn just nak merajuk dengan Mummy, but I still Salam tangan and hug you even I was looking away. But tomorrow onwards, I no longer have you to Salam and hug every time I go for college. You know that the Pajero was like almost my age (season punya kereta) and the back door at the passenger (left side) rosak. So every time I wanted to go down, you from the front passenger seat you have to get down and open the door for me. Every time you do that I will always smile and imagining myself as a princess stepping down from the carriage, and when I did get down you will say "My Princess" or "Tuan Puteri". Mummy, who is going to do all that from now on?

          Well, your 'anak angkat lelaki kesayangan' ;p did mention that you want me to learn to berdikari, buat semua kerja sendiri, matang and bla bla bla, but I am growing up and I am getting mature everyday but its just a bit slower then anyone else because I dont want to leave you or you to leave me :( I dont like the idea of you are not able to be there for any of my biggest days. But kan Mummy, I dont seem to recall that part of message in your phone or in anything that you wrote down, because you always wrote down in a piece of paper before you sent any sms to him right. Hurm...or you having that part of conversation without having me knowing? Mummy! Well, what to do your 'anak angkat lelaki kesayangan' already told me, but not everything just that part that you wanted me to be more matured and etc. He said that he already forgotten about the message but does he? Or he also just want to keep that conversation a secret? Oh! You just wait AALK! ;p Or maybe I just let him keep it as a secret, so that he has something that he can hold to as remembrance of Mummy. :)

        Well to make it fair, Mummy did tell me a few things about AALK (AALK, seriously! Takde name lain ke?!?) She told me that she dont want me to keep on 'not being friends' attitude too long. She did told me that she likes him and he seems to be responsible and a good guy (ye ke?!?! Kalaulah die bace nih dari kurus kering terus kembang kang!!) and she did add that he is the kind of guy that I can make good friends with that I can rely on. Ok, Mummy also admit that he has a few not too good habits but then its for me to judge, whether all his badness is more then his good side or vice versa, then make your pick. If I choose to being back friends with him, then patience is the key :) Mummy cakap macam nak dijadikan menantu je cakap camtuh? Terkesima gak kejap when we were having that talk but I cant see it going to happen because he has a gf and I dont want to masuk campur lagi dalam hubungan dia because I dont want to get into a fight and misunderstanding anymore. So now, I did apologized to him, and he seems to accept it and we are now in good terms, so one of Mummy's wishes is CHECKED! :D But I do kindda miss those old days when we were so close laa kan. Menyesal menyesal jugak, but padan muka aQ laa kan, who ask me to listen to other people without getting clarification from him first? Hahah! Good old times, good and bad memories ;p its what make a person a better person :D

        Yesterday Nazrul wanted to go back to Sungkai and he asked me and Daddy whether we wanted to come along. Me, of course laa YES! And Daddy also wanted to come along. I miss Mummy so much! And I am so excited to go back to Sungkai and pay her a visit even though she is now 7 feet under. But I dont care, being there is the only place that I can feel my heart at ease someone that I used to be when Im with her, her youngest daughter, her youngest child. So we went yesterday and we stop at Mummy's resting place first, then something happen to Daddy (something that I might say hilarious but kesian laa jugak) So Nazrul and Kak Naz had to send Daddy to Mak Ngah's house first meanwhile I stayed there with Mummy <3 I did take that opportunity to pour my heart out, I cried of course but I just pour my heart out as if she was in front of me like always listening to all my problems. And also about a guy (I dont want to name who, Alfie, ko taw kan sape ;p dah shhhh) a clue, I did mention about him in my previous posts (just to make it less obvious I did change his kata name laa kan, so like today Im not going to say who ;p ) that I once like and still like just after years keeping my feelings aside because of fear of rejection and heartbroken and ego of course and only after Mummy had passed away I really realized that I cant forget him. I did tried, trust me I did try hard enough but I just couldnt. Well now, its a bit complicated and its hard to let go and its totally not the right time to admit my feelings towards him. Biarlah takdir menentukan segalanya, aceewaaahhh!!~

         Haaa! Lepas ke kubur, Mak Ngah's house we go! There we ate lunch, nasik putih, kuah kari ikan, ikan goreng AND SAMBAL PETAI! hurmp!! Marvelous! Mak Ngah and Yah Na (one of my cousins) at first we talked about Joji and Kak Z. Jeng jeng jeng! Pak Joji dah ade girlfriend! And Kak Z is so lawa! ;p (I think I did wrote a bout this on my last post right) so everyone its like, its it serious and when are we getting invitation and all that, so for the moment Joji and Kak Z was the highlight. Suddenly! Mak Ngah asked me "Safa dah ade?" ahhh! sudah! And my answer is "Nope, tkde lagi" "Takde lagi, kena carik laaa..." Hahahah and then Kak Naz cut in and everything went to Mission to Find Me a Husband or Mission to See Safa Get Married! Oh my God! I was blushing like mad and frustrated ;p AALK pon pernah cakap that its like being his responsibility pulak in making sure I got married, duh! In my heart I was like "Ko je laa jadi laki aQ, senang..tak yah dok pening!" Hahahahaha (AALK, it was only a joke ok no heartfeelings, you dah ade gf, jgn amek hati ;p ) Well to me, when the time comes it will come, cause we will never know what going to happen and I seriously believe that Allah has written his name for me and he will come along, when, how and when just pray ia akan dipercepatkan dan dan disatukan dalam keadaan baik dan aman, taknak menghancurkn atau mengecewakan hati orang lain. Because I did witness like some couple, dulu bercinte bagai nak rak, patu gaduh bagai nak rak, patu masing masing ade gf bf lain last last kad jemputan kawin name deme laa jugak. Ade pulak, dulu bukan main rivalry nye sampai kebesar, last last dah ade anak pon skang. Ade lak, kawin dengan anak jiran sebelah, haha! So I dont want to be so planned up on this matter, yes I know Im going to be 25 this 30th May and usually Malay ladies will be like so naik hantu like that if their are not married by age 25, but rilex laa babe! The time will come, steady man steady!

          Mummy did left me with an advice, "If you want to see or know are that person is ready to become a husband or wife. See hows he or her take care of his or her parents and his or her relationship between him or her with the parents and family" "If he or her can manage and take care or the parents well, Insya Allah he or her will be a good husband or wife for you and can take care of you." For my case husband laa kan, tkkn wife plak ;p Insya Allah Mummy, if I ever (EVER!) getting married to someone that you already know or you might not know Ill remember all the advice you had given me and Insya Allah, its how you took care of Daddy will be the example of me taking care of my I-Dont-Know-Who husband. Ok! Puas hati sume org? ;p So takde leee teman nih tak nak kawin, tapi teman tak nak rushing things through, jadi Insya Allah, yerp!

       So Mummy, (Safa nak kena pergi jumpe Dr Razman nih) HAPPT BIRTHDAY! And Insya Allah Mummy, all your advice and all your teaching I will try to keep and use it at its best. And you were right, the best thing that you can leave me is your Al-Quran and semua amalan yang Mummy amalkan waktu Mummy hidup, I dont need a letter or a book of what to do or how to do it, its all in the Al-Quran and yakin kepada Allah SWT. Semua pesanan Mummy kepada Safa to AALK and to my bothers and sisters and also Daddy, Insya Allah Ma, step by step. I know Safa pernah buat semua sebagai musuh Safa and baru sekarang Safa sedar yang derang penting dalam hidup Safa and last weekend Safa dengan Dida kemaskan kedai kat Bangi tuh, I wish that you were there to see how we talked and laughed how we bonded as sisters. Safa taw Safa tk dapat buat semua tuh mase Mummy hidup, Safa degil Safa ego, sekarang nih Safa buat for you. So that you will be more at ease and Insya Allah, jika Allah perkenankan we will see each other in Jannah, I cant wait to hug you and kiss you again <3 HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUMMY~

This was the last time we will ever celebrated your Birthday (14 January 2012) :) HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUMMY <3

"NO ONE IN THIS WORLD CAN HURT YOU"

Dear Diary,
         Kak Marissa is now back home and she had given birth to a seriously super adorable, healthy and cute  4.06kg baby girl :)))  Given the baby was born yesterday early morning (dalam waktu subuh macam tuh) so today is like already 1 day years old laaaaa. She is big man, to be compared to Aisyah and Nazrin, she is bigger. And given chance, I got to carry her. Ya Allah, the feelings to carry a new born baby in my arms is so wonderful and I cant actually describe how the feelings was actually. I was like "Ya Allah, indahnye kurniaan Mu" and when she open her eyes it was like MAGIC! I dont know if she can actually see me or not, but when she open her eyes and her little eye balls is like straight away looked at me I was like, speechless and smiling at the same time. It was like, I can feel how adorable she will be and all the love that she will get from her family and others :) For the very first time after so many years "Ya Allah, Kau temukanlah  aku dengan jodohku Ya Allah. I want to have a baby, I want to be a mother, I want to start a family" 

         Yea yea I know, I did mention that I didnt want to get married in any circumstances. But maybe at moments like this, I just let my guards down and yeah when that happen, my vulnerability comes out, that why the sentence come across my head. The baby actually slept in my arms, so delicately, so dreamy, so fragile. At that moment of time, the feeling of to guard her with all my might and power and at this time my DSCH daughter ego pops out. Its like, like the first time carry Aisyah "No one in this world can hurt you."   

MUKA SAME?

Dear Diary,
         Ok, it will only be fair if I said my face does change. Ye laa kalu nak ikut akal logic pown patut pon berubah sebab mungkin factor masa yg dah berubah atau boleh jugak aQ katakan yg...(camne aQ nak cakap ek?) haaa! Korang pernah tengok tak muke orang sakit cmne? Patu orang sakit dah sembuh, muke derang berubah kan? So cenggitulee aQ nak cakap pon. Sakit aQ bukannye kejap, lame 4 bulan comma (kenapa aQ hidup balik, hanye Allah yg tahu) so mungkin pada awal aQ sedar (2008) and few years after that badan aQ, diri aQ masih di dalam proses pemulihan. So skang dah nak masuk 5 tahun since aQ sedar, so adelah perubahan dari segi physical or mental. Sebab yg aQ sedar pon, dari segi kestabilan, cara jalan, tulis, cara aQ sebut satu satu perkataan tuh pon dah berubah jugak (itu yg aQ nampak dalam diri sendiri laa yeop, bukan nak perasan) Satu je tk berubah, bibir aQ nih (hehe) sumbing sket belah kanan, Mummy cakap "Haaa, adelaa balasan yg Allah nak bg kat kamu" aQ lak cakap dalam hati "Ye laaa, dulu gatal sangat nak rase cium boyfriend boyfriend aQ, padan muka aQ!" ;p

        Ok! back to the real story. Yang atas aQ type nih pembukaan cerite, so inilah yg sebenarnye aQ nak cite. If korang follow or bace post post aQ yang dulu, you most likely to know that my Mummy had recently passed away. So, setelah beberapa bulan since Mummy meninggal semua yang aQ jumpe yg kenal Mummy, family aQ basically sume sebut "Muke kamu, sebijik dengan muke arwah mak kamu" yang paling aQ terkejut dan chuak laa jugak kan bile Tok Su cakap "Safa nih, muke dia sebijik macam muke Nor (Mummy), dulu mase arwah hidup takde pon same. Sekarang dah same, gaye cakap pon same." Siap tanye confirmation dari Daddy lagi, Daddy senyum je. aQ dalam hati "Apehal laa sume duk cakap muke aQ same cam Mummy?"

      Bukan Tok Su je taw, yang mane kawan kawan Mummy Daddy dulu yg datang menziarah, yg aunty aunty tuh laa (yg uncle uncle pown ade jugak sebut) "Yg ini siape?" Daddy sebut laa "Anak yang kecik sekali" patu sambung lagi aunty tuh "Tuh laa, bile masuk tadi saya ingatkan kak Nor (ade yang sebut Datin) tapi teringat pulak yg kak Nor dah meninggal.." patu depa gelak bersahaja. Yang aQ nih pulak, mampu tersenyum je lah.

       Ntahlah, aQ sendiri tk mampu nak figure out how and why. Sebab Allah tuh Maha Kuasa, Dia yg menentukan segalanya. Kalau betul dulu muke aQ takde rupe Mummy dan sekarang nih bile Mummy dah takde Allah transformkan muke aQ ade iras muke Mummy, nak buat camne, ye idok? Terime jhe laa yeop! Tapi kalau pikir pikirkan balik, elok jugak kalau muke aQ ade iras muke Mummy, well basically a combination of both, muke Mummy, colouring Daddy. Mummy dah laa cantik Daddy lak cam uncle KFC putihnye ;p. So combine and become ME. Well I dont mind :) (cume satu je kurang lagi nih, kurus siket lagi Safa ;p ON MY WAY!)

p/s: Sorry if my post this time may sound alien to some of the readers. Sometimes, I do want to use my own national language or mother tongue you might add. Because, Im from Malaysia, and we Malaysians are multilingual. So dont be jealous :D 






For memoirs! :)

9 MORE DAYS

Dear Diary,
         2013, please be nice. Its 9 days to Mummy's Birthday. I miss her so much! And it will be 9 more days for my classes to start. It will be 2 more semester to go, 2 more semester. Everything will end by August this year and no failing! Study hard, be strong and stay focus. I can do it! But I dont have the urge to go back to classes anymore! I dont feel like dedicated or excited to go to college anymore. I feel demotivated and insecure. I feel hopeless! I feel stupid! I feel just giving up!

        The idea of having this degree is for Mummy and thats it! Its not for me, its not for anyone else, is for my mom. I just want her to feel happy and worth it after all the sacrifices she made for me. After all her money even her Haj money she invested in me. And shes no more here, I feel like "What is all the fuss for?" I know, I know Im not suppose to think this way, I know Im suppose to toughen myself and complete it, do the best and be the best! But she had been and always been my number 1 motivator, and she knows me well like no one did (of course, shes my Mummy, oF course she knows me like no one does) but only with her words, wisdoms and her advises I can get through it all. If not because of her, I dont think Im able to go through my Diploma.

       Maybe some of you will say, I still have my dad. No! Daddy is not like Mummy. Daddy doesnt know me, he doesnt know my liking, he cant predict my actions, he doesnt even know if Im in mood or not. But I dont want to blame him, its my fault to begin with (well I usually blame him, causes all this) but I dont want to blame him. Im to obsess and overprotected and too letting my past haunts me until in my mind and in my heart I just couldnt let him in to my life. Like Mummy said "You always pushing people away" so maybe that is the reason why he doesnt get to know me. Cause Mummy did told me that "Give your dad a chance, he regretted on what he did and its not him to admit something like that, so give him a chance, I would want to see you being kind to him." (OK! Im tearing like raindrops here!) But being me I always let my ego get over me and say "Its still his fault, if not we wouldnt be like this!" But now I feel like its my fault for being damn stuck-up and seriously damn stupid for not giving him a chance. And hey! now I did, but its a bit to late coz Mummy is not here to watch but still it doesnt hurt to give a chance right?

      So in 9 days, what should I do? Just sitting here laying around and dragging all the guilt with me? Or do something about it and move on bitch! I know the answer is move on BITCH! ;p (kids under 18, pls dont let your parents know Im using bad words, coz I might be scold) But how? I had lost my number 1 cheerleader, Double Cheese Burger has a girlfriend and they are planning on getting married already (so I had to let him go eventho I still still still STILL couldnt BELIEVE IT! muka derang takde iras langsung laa...) so who can I turn to now? Of course I need someone that I can trust, that knows me inside out, that willing to hear my cursing, my problems, be my shoulder to cry on and can motivates me to be the person that Im suppose to be. Seriously Safa! I just list out my husband material! Haha! Not getting married, so scotch! (but I want to have babies, so how?) And aahhaa! A person that able understand my clueless and complicated-ness moments and insecurities. There! So anyone interested and think you have all the qualities CHECK! You surely can contact me by leaving a comment down there :) Because I NEED THIS PERSON BADLY! I want to complete my degree, I want to be a cook, I want to open my own restaurant, I want to get my Master and PHD (this time, its for ME!), I want to have my own event business so that I can grow Mummy's business, I want to help the people who in need and I want to be a mother (not a wife! ;p ) 

     I just need someone who will have my back and support me even I wanted to go skydiving from the moon to earth and do ice skating at the atlantic ocean. Oh well, Allah will make it happen in His own ways.

                                My Diploma Graduation Day

DREAM (again?!?!)

Dear Diary,
         It was so so so so so vivid, as if I was wearing a 3D spectacles. I know a dream cannot be 100% trusted and a dream is mainan syaitan. But to me, it depends in how you actually spend the night. If you come back really tired or even you enjoying yourself like there is no tomorrow and you come home, solat tk sempat, mandi tak sempat, baca bismillah pon tak sempat and gedeebaaboomm! Strait away on the bed then yes, whatever dream you had that night is syaitan bawak ko naik roller coaster bebeh! But if before you sleep and you solat, mengaji, baca yassin and pray to Allah for forgiveness, protection and clues about anything then maybe the dream that you had has a meaning towards it. I am not going to revealed which of the 2 choices that I made last night, so ko pikirla sendiri yeop!

        This is the second time I had a dream consist of 2 same person, my Mom and a friend. The first time was, early last year if Im not mistaken or it was 2011 (erk!) but lepas aQ sedar dari mimpi tuh, I straight away sms Mummy and told her about the dream, I couldnt resist my tears from falling that time and I told her that I want the dream to come true. She was so happy for the first time I actually admitted but she told me, take it slow and there are other things that she told me, not that I dont want to share but not for the time being. And this morning it was the same thing, I cried just the difference is, I had no one to turn too and this time I was scared, really scared, really really really scared and scared. I did said "Ya Allah, Safa nak Mummy, and where is Mummy?" Until I snapped myself out and Isthigfar. I couldnt stop crying cause is not only I want the dream to come true (heart), but at the same time I dont want the dream to come true (logically). And it is also because I miss Mummy so much. Its been months Mummy didnt come and visit through my dream and last night she decided to pop out, Ya Allah, I miss her so much, I want to hug her and kiss her and tell her everything but it was not included in the dream storyboard....oh well, at least I could see her face :)

       Oh yea, before I go on I want to clarify the blog entitle "Dream" has nothing to do with this dream. Ok continue!

       The dream that I had last night was pretty similar to the first dream I had and it does convey the same message. It is so frustrating when you know you want it, but you also know you cant. Why I cant? Because this time I cant just destroy a relationship just because for the importance of my own (Im an angel right? With purple wings!) Plus he already admitted that he has someone special, so that was another reason why I didnt want the dream to come true, feelings can change, I can renovate my feelings and my resolutions for this year is to make amends and has a normal mutual feelings to everyone not trying to dig the old feelings that I once had and anyway its to late also. Even if the dream was the answer to my prayers, but logically I couldnt visualize it happening. For a friend that I know dearly, I know he is a bit (a lot!) timid but I know he is the kind of person that determine what he wants and he wont admit if that is not what he wants. So he admitted that he has a GF and as a person that want to make amends I need to respect that and to do so, the dream just cant not happen. Ok, maybe it was my fault, its been 2 years since the silent treatment and its this few days when I apologized and talk to him, maybe I was getting excited and ok laa yes I do miss him and all, because he is a good friend and I believe he still consider me as his friend, well trying not to be over confident that he will think of me as his best friend back, after Im being a bad bad bitch towards him, but at least a friend. And to me, he is still my best buddy until the world concave ;p

       Another disclaimer, the dream doesnt involved getting married or rombongan meminang ke ape. aQ dah biase sangat dengan cerita Melayu kan! But nope! Tok kadi, kenduri kawin, silat menyilat is not in the dream storyboard OK it was just plainly and simply Mummy and him! (so stop imagining that I will get married, cause Im not ;p )

      So oklah! Well I know, I know that you all want to know what happen in the dream right? But I think, let me keep it to myself for now. And by the way I already give my promise to Mummy that I will and stay and be a good friend to him. There are some other things that Mummy told me about him before she passed away, but be patience ladies and gentlemen, Kesabaran itu adalah separuh daripada Iman ;p 

2012/2013

Dear Diary,
         HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!! Its 2013 now and we are still ALIVE! Yeah, the Maya's prediction tak menjadi lak kan...kuang kuang kuang!! Wokeyh, everytime when new year arrive, everyone is talking about new resolutions right? But I dont want to talk about resolutions, I will but maybe after what I want talk first. 

         Well as I know, 2012 doesnt really ended well for me. Mummy passed away and DCB was taken away from me (damn! u minah! ;p ) and I did a few not supposed to do things and whenever u make bad decisions well u will suffer the consequences laa kan. But on the other hand (I dunno right or left) I realized my mistakes, I can say I regretted but if I didnt do it I wouldnt learn aite and  try to amend it. Like for now, I realized I already lost 2 person that matters to me the most, so I dont want to lose anyone or anything anymore, I decided to hushed away my ego and break down the great wall of china even it will make myself vulnerable but never mind and just stop pushing people away for once. I had been pushing away people that actually care about me ever since, even I pushed away Mummy sometimes just because I was scared to admit my feelings.

         Therefore, 2013 Im going to restart from ground zero, keep a mutual feelings and relationships towards all doesnt matter who they are or whom they will be and of course try to rekindle and make amends with the people that I had pushed away before. And 2013, will be a whole new beginning for me so take one step at a time :) Forgive the people that had made mistakes to me and ask for forgiveness to the people that I had hurt before. Whatever happens next, after that is all faith and destiny. So, lets transform to Felix The Fix It! ;p

        On 2012, the most top winning chart of question that usually been asked to mua was "BILA NAK KAWIN??" So my top winning answer was "SAYA TAKMO KAWIN..BOLEH TAK?" hahahahaha! Dey! How do I know when and who Ill be getting married? Isnt that rahsia Allah SWT? For all I know, I might be ending up with the guy that I had been stalking ever since last year ;p (who doesnt want to get married with the crush that we have?) or maybe the person that I been saying "just friends" would be "we're married". And who knows Ill be getting married tomorrow?? Jeng jeng jeng! For now, I dont want to be to much optimistic about this matter, I dont want to plan ahead to detail until I already set my deadline lets say "by 2014 Ill be married to si polan polan,  and my hantaran will be a 3 plank of full gold" haha! Because, if I do that, what going to happen if at the eve of 2014 Ill be breaking up with si polan polan because he had found himself a person could understand him more then I do or suddenly postponed my wedding date to 2020. Tak ke naya cam tuh? Then Ill be the one who end up tearing down a stream. (So not going down to that path again)

          So, it will be much more easier and safer for me in 2013, Ill be completing my degree and pursuing my   passion in cooking. No matter which road to go to or how long to get there, that Ill figure it out later. Its all by dengan izin Allah SWT, Dia yang Maha Mengetahui not me nor you. So, Ill not going to be surprise if the people that is saying now that they will do something by this time or this moment will change their plans within seconds and all the feeling that that they had is all gone down to the river.

         Ok! Resolutions? Hurm, like I said, I want to make amends, amends to the people that I know I need them to go through my life and amends to my self. Secondly, stop pushing away people around me! That was what Mummy told me cause I might end up alone. Thirdly, living up my dreams, there are so much things I want to do, and 2013 is the best year to start it all :)

      Maybe, Ill continue later, cz I already sleepy now, ideas also stuck...so goodnight! 2012 goodbye, 2013 be nice! Happy Schooling EVERYONE!!!