2013, please be nice. Its 9 days to Mummy's Birthday. I miss her so much! And it will be 9 more days for my classes to start. It will be 2 more semester to go, 2 more semester. Everything will end by August this year and no failing! Study hard, be strong and stay focus. I can do it! But I dont have the urge to go back to classes anymore! I dont feel like dedicated or excited to go to college anymore. I feel demotivated and insecure. I feel hopeless! I feel stupid! I feel just giving up!
The idea of having this degree is for Mummy and thats it! Its not for me, its not for anyone else, is for my mom. I just want her to feel happy and worth it after all the sacrifices she made for me. After all her money even her Haj money she invested in me. And shes no more here, I feel like "What is all the fuss for?" I know, I know Im not suppose to think this way, I know Im suppose to toughen myself and complete it, do the best and be the best! But she had been and always been my number 1 motivator, and she knows me well like no one did (of course, shes my Mummy, oF course she knows me like no one does) but only with her words, wisdoms and her advises I can get through it all. If not because of her, I dont think Im able to go through my Diploma.
Maybe some of you will say, I still have my dad. No! Daddy is not like Mummy. Daddy doesnt know me, he doesnt know my liking, he cant predict my actions, he doesnt even know if Im in mood or not. But I dont want to blame him, its my fault to begin with (well I usually blame him, causes all this) but I dont want to blame him. Im to obsess and overprotected and too letting my past haunts me until in my mind and in my heart I just couldnt let him in to my life. Like Mummy said "You always pushing people away" so maybe that is the reason why he doesnt get to know me. Cause Mummy did told me that "Give your dad a chance, he regretted on what he did and its not him to admit something like that, so give him a chance, I would want to see you being kind to him." (OK! Im tearing like raindrops here!) But being me I always let my ego get over me and say "Its still his fault, if not we wouldnt be like this!" But now I feel like its my fault for being damn stuck-up and seriously damn stupid for not giving him a chance. And hey! now I did, but its a bit to late coz Mummy is not here to watch but still it doesnt hurt to give a chance right?
So in 9 days, what should I do? Just sitting here laying around and dragging all the guilt with me? Or do something about it and move on bitch! I know the answer is move on BITCH! ;p (kids under 18, pls dont let your parents know Im using bad words, coz I might be scold) But how? I had lost my number 1 cheerleader, Double Cheese Burger has a girlfriend and they are planning on getting married already (so I had to let him go eventho I still still still STILL couldnt BELIEVE IT! muka derang takde iras langsung laa...) so who can I turn to now? Of course I need someone that I can trust, that knows me inside out, that willing to hear my cursing, my problems, be my shoulder to cry on and can motivates me to be the person that Im suppose to be. Seriously Safa! I just list out my husband material! Haha! Not getting married, so scotch! (but I want to have babies, so how?) And aahhaa! A person that able understand my clueless and complicated-ness moments and insecurities. There! So anyone interested and think you have all the qualities CHECK! You surely can contact me by leaving a comment down there :) Because I NEED THIS PERSON BADLY! I want to complete my degree, I want to be a cook, I want to open my own restaurant, I want to get my Master and PHD (this time, its for ME!), I want to have my own event business so that I can grow Mummy's business, I want to help the people who in need and I want to be a mother (not a wife! ;p )
I just need someone who will have my back and support me even I wanted to go skydiving from the moon to earth and do ice skating at the atlantic ocean. Oh well, Allah will make it happen in His own ways.
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