Dear Diary,
Ok, it will only be fair if I said my face does change. Ye laa kalu nak ikut akal logic pown patut pon berubah sebab mungkin factor masa yg dah berubah atau boleh jugak aQ katakan yg...(camne aQ nak cakap ek?) haaa! Korang pernah tengok tak muke orang sakit cmne? Patu orang sakit dah sembuh, muke derang berubah kan? So cenggitulee aQ nak cakap pon. Sakit aQ bukannye kejap, lame 4 bulan comma (kenapa aQ hidup balik, hanye Allah yg tahu) so mungkin pada awal aQ sedar (2008) and few years after that badan aQ, diri aQ masih di dalam proses pemulihan. So skang dah nak masuk 5 tahun since aQ sedar, so adelah perubahan dari segi physical or mental. Sebab yg aQ sedar pon, dari segi kestabilan, cara jalan, tulis, cara aQ sebut satu satu perkataan tuh pon dah berubah jugak (itu yg aQ nampak dalam diri sendiri laa yeop, bukan nak perasan) Satu je tk berubah, bibir aQ nih (hehe) sumbing sket belah kanan, Mummy cakap "Haaa, adelaa balasan yg Allah nak bg kat kamu" aQ lak cakap dalam hati "Ye laaa, dulu gatal sangat nak rase cium boyfriend boyfriend aQ, padan muka aQ!" ;p
Ok! back to the real story. Yang atas aQ type nih pembukaan cerite, so inilah yg sebenarnye aQ nak cite. If korang follow or bace post post aQ yang dulu, you most likely to know that my Mummy had recently passed away. So, setelah beberapa bulan since Mummy meninggal semua yang aQ jumpe yg kenal Mummy, family aQ basically sume sebut "Muke kamu, sebijik dengan muke arwah mak kamu" yang paling aQ terkejut dan chuak laa jugak kan bile Tok Su cakap "Safa nih, muke dia sebijik macam muke Nor (Mummy), dulu mase arwah hidup takde pon same. Sekarang dah same, gaye cakap pon same." Siap tanye confirmation dari Daddy lagi, Daddy senyum je. aQ dalam hati "Apehal laa sume duk cakap muke aQ same cam Mummy?"
Bukan Tok Su je taw, yang mane kawan kawan Mummy Daddy dulu yg datang menziarah, yg aunty aunty tuh laa (yg uncle uncle pown ade jugak sebut) "Yg ini siape?" Daddy sebut laa "Anak yang kecik sekali" patu sambung lagi aunty tuh "Tuh laa, bile masuk tadi saya ingatkan kak Nor (ade yang sebut Datin) tapi teringat pulak yg kak Nor dah meninggal.." patu depa gelak bersahaja. Yang aQ nih pulak, mampu tersenyum je lah.
Ntahlah, aQ sendiri tk mampu nak figure out how and why. Sebab Allah tuh Maha Kuasa, Dia yg menentukan segalanya. Kalau betul dulu muke aQ takde rupe Mummy dan sekarang nih bile Mummy dah takde Allah transformkan muke aQ ade iras muke Mummy, nak buat camne, ye idok? Terime jhe laa yeop! Tapi kalau pikir pikirkan balik, elok jugak kalau muke aQ ade iras muke Mummy, well basically a combination of both, muke Mummy, colouring Daddy. Mummy dah laa cantik Daddy lak cam uncle KFC putihnye ;p. So combine and become ME. Well I dont mind :) (cume satu je kurang lagi nih, kurus siket lagi Safa ;p ON MY WAY!)
p/s: Sorry if my post this time may sound alien to some of the readers. Sometimes, I do want to use my own national language or mother tongue you might add. Because, Im from Malaysia, and we Malaysians are multilingual. So dont be jealous :D
For memoirs! :)
Dear Diary,
2013, please be nice. Its 9 days to Mummy's Birthday. I miss her so much! And it will be 9 more days for my classes to start. It will be 2 more semester to go, 2 more semester. Everything will end by August this year and no failing! Study hard, be strong and stay focus. I can do it! But I dont have the urge to go back to classes anymore! I dont feel like dedicated or excited to go to college anymore. I feel demotivated and insecure. I feel hopeless! I feel stupid! I feel just giving up!
The idea of having this degree is for Mummy and thats it! Its not for me, its not for anyone else, is for my mom. I just want her to feel happy and worth it after all the sacrifices she made for me. After all her money even her Haj money she invested in me. And shes no more here, I feel like "What is all the fuss for?" I know, I know Im not suppose to think this way, I know Im suppose to toughen myself and complete it, do the best and be the best! But she had been and always been my number 1 motivator, and she knows me well like no one did (of course, shes my Mummy, oF course she knows me like no one does) but only with her words, wisdoms and her advises I can get through it all. If not because of her, I dont think Im able to go through my Diploma.
Maybe some of you will say, I still have my dad. No! Daddy is not like Mummy. Daddy doesnt know me, he doesnt know my liking, he cant predict my actions, he doesnt even know if Im in mood or not. But I dont want to blame him, its my fault to begin with (well I usually blame him, causes all this) but I dont want to blame him. Im to obsess and overprotected and too letting my past haunts me until in my mind and in my heart I just couldnt let him in to my life. Like Mummy said "You always pushing people away" so maybe that is the reason why he doesnt get to know me. Cause Mummy did told me that "Give your dad a chance, he regretted on what he did and its not him to admit something like that, so give him a chance, I would want to see you being kind to him." (OK! Im tearing like raindrops here!) But being me I always let my ego get over me and say "Its still his fault, if not we wouldnt be like this!" But now I feel like its my fault for being damn stuck-up and seriously damn stupid for not giving him a chance. And hey! now I did, but its a bit to late coz Mummy is not here to watch but still it doesnt hurt to give a chance right?
So in 9 days, what should I do? Just sitting here laying around and dragging all the guilt with me? Or do something about it and move on bitch! I know the answer is move on BITCH! ;p (kids under 18, pls dont let your parents know Im using bad words, coz I might be scold) But how? I had lost my number 1 cheerleader, Double Cheese Burger has a girlfriend and they are planning on getting married already (so I had to let him go eventho I still still still STILL couldnt BELIEVE IT! muka derang takde iras langsung laa...) so who can I turn to now? Of course I need someone that I can trust, that knows me inside out, that willing to hear my cursing, my problems, be my shoulder to cry on and can motivates me to be the person that Im suppose to be. Seriously Safa! I just list out my husband material! Haha! Not getting married, so scotch! (but I want to have babies, so how?) And aahhaa! A person that able understand my clueless and complicated-ness moments and insecurities. There! So anyone interested and think you have all the qualities CHECK! You surely can contact me by leaving a comment down there :) Because I NEED THIS PERSON BADLY! I want to complete my degree, I want to be a cook, I want to open my own restaurant, I want to get my Master and PHD (this time, its for ME!), I want to have my own event business so that I can grow Mummy's business, I want to help the people who in need and I want to be a mother (not a wife! ;p )
I just need someone who will have my back and support me even I wanted to go skydiving from the moon to earth and do ice skating at the atlantic ocean. Oh well, Allah will make it happen in His own ways.
My Diploma Graduation Day
Dear Diary,
It was so so so so so vivid, as if I was wearing a 3D spectacles. I know a dream cannot be 100% trusted and a dream is mainan syaitan. But to me, it depends in how you actually spend the night. If you come back really tired or even you enjoying yourself like there is no tomorrow and you come home, solat tk sempat, mandi tak sempat, baca bismillah pon tak sempat and gedeebaaboomm! Strait away on the bed then yes, whatever dream you had that night is syaitan bawak ko naik roller coaster bebeh! But if before you sleep and you solat, mengaji, baca yassin and pray to Allah for forgiveness, protection and clues about anything then maybe the dream that you had has a meaning towards it. I am not going to revealed which of the 2 choices that I made last night, so ko pikirla sendiri yeop!
This is the second time I had a dream consist of 2 same person, my Mom and a friend. The first time was, early last year if Im not mistaken or it was 2011 (erk!) but lepas aQ sedar dari mimpi tuh, I straight away sms Mummy and told her about the dream, I couldnt resist my tears from falling that time and I told her that I want the dream to come true. She was so happy for the first time I actually admitted but she told me, take it slow and there are other things that she told me, not that I dont want to share but not for the time being. And this morning it was the same thing, I cried just the difference is, I had no one to turn too and this time I was scared, really scared, really really really scared and scared. I did said "Ya Allah, Safa nak Mummy, and where is Mummy?" Until I snapped myself out and Isthigfar. I couldnt stop crying cause is not only I want the dream to come true (heart), but at the same time I dont want the dream to come true (logically). And it is also because I miss Mummy so much. Its been months Mummy didnt come and visit through my dream and last night she decided to pop out, Ya Allah, I miss her so much, I want to hug her and kiss her and tell her everything but it was not included in the dream storyboard....oh well, at least I could see her face :)
Oh yea, before I go on I want to clarify the blog entitle "Dream" has nothing to do with this dream. Ok continue!
The dream that I had last night was pretty similar to the first dream I had and it does convey the same message. It is so frustrating when you know you want it, but you also know you cant. Why I cant? Because this time I cant just destroy a relationship just because for the importance of my own (Im an angel right? With purple wings!) Plus he already admitted that he has someone special, so that was another reason why I didnt want the dream to come true, feelings can change, I can renovate my feelings and my resolutions for this year is to make amends and has a normal mutual feelings to everyone not trying to dig the old feelings that I once had and anyway its to late also. Even if the dream was the answer to my prayers, but logically I couldnt visualize it happening. For a friend that I know dearly, I know he is a bit (a lot!) timid but I know he is the kind of person that determine what he wants and he wont admit if that is not what he wants. So he admitted that he has a GF and as a person that want to make amends I need to respect that and to do so, the dream just cant not happen. Ok, maybe it was my fault, its been 2 years since the silent treatment and its this few days when I apologized and talk to him, maybe I was getting excited and ok laa yes I do miss him and all, because he is a good friend and I believe he still consider me as his friend, well trying not to be over confident that he will think of me as his best friend back, after Im being a bad bad bitch towards him, but at least a friend. And to me, he is still my best buddy until the world concave ;p
Another disclaimer, the dream doesnt involved getting married or rombongan meminang ke ape. aQ dah biase sangat dengan cerita Melayu kan! But nope! Tok kadi, kenduri kawin, silat menyilat is not in the dream storyboard OK it was just plainly and simply Mummy and him! (so stop imagining that I will get married, cause Im not ;p )
So oklah! Well I know, I know that you all want to know what happen in the dream right? But I think, let me keep it to myself for now. And by the way I already give my promise to Mummy that I will and stay and be a good friend to him. There are some other things that Mummy told me about him before she passed away, but be patience ladies and gentlemen, Kesabaran itu adalah separuh daripada Iman ;p
Dear Diary,
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!! Its 2013 now and we are still ALIVE! Yeah, the Maya's prediction tak menjadi lak kan...kuang kuang kuang!! Wokeyh, everytime when new year arrive, everyone is talking about new resolutions right? But I dont want to talk about resolutions, I will but maybe after what I want talk first.
Well as I know, 2012 doesnt really ended well for me. Mummy passed away and DCB was taken away from me (damn! u minah! ;p ) and I did a few not supposed to do things and whenever u make bad decisions well u will suffer the consequences laa kan. But on the other hand (I dunno right or left) I realized my mistakes, I can say I regretted but if I didnt do it I wouldnt learn aite and try to amend it. Like for now, I realized I already lost 2 person that matters to me the most, so I dont want to lose anyone or anything anymore, I decided to hushed away my ego and break down the great wall of china even it will make myself vulnerable but never mind and just stop pushing people away for once. I had been pushing away people that actually care about me ever since, even I pushed away Mummy sometimes just because I was scared to admit my feelings.
Therefore, 2013 Im going to restart from ground zero, keep a mutual feelings and relationships towards all doesnt matter who they are or whom they will be and of course try to rekindle and make amends with the people that I had pushed away before. And 2013, will be a whole new beginning for me so take one step at a time :) Forgive the people that had made mistakes to me and ask for forgiveness to the people that I had hurt before. Whatever happens next, after that is all faith and destiny. So, lets transform to Felix The Fix It! ;p
On 2012, the most top winning chart of question that usually been asked to mua was "BILA NAK KAWIN??" So my top winning answer was "SAYA TAKMO KAWIN..BOLEH TAK?" hahahahaha! Dey! How do I know when and who Ill be getting married? Isnt that rahsia Allah SWT? For all I know, I might be ending up with the guy that I had been stalking ever since last year ;p (who doesnt want to get married with the crush that we have?) or maybe the person that I been saying "just friends" would be "we're married". And who knows Ill be getting married tomorrow?? Jeng jeng jeng! For now, I dont want to be to much optimistic about this matter, I dont want to plan ahead to detail until I already set my deadline lets say "by 2014 Ill be married to si polan polan, and my hantaran will be a 3 plank of full gold" haha! Because, if I do that, what going to happen if at the eve of 2014 Ill be breaking up with si polan polan because he had found himself a person could understand him more then I do or suddenly postponed my wedding date to 2020. Tak ke naya cam tuh? Then Ill be the one who end up tearing down a stream. (So not going down to that path again)
So, it will be much more easier and safer for me in 2013, Ill be completing my degree and pursuing my passion in cooking. No matter which road to go to or how long to get there, that Ill figure it out later. Its all by dengan izin Allah SWT, Dia yang Maha Mengetahui not me nor you. So, Ill not going to be surprise if the people that is saying now that they will do something by this time or this moment will change their plans within seconds and all the feeling that that they had is all gone down to the river.
Ok! Resolutions? Hurm, like I said, I want to make amends, amends to the people that I know I need them to go through my life and amends to my self. Secondly, stop pushing away people around me! That was what Mummy told me cause I might end up alone. Thirdly, living up my dreams, there are so much things I want to do, and 2013 is the best year to start it all :)
Maybe, Ill continue later, cz I already sleepy now, ideas also stuck...so goodnight! 2012 goodbye, 2013 be nice! Happy Schooling EVERYONE!!!
Dear Diary,
funny thing happen today. So early this morning I decided to go skating for practice. I just fail when any elements got to do with crossing ;p haha! But yea, went skating this morning. Saje nak nyebok, Tom Yam is really damn good for digestion but u kena letak serai halia sume laaa...semalam masak, hari nih sume keluar ;p
OK! back to the story. I met a friend, dah lama gilak tak jumpe and also he skate, so I was like kind of excited laa jumpe dia kan and to make things more clear, my friend was a HE. So tegur laa kan of course! Then borak tanya kabar and bla bla bla, he brought a friend which is a girl. But dia tkde laa introduce kawan pompan dia kat aQ. But she maybe her first time skate, so my friend (ok, name him Z) guide her laa in the rink. a while after that, they went out but Z came back in and skate so we skate together and at the same time we chatted laa kan, tkkn nak nari hindustan kat dalam rink tuh...hahaa!
Make long story short, the girl (name her A) get a bit confius I assume and ask me a question. I was outside resting on the bench at this time and Z was still inside skating. Me and A talked at first, normal talk talk laa then she popped up the question:
A: U dgn Z kawan dari bile?
Me: Dari mule skate dulu, last year kot..
A: U mmg skate ekh?
Me: Ha'ah, dulu saje saje je but skang bleh jd student lak..
A: OOoooOoo....
A: U dgn Z ade pape ke, sbb dia tk pernah pon sebut pasal U..?
Me: (terkejut!) Ade ape yg cmne? Z ngn I kawan skate je..tk lepak pon lepas skate...
A: ouh....
When I tried to look at her face, her face was a bit red and serious...
Me: U..sorry ek, kalau U risau I ngn Z, we both dont go more then just friends and by the way, I dont even like or into guys. (straight poker face! And with confidence!)
A: What?
Me: (I just nodded spontaneously)
Patu ape lagi....cabut masuk ice rink laa kan! muaahahaahah! then at 12.30 noon I decided to went home laa, dari kul 7am kot ade kat rink..tercaboot kaki bai! Sekali whatsapp masuk
Z: Weh! A ade cite...betul ke?
Me: Betul mende?? (wat wat tktaw)
Z: Ko gay?
Me: Gay ke guy?
Z: That U dont like guys.....
Me: U think???
Z: Ur haircut got style already..... ;p
Me: Ham-sap lu! hahaahahaaha....
The other conversations, I no need to put here ok...panjang........................ ;p
Moral of the story is, even tho Im gay or les or even straight is not the point. The important point is Ill do anything for a friend. Friends that is around me are very important to me, and Ill do anything to protect them especially my close friends and sometimes I do get misunderstood but as long as my friends knows who I am, Im ok with it. So before he got scolding free free from his gf-wanna-be-and-spoiled, better save him and ME! ;p
Dear Diary,
I learned something new today. Well, Im supposed or wanted to make cupcakes for Duween's 9th Birthday this Wednesday. And I picked up the book that Robin bought for me the other day and screen through the whole book and I actually rewind the scan and stopped at Cupcake Wedding Cake. The reason why I choose this recipe is not because is a 'Wedding' cupcake, but its because "Only this recipe that has the metrics for the butter and not using tbsp or lb or whatever!"
Before I actually started doing this, I did remembered that someone once told me that to fold the flour and this recipe actually asked u to fold the flour not to whisk it or whip it. But then I remembered, the last time I did cupcakes I just whisk it through all the ingredients into the machine and still produced nice delicious cuppies! So I decided to do some digging and what I found is, folding doesnt incorporate air to the flour but whisking will. OK! I have no idea what it does to the actual cake. So being the genius I would call 'me' I would want to be Albert Einstein for tonight and actually experiment it! So I divide the recipe to 2 portion and A is fold and B is whisk.
So whisk then fold, another one whisk then whisk. Bake. Wallaaa! Let it cool 1st. Wash all the used plates, spoons, whisk, tupperwares and whatever lah that has been used for this genius experiment. Then only tasting time! :D Before that, I actually realized that, the fold method actually rise more then the whisk method. Whisk method did rise, but a little, so if I want to used the whisk method I would want to fill my cuppies a bit more then half of the cuppies case. Ok the tasting part! nom nom nom! The fold method actually produce more dense cake then the whisk. It means, when u bite to Exhibit A you will feel the crumbling of the cake from the top of the cake to the middle to the bottom and you will chew a little bit more laa (unless you are a person that bite and swallow). Exhibit B, the whisk method has produced a cake that is lighter, a bit crunchy at the outer layer (up and bottom) then after that is like bristles runs to your teeth then straight down. And I personally prefer the Exhibit B to be 'My Kind of Cupcake'. <3
But the only thing that need to be concerned when doing this method. I really need to control the whisking, not to over whisked unless I want my batter to be spoil :( So if anyone who read this part of diary of mine. The Exhibit B method need to be practice and by the way, Practice Makes Perfect :D
So tomorrow Ill be decorating the cakes, since its already 4am! Ill continue piping and drawing tomorrow. And if Im being an angel, Ill post some pictures tomorrow or the day after and after and after and after ;p A bit whoopie already, so better get going. Goodnight!
Dear Diary,
I dont know how it is suppose to felt when someone tht u spend the life with for more then 40 years suddenly gone. Well I do feel sorry whenever I see him lying down the bed alone. Like earlier today, I wanted to go down and cooked dinner but make a detour to the toilet (I always use the master bedroom's toilet) then I saw him lying down taking his evening short-nap with Mummy's pillow lay by his side at Mummy's side of the bed being patted by him. We will always have our own pillows and pillow cases and boosters. Mummy says it always has our smell on it even though its freshly washed, so it will never mixed around or we will never used someones else pillow. So, we get used to it and plus our pillow is customized, its not like ordinary pillows in the super market. Our pillow is extra long and extra wide, I remembered one of my cousins mentioned "Bantal Anjang, boleh muat 2 orang tido.." :)
Even though I only glanced for few seconds then looked away. But deep in my heart, I know tht he misses Mummy a lot. Well, maybe I wouldn't know how does it feels like, cz Im not married yet. But I reckon that losing a mother is not as same as losing a wife. Bukan nak samekanlaa, aQ nih pown tak sampai 10 tahun kenal DCB pown skang bukan main susah nak lupekan dia, apentah lagi yg dah hidup bersama sama 40 tahun, siap ade 6 org anak dgn cucu lagi. Furthermore, most of the closes people to our family did said that Mummy was really had his back all this while, especially when he faced the rough phase of his life and carrier. But with Mummy's help, prayers and support they got through it all.
Well, Mummy will always got everyone's back. It's just who she is. She will never feel happy until she see that the people around her are happy. And she will go all out to help other people. Well she did left me with one person tht she wanted to help out, coz she really wants him to achieve his dreams (well me too). But I did contacted him to help him out, but it seems there is no respond from his side, sorry Ma I did tried.
When I think back for all this while and see how Mummy managed the family and Daddy. How she took care all of her responsibilities and routines. I suddenly feel scared. Scared because, if one day I get married can I manage my family like Mummy did? If later one of my children get sick, can I take care of him or her like she took care of me? Do I have the patience like she had? Do I have the strength and courage like she possessed? Even now Im taking care of this household IS NOT AN EASY TASKS OK! So, how does she managed all this? Magic? The only magic tht she had is love and Allah. I think that is how she manage it all~
I love u Ma, and I miss u. I hope I can be a women like u one day :)
