What Influenced Me?

Dear diary,

         What influenced me the most? POLITICS! haahahaah! kidding :p Its my family of course! And my environment of me growing up. Well, not all Id been influenced my family coz, Mummy had a sewing business & hell no hack nothing I know about sewing. In fact, Im terrified to use the machine ;p For environment, well since I was 8 if Im not mistaken, Id been moving here and there like pulling-rope kindda of sort. First, I moved to Shah Alam, then to Langkawi, and then back to Shah Alam. Even in Shah Alam itself, Id moved to few houses that Id lost count! No la, kidding ;p its 1, 2, 3, 4....9 house! Lets make it 10 coz now Im in Subang..BINGGO! In a way, I do feel it change my characters a lot. Pindah tuh mmg susah, penat lepas tuh kena sesuaikan diri bukan senang. But trough that experience, Id learned to adapt myself to situations. Macam sesumpah gitu ;p Yea, I think I can survive if you put me or campak me in different kind of places with different kind of culture and environment. Cause, what I noticed Im the kind of person that can carry myself and just hangout or even talk to a complete and new person or you may call it strangers :D

          Maybe, I got that from my family. Mummy has a great way to alliances with people especially the Chinese. I think that is the reason why I can survive in Sunway ;p the way she talk, impressed me. So, as a result me myself I was complimented by the customers and guests about me competency and politeness when handling then and Im the most likable :) Macam suck-ass kan! pprrfffttt~ to bad, it actually happen :D The others, maybe because I was the youngest and the age gap is a GAP, so Im not so close to my siblings, is not I dont want to but I refused to just because "they are old! and Im young!" (useless reason right) well due to that reason and mindset until now I dont think Im able to get close to my brothers and sisters. I tried but it feels so awkward somehow. So influenced by them.....not likely or I just didnt noticed it yet.

           Friends. Aha! Do not forget about them. Even though we are close but I have my own way in bringing myself. Maybe, there are bits and parts of me that get influenced by them. Well, they were the one the initiate my social life. So, i dont what to put after 'so'. Teachers? To me they are not influencing but INSPIRING, for that I think Ill write in another blog.

Feelings are Old

Dear diary,

           Something that is new yet the feelings is still old. I know what Im doing but yet I dont quite figure it out. Im not confused, actually I know what I want & what will I do or even have but the feeling of incomplete still hunting me every time. Sometimes, I do feel like throwing it away & just keep moving on but every time Im alone & down, when I look besides me, Im the only person that exist in the room. Its not I dont want to share, but who I can trust? The person that I trust has betrayed me or in the beginning Im the one that was on denial. I will forever be in denial until a person that can convince me secure me that Ill be alright. Before, I was so certain & so sure with who Im going to ended with but then everything become so blur & till now it just fades away. And I dont want to feel that way but its the ultimate truth that I have to face. Yes, life is tough & life is just not fair, when we want to succeed, life will bring us down & vise-versa.

p/s: One thing that I have learned about myself is, when Im angry Ill just shut-up & wont talk until my anger fades away. But it will just take a few minutes or hours then Ill be ok, just like nothing had happen before. But if the thing triggers my tears, Ill wont talk & even people who try to consult me Ill push it away. And for the time for me to calm down, it will take much longer time then before & the worst thing I wont forget but Ill pretend for the sake of good.

Journey

Dear diary,

         There are a lot that I want to tell but I cant figure how to put in sentence. About Mummy, my studies, my 'new' interest and life. There are many wonderful and beautiful things that had happened to me and I hope really really prayed that it will continue forever and ever. Nevertheless, there are something that did not happen as I expected to be. Maybe memang ini dah ketentuan Allah, dah tak bagi, so no matter how hard I tried and how hard I worked to it, tetap takkan terjadi. But I dont blame anyone, not even myself. For me nih semua ujian Allah SWT and maybe His punishment for me, for what I had done. So aQ redha dengan ketentuanNYA. What is important for me now is to pursue my dreams and teruskan kehidupan. Even though, rasa sakit memang ketara, but rasa syukur yang tak terhingga sebab aQ adalah salah seorang yg terpilih untuk menjalani ujian ini. Maybe, this is one way for me to actually be independent  and stand on my two feet, not relying to anyone else like I used to before.

        Kalau nak ikutkan, dunia nih mmg tak adil, tapi lumrah hidup sentiasa ada puncak dan curam nye. Kalau kekurangan, bukan kehidupan la kowt. What that I been through is a learning process. Katakanlah, kalau bukan aQ yg lalui apa yg aQ lalui sekarang nih, aQ takkan mungkin ada depan laptop sekarang nih menaip blog nih kan? Apa yang terjadi makes me much much more stronger then before. Ada masenya rasa macam orang tua pown ada, macam cepat sangat kena jadi matang kena berdikari. Tapi kalau bukan sekarang bila lagi? Mummy, sekarang nih Alhamdulillah, bertambah sehat, tapi ini bukan signal yg membenarkan aQ untuk kembali pada cara aQ dahulu. Malah, apa perubahan yg berlaku pada Mummy sekarang adalah signal untuk aQ lebih bersedia dengan kemungkinan, bak kata Mr Danial; Contingency plan ;p aQ sedar dan aQ paham, hidup hanya sementara dan dalam kita akan tetap melakukan kesalahan kecik besara tanpa disedari. Tapi aQ beharap, apa yang aQ lakukan sekarang nih adalah demi kebaikkan dan kebahgiaan masa depan aQ. Segala keputusan dan kelakuan aQ sekarang, dalam hati aQ, aQ langsung tak berniat untuk menyakitkan hati sape sape. Tapi ini semua untuk kebaikkan semua.

       Im still in the process of getting to know the real me. Pelik kan? Selama aQ hidup aQ tak pernah kenal siapa sebanar diri aQ. Apa yang aQ nak, aQ cita cita kan, semua itu hanya keinginan dan nafsu semata mata. Semua itu, takkan tercapai selagi aQ tak mengenali diri aQ. Within this process, I need to try to depend on myself, try to reach the things that I really really dream of, try to reach the stars :) Kalau tak sampai ke bintang, at least aQ dapat mendongak ke langit dengan kederat aQ sendiri. Sebab tuh sekarang nih, I grap whatever chances that I could take. Any chance, as long as I won't look back and regret. I hope, along the way I will truly find my own true self.

Aku & Memori

Dear Diary,

Merintis, menangis

Resah dalam kerinduan

Mengingati, merindui

Seribu satu kisah

Kesal, pilu & hampa

Menjadi racun di dalam hati

Kebahgiaan masa lalu

Hanya mampu mengubati

Sepi sendiri

Adalah peneman karibku

Hanya gelak & tawa

Yang mampu menjadi pendampingku

Aku kesal

Aku meratapi

Aku sendiri

Aku dan memori

Whatever will be, will be~

Dear Diary,

Sounds so unprofessional but! Malas nak jadi professional! Well I'm now at my 5th semester (I passed my last semester!!! yea!!) so it means I'm getting nearer & nearer in getting my DEGREE! weeehhhooo :)) tahu tk? TAK! ;p hari tuh Mummy ade cerite pasal anak-anak dia, perangai jenis ape sume. So aQ korek laa satu-satu, dari Mimi sampailah Joji (I know all the dirty secret ;p)! So yg last sekali aQ tanye "Safa lak camne?" Patu Mummy jawab "Kamu? Hmmm...kamu tuh degil bebenor!" aiyark! "Ye laa, besides then degil?" "Suke melawan cakap aku. Bile aku suh buat nih ko buat yang lain." :(((((( "Selain tuh? Safa nih jenis yg pandai ke? Yang boleh jenis belaja ke?" Patu Mummy jawab "Kalau kamu tuh jenis tak boleh belajo, tkde laa aku bayar hantar kamu pergi belajar." "Yeaaa! So same dengan Safa nih pandai laa jugak ye?" Mummy tak jawab.........

ADEH!~ seronok jugak bile kene puji kan? Did I ever told you bout my dream?



A dream that actually change my feelings and thoughts about everything? Well, I already told Mummy for sure & I kindly confess to Mummy what are my feelings really are, bout I regret with all the things that I done & if I had been given a chance (again) I will not going to ruin it at all! Apakah mimpi itu? Tunggulah bile benda tuh dah jadi kenyataan, baru aQ cecite :)) But at the same time I did ask Mummy tuk doakan agar apa ade dalam mimpi tuh akan jadi kenyataan dan aQ yakin cume tak tahu bile. Dan semuanya aQ serahkan pada Allah SWT sebab dia yang tahu apa sebenarnya maksud disebalik mimpi tuh~

<3 Rambut Mummy botakkan? Hehe! But now rambut Mummy macam Helle Berry! <3 (taken on Mummy's 66th Birthday)

Research Proposal

Dear Diary,
Seriously i have to write 'dear diary' whenever i want to start? hahaa..sometimes i do think myself as silly i could be and sometimes as dumb as hell too. i know its been months from my last update but who can blame me right? ive been busy with stuff, not stuff actually but study! i know ive been a brag about studying in Sunway and bla bla bla, but hey! if you dont appreciate the place where you gained your knowledge, it means you just have no pride and respect. am i making sense? no? well as i said, i could be as dumb as hell sometimes, not all the time ;p

I miss my friends! i miss Kelly, Hamidah, Yasirah, Hannuun, Emil, Umi, Damia, Danial, Izzuddin and not forgetting Shiken <3 ouh! one name, I miss Zam too :( its been a long time since we sat together and talk about stuff, life, rubbish, future. i seriously miss all of you! and im so sorry i cant really hang out or to be involved with all the past gathering. is not i dont want but i really cant. sometimes, i do really have no money to go out, i only got cents and pennies in my wallet, i cant ask from mummy, coz she herself need to use the money for her treatment. im so sorry, please.

Back to the title/topic. i do really feel demotivated by my research. yes im so confident with my research eraly on but after the most horrible bad worst presentation ever id been through, its just like my confidence level with this goes down and vanished! vanished! is no more, i have no idea what to do and to who im suppose to turn too. i know ive blurt it out in FB few days ago but nothing change. the proposal is laying besides me while im typing this, but i have no semangat to open it nor to even read it~

9th JUNE 2011

Dear Diary,

My Mummy cooked the BEST Ikan Masak Acar EVER!! & I'm proud to be fatty boom boom Mummy's youngest daughter. hehe! ;p Kate yo-yo jhe nak diet, tapi kalau dah melantak 2 pinggan terak nak diet ape kan? Lagipon aku mmg suke pown kalau Mummy wat masak acar. heemmmm, bile laa aku nak pandai memasak macam Mummy kan? Aku masak alar kadar boleh laa kot ;p

Hari aku balik lewat dari kerje, biaselah kalau dah kene PM shift dah nak dekat tgh malam laa jugak balik. Tapi tadikan dapat laa jugak tgk group team Coach Aiza wat lagu Lazy Song tuk competition tuh nanti. CUTE giler bebudak tuh! haha! pandai gak derang choreograph dance tuk lagu tuh. Hari nih tkde pape menarik kot kat tmpat keje, wat cm biase laaa kot layan customer tuk students attendance dan bende bende biase jhe laa. Just hari nih aku kene handle ticketing counter kejap. TOLONG. (cam sarcastic jhe kan? tkpe laa biarkan, tkmo cite skang & malas nak ingat ingat blk ;p )

Bile balik umah, 1st time aku masuk umah Mummy tak tunggu aku balik. Selalunye Mummy mesti ade baring kat depan tv or kat dapur or kat mesin jahit. Patu hug Mummy then baru aku makan. Tapi hari nih masuk rumah terus gi dapur makan. Joji cakap Mummy dah tido :( . So lepas aku makan 2 pinggan terak tuh, aku naek atas tgk Mummy dalam bilik, Mummy dah tido? Tapi macam biaselah, aku kacau Mummy lompat atas katel. Hehe! Saje nak dengar suare Mummy. Mummy cakap, Mummy mala nih saket sgt, ape Mummy buat hari nih sume tak jadi. Masak pown tak betul. Tapi aku cakap "Eyh! Sedaplaa Mummy, Safa makan banyak." Memang sedaplaa, mmg laa ade rase kurang sket, maybe kuah die banyak kot tapi rase die still sedap. Nih kalu Mimi ade laaa, lagi banyak die makan dari Safa. Ngehhh! Mummy cakap hari nih memang badan Mummy saket sgt :( tak suke laa dengar Mummy cakap camtuhh! Mummy kan kuat. Mummy sorang sorang yg jage Safa time Safa comma dulu kan? Mummy mane boleh cakap macam tuh! Safa tknak Mummy saket, Safa tknak Mummy pergi dulu.