Dear Diary,
funny thing happen today. So early this morning I decided to go skating for practice. I just fail when any elements got to do with crossing ;p haha! But yea, went skating this morning. Saje nak nyebok, Tom Yam is really damn good for digestion but u kena letak serai halia sume laaa...semalam masak, hari nih sume keluar ;p
OK! back to the story. I met a friend, dah lama gilak tak jumpe and also he skate, so I was like kind of excited laa jumpe dia kan and to make things more clear, my friend was a HE. So tegur laa kan of course! Then borak tanya kabar and bla bla bla, he brought a friend which is a girl. But dia tkde laa introduce kawan pompan dia kat aQ. But she maybe her first time skate, so my friend (ok, name him Z) guide her laa in the rink. a while after that, they went out but Z came back in and skate so we skate together and at the same time we chatted laa kan, tkkn nak nari hindustan kat dalam rink tuh...hahaa!
Make long story short, the girl (name her A) get a bit confius I assume and ask me a question. I was outside resting on the bench at this time and Z was still inside skating. Me and A talked at first, normal talk talk laa then she popped up the question:
A: U dgn Z kawan dari bile?
Me: Dari mule skate dulu, last year kot..
A: U mmg skate ekh?
Me: Ha'ah, dulu saje saje je but skang bleh jd student lak..
A: OOoooOoo....
A: U dgn Z ade pape ke, sbb dia tk pernah pon sebut pasal U..?
Me: (terkejut!) Ade ape yg cmne? Z ngn I kawan skate je..tk lepak pon lepas skate...
A: ouh....
When I tried to look at her face, her face was a bit red and serious...
Me: U..sorry ek, kalau U risau I ngn Z, we both dont go more then just friends and by the way, I dont even like or into guys. (straight poker face! And with confidence!)
A: What?
Me: (I just nodded spontaneously)
Patu ape lagi....cabut masuk ice rink laa kan! muaahahaahah! then at 12.30 noon I decided to went home laa, dari kul 7am kot ade kat rink..tercaboot kaki bai! Sekali whatsapp masuk
Z: Weh! A ade cite...betul ke?
Me: Betul mende?? (wat wat tktaw)
Z: Ko gay?
Me: Gay ke guy?
Z: That U dont like guys.....
Me: U think???
Z: Ur haircut got style already..... ;p
Me: Ham-sap lu! hahaahahaaha....
The other conversations, I no need to put here ok...panjang........................ ;p
Moral of the story is, even tho Im gay or les or even straight is not the point. The important point is Ill do anything for a friend. Friends that is around me are very important to me, and Ill do anything to protect them especially my close friends and sometimes I do get misunderstood but as long as my friends knows who I am, Im ok with it. So before he got scolding free free from his gf-wanna-be-and-spoiled, better save him and ME! ;p
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Monday, December 10, 2012
Dense or Light: Fold or Whisk?
Dear Diary,
I learned something new today. Well, Im supposed or wanted to make cupcakes for Duween's 9th Birthday this Wednesday. And I picked up the book that Robin bought for me the other day and screen through the whole book and I actually rewind the scan and stopped at Cupcake Wedding Cake. The reason why I choose this recipe is not because is a 'Wedding' cupcake, but its because "Only this recipe that has the metrics for the butter and not using tbsp or lb or whatever!"
Before I actually started doing this, I did remembered that someone once told me that to fold the flour and this recipe actually asked u to fold the flour not to whisk it or whip it. But then I remembered, the last time I did cupcakes I just whisk it through all the ingredients into the machine and still produced nice delicious cuppies! So I decided to do some digging and what I found is, folding doesnt incorporate air to the flour but whisking will. OK! I have no idea what it does to the actual cake. So being the genius I would call 'me' I would want to be Albert Einstein for tonight and actually experiment it! So I divide the recipe to 2 portion and A is fold and B is whisk.
So whisk then fold, another one whisk then whisk. Bake. Wallaaa! Let it cool 1st. Wash all the used plates, spoons, whisk, tupperwares and whatever lah that has been used for this genius experiment. Then only tasting time! :D Before that, I actually realized that, the fold method actually rise more then the whisk method. Whisk method did rise, but a little, so if I want to used the whisk method I would want to fill my cuppies a bit more then half of the cuppies case. Ok the tasting part! nom nom nom! The fold method actually produce more dense cake then the whisk. It means, when u bite to Exhibit A you will feel the crumbling of the cake from the top of the cake to the middle to the bottom and you will chew a little bit more laa (unless you are a person that bite and swallow). Exhibit B, the whisk method has produced a cake that is lighter, a bit crunchy at the outer layer (up and bottom) then after that is like bristles runs to your teeth then straight down. And I personally prefer the Exhibit B to be 'My Kind of Cupcake'. <3
But the only thing that need to be concerned when doing this method. I really need to control the whisking, not to over whisked unless I want my batter to be spoil :( So if anyone who read this part of diary of mine. The Exhibit B method need to be practice and by the way, Practice Makes Perfect :D
So tomorrow Ill be decorating the cakes, since its already 4am! Ill continue piping and drawing tomorrow. And if Im being an angel, Ill post some pictures tomorrow or the day after and after and after and after ;p A bit whoopie already, so better get going. Goodnight!
I learned something new today. Well, Im supposed or wanted to make cupcakes for Duween's 9th Birthday this Wednesday. And I picked up the book that Robin bought for me the other day and screen through the whole book and I actually rewind the scan and stopped at Cupcake Wedding Cake. The reason why I choose this recipe is not because is a 'Wedding' cupcake, but its because "Only this recipe that has the metrics for the butter and not using tbsp or lb or whatever!"
Before I actually started doing this, I did remembered that someone once told me that to fold the flour and this recipe actually asked u to fold the flour not to whisk it or whip it. But then I remembered, the last time I did cupcakes I just whisk it through all the ingredients into the machine and still produced nice delicious cuppies! So I decided to do some digging and what I found is, folding doesnt incorporate air to the flour but whisking will. OK! I have no idea what it does to the actual cake. So being the genius I would call 'me' I would want to be Albert Einstein for tonight and actually experiment it! So I divide the recipe to 2 portion and A is fold and B is whisk.
So whisk then fold, another one whisk then whisk. Bake. Wallaaa! Let it cool 1st. Wash all the used plates, spoons, whisk, tupperwares and whatever lah that has been used for this genius experiment. Then only tasting time! :D Before that, I actually realized that, the fold method actually rise more then the whisk method. Whisk method did rise, but a little, so if I want to used the whisk method I would want to fill my cuppies a bit more then half of the cuppies case. Ok the tasting part! nom nom nom! The fold method actually produce more dense cake then the whisk. It means, when u bite to Exhibit A you will feel the crumbling of the cake from the top of the cake to the middle to the bottom and you will chew a little bit more laa (unless you are a person that bite and swallow). Exhibit B, the whisk method has produced a cake that is lighter, a bit crunchy at the outer layer (up and bottom) then after that is like bristles runs to your teeth then straight down. And I personally prefer the Exhibit B to be 'My Kind of Cupcake'. <3
But the only thing that need to be concerned when doing this method. I really need to control the whisking, not to over whisked unless I want my batter to be spoil :( So if anyone who read this part of diary of mine. The Exhibit B method need to be practice and by the way, Practice Makes Perfect :D
So tomorrow Ill be decorating the cakes, since its already 4am! Ill continue piping and drawing tomorrow. And if Im being an angel, Ill post some pictures tomorrow or the day after and after and after and after ;p A bit whoopie already, so better get going. Goodnight!
Friday, November 9, 2012
I dont know what title to put?
Dear Diary,
I dont know how it is suppose to felt when someone tht u spend the life with for more then 40 years suddenly gone. Well I do feel sorry whenever I see him lying down the bed alone. Like earlier today, I wanted to go down and cooked dinner but make a detour to the toilet (I always use the master bedroom's toilet) then I saw him lying down taking his evening short-nap with Mummy's pillow lay by his side at Mummy's side of the bed being patted by him. We will always have our own pillows and pillow cases and boosters. Mummy says it always has our smell on it even though its freshly washed, so it will never mixed around or we will never used someones else pillow. So, we get used to it and plus our pillow is customized, its not like ordinary pillows in the super market. Our pillow is extra long and extra wide, I remembered one of my cousins mentioned "Bantal Anjang, boleh muat 2 orang tido.." :)
Even though I only glanced for few seconds then looked away. But deep in my heart, I know tht he misses Mummy a lot. Well, maybe I wouldn't know how does it feels like, cz Im not married yet. But I reckon that losing a mother is not as same as losing a wife. Bukan nak samekanlaa, aQ nih pown tak sampai 10 tahun kenal DCB pown skang bukan main susah nak lupekan dia, apentah lagi yg dah hidup bersama sama 40 tahun, siap ade 6 org anak dgn cucu lagi. Furthermore, most of the closes people to our family did said that Mummy was really had his back all this while, especially when he faced the rough phase of his life and carrier. But with Mummy's help, prayers and support they got through it all.
Well, Mummy will always got everyone's back. It's just who she is. She will never feel happy until she see that the people around her are happy. And she will go all out to help other people. Well she did left me with one person tht she wanted to help out, coz she really wants him to achieve his dreams (well me too). But I did contacted him to help him out, but it seems there is no respond from his side, sorry Ma I did tried.
When I think back for all this while and see how Mummy managed the family and Daddy. How she took care all of her responsibilities and routines. I suddenly feel scared. Scared because, if one day I get married can I manage my family like Mummy did? If later one of my children get sick, can I take care of him or her like she took care of me? Do I have the patience like she had? Do I have the strength and courage like she possessed? Even now Im taking care of this household IS NOT AN EASY TASKS OK! So, how does she managed all this? Magic? The only magic tht she had is love and Allah. I think that is how she manage it all~
I love u Ma, and I miss u. I hope I can be a women like u one day :)
I dont know how it is suppose to felt when someone tht u spend the life with for more then 40 years suddenly gone. Well I do feel sorry whenever I see him lying down the bed alone. Like earlier today, I wanted to go down and cooked dinner but make a detour to the toilet (I always use the master bedroom's toilet) then I saw him lying down taking his evening short-nap with Mummy's pillow lay by his side at Mummy's side of the bed being patted by him. We will always have our own pillows and pillow cases and boosters. Mummy says it always has our smell on it even though its freshly washed, so it will never mixed around or we will never used someones else pillow. So, we get used to it and plus our pillow is customized, its not like ordinary pillows in the super market. Our pillow is extra long and extra wide, I remembered one of my cousins mentioned "Bantal Anjang, boleh muat 2 orang tido.." :)
Even though I only glanced for few seconds then looked away. But deep in my heart, I know tht he misses Mummy a lot. Well, maybe I wouldn't know how does it feels like, cz Im not married yet. But I reckon that losing a mother is not as same as losing a wife. Bukan nak samekanlaa, aQ nih pown tak sampai 10 tahun kenal DCB pown skang bukan main susah nak lupekan dia, apentah lagi yg dah hidup bersama sama 40 tahun, siap ade 6 org anak dgn cucu lagi. Furthermore, most of the closes people to our family did said that Mummy was really had his back all this while, especially when he faced the rough phase of his life and carrier. But with Mummy's help, prayers and support they got through it all.
Well, Mummy will always got everyone's back. It's just who she is. She will never feel happy until she see that the people around her are happy. And she will go all out to help other people. Well she did left me with one person tht she wanted to help out, coz she really wants him to achieve his dreams (well me too). But I did contacted him to help him out, but it seems there is no respond from his side, sorry Ma I did tried.
When I think back for all this while and see how Mummy managed the family and Daddy. How she took care all of her responsibilities and routines. I suddenly feel scared. Scared because, if one day I get married can I manage my family like Mummy did? If later one of my children get sick, can I take care of him or her like she took care of me? Do I have the patience like she had? Do I have the strength and courage like she possessed? Even now Im taking care of this household IS NOT AN EASY TASKS OK! So, how does she managed all this? Magic? The only magic tht she had is love and Allah. I think that is how she manage it all~
I love u Ma, and I miss u. I hope I can be a women like u one day :)
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
ACCEPTANCE
Dear Diary,
Its hard to accept when a person that used to care of me before is now caring about somebody else. And despite all that, the somebody that he care now is much more better then I do. It feels like so "FUCK YOU!!" But then what am I suppose to do. I cant hate him, I really cant but I cant love him either. I really prayed that Allah will give me an answer.
Anyway I am now on my way to Sungkai. Abg G will pick me up at KLCC then shoot off to Sungkai. Herm...org sebelah aQ cakal pasal McD laa lak. Ouh! Im in the KTM train now, heading to Kl Sentral, maybe gonna shop for a selendang, yellow selendang to macth my baju raya Haji that Daddy bought for me 2 days ago. Maybe Im going to post a picture of the dress later.
Well for the time being. I am happy that Im going back to Mummy's place ♡
Sunday, October 21, 2012
CINTA
Cinta...
Kenapa engkau ada?
Kenapa engkau hadir?
Di saat aku tidak meminta.
Di masa aku tidak merayu.
Cinta...
Kemanakah engkau?
Bila engkau berlalu?
Tika aku berduka.
Mendambakan kasih.
Cinta...
Adakah hanya aku?
Atau emang benar bukan aku yang bermimpi?
Impikan sesuatu yang tidak mungkin aku miliki.
Yang separuh hatiku ada pada dia?
Kenapa engkau ada?
Kenapa engkau hadir?
Di saat aku tidak meminta.
Di masa aku tidak merayu.
Cinta...
Kemanakah engkau?
Bila engkau berlalu?
Tika aku berduka.
Mendambakan kasih.
Cinta...
Adakah hanya aku?
Atau emang benar bukan aku yang bermimpi?
Impikan sesuatu yang tidak mungkin aku miliki.
Yang separuh hatiku ada pada dia?
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
DREAM
Deat Diary,
Malam semalam aQ bermimpi. Maybe aQ tido bkn niat nak tido but jst to take a short nap, and maybe bdn aQ mmg keletihan shotg nap = beauty sleep. So mmg laa tk basuh kaki sume kan (kantoi jugK!). Dalam mimpi tuh ade Mummy. Cerita dia, we are actually going somewhers, vacation maybe. Then its like, Mummy is driving, is quite late in the day coz wht I remembered was a dark surrounding not tht dark, dusk maybe. We are preparing ourselves for the vacation and Mummy drove off. Then it was like we made a few pit stop but Im not sure where is the place. Lepas tuh time is about 2 am then sekali we were in a accident and I saw Mummy bump her dead really really hard and she is not moving, I tried to wake her up, but she is not moving. Then I noticed tht she was gone!
After tht incident, I was praying hard to god to turn back time, I was begging please please please turn back time, coz I was not ready to lose my Mom and Ill do whatever it takes to save her this time. So maybe God granted my wish and I was back at the exact place where the dream starts. We are again getting ready to go somewhere and I saw Mummy, Ya Allah, I was so happy tht time I start to give my Mom a big giant hug. Suddenly I remembered th tI have to stop her for going to the trip. Its like Mummy still wNt to go ahead with the trip, then I started to convinced my other siblings not to let Mummy drive until 2 am. It was hard at the beginning to convinced thm. The trip was still on and Mummy was still driving. At the same time I didnt stop to convincing others to not letting Mummy drive until 2 am.
Then a spin took place, the trip is still on but Mummy board a plane. Alone. But at tht time, I was relive tht at least my Mom would be save, at least the car accident wont happen. Then I waited for my mom, I watched the plane took off, I saw the plane is now I dont know how many feet above the ground and I was smiling. Suddenly, a strong wind blew my face, as I squint my eyes I saw the plane was also hit by the wind and the plane turn turning-turtle 360 degrees and flew helplessly and CRASH! I screamed my lungs out calling Mummy, my tears were like raindrops. The last thing I knew, Mummy dah tak ada. Lepas tuh macam ade org cakap bgrtaw aQ yg semua ini takdir Allah, and even how hard I tried to save her, I dont have the power to go against, Kun Fa Ya Kun.
Well the dream doesnt stops there where it continues to dream Double Cheese Burger. Yea I know, I know I should forget about him. But there's the thing, every time I managed to forget about him or I have a happier day not thinking bout him, then Ill dream about him. Haih! Trust me, I also dunno what to do! Ok in the dream, I saw him with a girl (I guess it must be the girl tht I saw at Subang Parade with him few weeks ago) they are so happy, close and some mushy stuff happen (ok this mushy stuff happen bcoz of to much reading Wattpad!! And I did read about Marnie kissed Scott so lovingly before went to sleep..haha!) Details, I dont think I want to share. Ill share if Im the one who is doing the kissing with my prince charming, thn Ill share ;p Back to Double Cheese Burger, thy look so happy together, so sweet and loving. So who am I nak kacau bilaukan hubungan derang? Well maybe this is a goodbye dream then, good luck to both of you. See you if you still remember me to be one of the invitation list for your kenduri kawin!~
Malam semalam aQ bermimpi. Maybe aQ tido bkn niat nak tido but jst to take a short nap, and maybe bdn aQ mmg keletihan shotg nap = beauty sleep. So mmg laa tk basuh kaki sume kan (kantoi jugK!). Dalam mimpi tuh ade Mummy. Cerita dia, we are actually going somewhers, vacation maybe. Then its like, Mummy is driving, is quite late in the day coz wht I remembered was a dark surrounding not tht dark, dusk maybe. We are preparing ourselves for the vacation and Mummy drove off. Then it was like we made a few pit stop but Im not sure where is the place. Lepas tuh time is about 2 am then sekali we were in a accident and I saw Mummy bump her dead really really hard and she is not moving, I tried to wake her up, but she is not moving. Then I noticed tht she was gone!
After tht incident, I was praying hard to god to turn back time, I was begging please please please turn back time, coz I was not ready to lose my Mom and Ill do whatever it takes to save her this time. So maybe God granted my wish and I was back at the exact place where the dream starts. We are again getting ready to go somewhere and I saw Mummy, Ya Allah, I was so happy tht time I start to give my Mom a big giant hug. Suddenly I remembered th tI have to stop her for going to the trip. Its like Mummy still wNt to go ahead with the trip, then I started to convinced my other siblings not to let Mummy drive until 2 am. It was hard at the beginning to convinced thm. The trip was still on and Mummy was still driving. At the same time I didnt stop to convincing others to not letting Mummy drive until 2 am.
Then a spin took place, the trip is still on but Mummy board a plane. Alone. But at tht time, I was relive tht at least my Mom would be save, at least the car accident wont happen. Then I waited for my mom, I watched the plane took off, I saw the plane is now I dont know how many feet above the ground and I was smiling. Suddenly, a strong wind blew my face, as I squint my eyes I saw the plane was also hit by the wind and the plane turn turning-turtle 360 degrees and flew helplessly and CRASH! I screamed my lungs out calling Mummy, my tears were like raindrops. The last thing I knew, Mummy dah tak ada. Lepas tuh macam ade org cakap bgrtaw aQ yg semua ini takdir Allah, and even how hard I tried to save her, I dont have the power to go against, Kun Fa Ya Kun.
Well the dream doesnt stops there where it continues to dream Double Cheese Burger. Yea I know, I know I should forget about him. But there's the thing, every time I managed to forget about him or I have a happier day not thinking bout him, then Ill dream about him. Haih! Trust me, I also dunno what to do! Ok in the dream, I saw him with a girl (I guess it must be the girl tht I saw at Subang Parade with him few weeks ago) they are so happy, close and some mushy stuff happen (ok this mushy stuff happen bcoz of to much reading Wattpad!! And I did read about Marnie kissed Scott so lovingly before went to sleep..haha!) Details, I dont think I want to share. Ill share if Im the one who is doing the kissing with my prince charming, thn Ill share ;p Back to Double Cheese Burger, thy look so happy together, so sweet and loving. So who am I nak kacau bilaukan hubungan derang? Well maybe this is a goodbye dream then, good luck to both of you. See you if you still remember me to be one of the invitation list for your kenduri kawin!~
Monday, October 15, 2012
TAKDIR
Dear Diary,
The feelings tht hunted me 2 years back are crawling inside my bones, eating it slowly as it creeps towards my heart. The feeling of disappointment and frustration. I am doubting my decisions of moving on and the questions of what if and why keeps popping into my super short hair head. Urgh!! I really hate this feelings. Why cant I just decide and stick to it and move on! Why it is so hard for me to let go this Double Cheese Burger HUMAN!! Is he really a human? Then why is he so over powering towards me? Every time I try to forget, the more I miss him, the more I cudnt let him go! This human or may not be human guy has a GF laa Uriey Safa! What am I still hoping for? Miracle? ALLAH already granted me 2 miracle by giving me chances to wake up from tht dreadful comma, twice Safa TWICE! What other miracle tht Im hoping for? Tht for tht human to come running back to me? Just like in my dream, tht the human will always be there for me? Dreams do come true, but in this situation 'the dream' will never come true. YA ALLAH please let me forget him, please let me forget tht human.
The moment I saw him at Subang Parade few weeks ago and quite a sweet girl talking and smiling, I just saw sparkles in the girl's pair of eyes. I did want to jump in and say hello, Oh my dear God, I really really do want to say Hello, its killing me right tht moment not to say hello. But when I saw tht human curik curik pandang at her and when he look away, she look at him, i just stopped and instead walking forward, im walking backwards. I dont want to turn my back on him and I know I was going the wrong way but I just had to when I bumped of one of the trainers at Celebrity Fitness. "Are you ok?" "I am not ok."
Mummy once told me tht "You dont have to end up with ur own circle of friends" and everytime I try to get bck to him by all the telco providers method but he jst shut me down, it feels like a dagger had reached its target, right into my soul. Mummy knows how Im feeling, she always look at me when Im down and hugged me and kissed my forehead "Its ok my princess, I will always love and be there for you. He is some guy tht didnt know how to appreciated the things tht u had given and done for him." And everytime I just let myself cry of shame and disappointment Mummy just say "He is a fool letting you go. He already break his promise towards you and the promise tht he told me. He is not worth it. You will find someone better." I know Mummy just saying to keep me calmed by saying tht but the truth is Mummy herself are fond to him. Tht is the biggest reason of my feelings, when I see him with Mummy they were so comfortable, and he and Daddy, thy almost shared the same interest and they just click since the very 1st time my parents met him, they are ngam like tht, like a fondant perfectly attached to a delicate cake. Mummy knows tht Id regretted on the things I had done. Even tho its not 100% caused by me, I may contributed like 28% of it, out of anger and rage and fear it is enough to destroy a friendship.
I always told Mummy tht we are just friends. But who am I to lie to her. Mummy knows me well, well enough to know where is my biggest scar on my body. She knows just looking into my eyes and my sadness tht I do have 'more thn friend' feelings towards him. But me being me, I denied it straight away! Im not the type of girl tht wants a fairy-tale romantic relationship, I just want an honest true relationship. But when I get it, I become to over protective thn when I started of losing grip, then is when Im starting to FREAK OUT! Mummy told me tht I am just like a white pearl, ugly and hard at the outside (shell) but once its open it becomes priceless but when the pearl is brushed and washed it become something beautiful and pricey. That is why Ustaz Hafiz gave me another name, Intan Baiduri (tht is how U-Riey came around).
Why do I have know this human? Why does this human have to come into my life? And why the heck Im giving this human a McDonald's nickname? I should give him a KFC's nickname instead! Like super hideous Crunchy Spicy Chicken...yuck! Why do I have to fall for this human? Well, the answer will be quite obvious i guess, its destined...TAKDIR.
The feelings tht hunted me 2 years back are crawling inside my bones, eating it slowly as it creeps towards my heart. The feeling of disappointment and frustration. I am doubting my decisions of moving on and the questions of what if and why keeps popping into my super short hair head. Urgh!! I really hate this feelings. Why cant I just decide and stick to it and move on! Why it is so hard for me to let go this Double Cheese Burger HUMAN!! Is he really a human? Then why is he so over powering towards me? Every time I try to forget, the more I miss him, the more I cudnt let him go! This human or may not be human guy has a GF laa Uriey Safa! What am I still hoping for? Miracle? ALLAH already granted me 2 miracle by giving me chances to wake up from tht dreadful comma, twice Safa TWICE! What other miracle tht Im hoping for? Tht for tht human to come running back to me? Just like in my dream, tht the human will always be there for me? Dreams do come true, but in this situation 'the dream' will never come true. YA ALLAH please let me forget him, please let me forget tht human.
The moment I saw him at Subang Parade few weeks ago and quite a sweet girl talking and smiling, I just saw sparkles in the girl's pair of eyes. I did want to jump in and say hello, Oh my dear God, I really really do want to say Hello, its killing me right tht moment not to say hello. But when I saw tht human curik curik pandang at her and when he look away, she look at him, i just stopped and instead walking forward, im walking backwards. I dont want to turn my back on him and I know I was going the wrong way but I just had to when I bumped of one of the trainers at Celebrity Fitness. "Are you ok?" "I am not ok."
Mummy once told me tht "You dont have to end up with ur own circle of friends" and everytime I try to get bck to him by all the telco providers method but he jst shut me down, it feels like a dagger had reached its target, right into my soul. Mummy knows how Im feeling, she always look at me when Im down and hugged me and kissed my forehead "Its ok my princess, I will always love and be there for you. He is some guy tht didnt know how to appreciated the things tht u had given and done for him." And everytime I just let myself cry of shame and disappointment Mummy just say "He is a fool letting you go. He already break his promise towards you and the promise tht he told me. He is not worth it. You will find someone better." I know Mummy just saying to keep me calmed by saying tht but the truth is Mummy herself are fond to him. Tht is the biggest reason of my feelings, when I see him with Mummy they were so comfortable, and he and Daddy, thy almost shared the same interest and they just click since the very 1st time my parents met him, they are ngam like tht, like a fondant perfectly attached to a delicate cake. Mummy knows tht Id regretted on the things I had done. Even tho its not 100% caused by me, I may contributed like 28% of it, out of anger and rage and fear it is enough to destroy a friendship.
I always told Mummy tht we are just friends. But who am I to lie to her. Mummy knows me well, well enough to know where is my biggest scar on my body. She knows just looking into my eyes and my sadness tht I do have 'more thn friend' feelings towards him. But me being me, I denied it straight away! Im not the type of girl tht wants a fairy-tale romantic relationship, I just want an honest true relationship. But when I get it, I become to over protective thn when I started of losing grip, then is when Im starting to FREAK OUT! Mummy told me tht I am just like a white pearl, ugly and hard at the outside (shell) but once its open it becomes priceless but when the pearl is brushed and washed it become something beautiful and pricey. That is why Ustaz Hafiz gave me another name, Intan Baiduri (tht is how U-Riey came around).
Why do I have know this human? Why does this human have to come into my life? And why the heck Im giving this human a McDonald's nickname? I should give him a KFC's nickname instead! Like super hideous Crunchy Spicy Chicken...yuck! Why do I have to fall for this human? Well, the answer will be quite obvious i guess, its destined...TAKDIR.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Dedicated to Double Cheese Burger
Dear Diary,
FRIENDS. We wont be more then just friends. Close friends. Soul mate. Best Friends Forever. U just name it, semua kita dah janji. But why cant we be more then just friends? Is it a fault to be that? I think 'awkward' would be the answer. But its still not a sin right? Its not betraying the country until we can be jail or get thrown out of the country by just doing that right? And still its 'awkward'.
Well, I think its a bit to late right now. After of what had happened, after he knows the real me and my feelings towards him (not verbally, but by action and I hope he understand it. Which I think he did) things get awfully strange and awkward. I really wish that I can just turn back time, and do things differently by just maintaining the feelings by being just BFF. And now after that 'turn-out' things had been gaping and an invisible The Bridge of China has separated us.
As time goes by, we did have our own lives and our own responsibilities and our own dreams to reach for. And as time goes by, I do tried to redeveloped my feeling from 'more then just friends' to back to 'just friends'. And its surprising the more hard I tried, the more feelings is developing. Plus, its been a while since I met him (few months).
Before, when things are good between us. We are very much like kumbang and even after we met or 'date' we still stuck with our phone and sms-ing. If not, in front of our computers, ym-ing or video messaging or calling through ym. I do think at that time, he has the same feelings like I do. The way he acted around me or virtually around me its so comfortable (or its only me that has the feelings? tepuk sebelah kaki laaa plak kan). I just can tell everything about me to him and he does the same thing to (I still remember the pad and tampon conversation, its weird! 12/10) Then everything goes so wrong when I started the 'fear' of losing him to someone else, that time everything, every actions, every words, every moments, EVERYTHING just went WRONG!
After finally we managed to end it all, our friendship, our memories and our promises and oaths. I regretted, but its too late. Damage has been done and decision has been said. Between us now are just strangers. Strangers that each of of us know the exact person who we were before. Strangers that strangely had entered to each other lives once upon a time ago. Strangers that comes from sworn Best Friends. Its scary to think that lives work this way. Everything goes round, not a a square nor a triangle where we can easily see what is down and up.
And now the fear of losing is switched to a fear of saying goodbye. He has a GF now. Which by knowing him for a long time, his GF now is exactly like he liked, Chinese look, fair and chubby (Mummy also guess the same thing too). I dont want to lose him, I seriously dont. Tapi nih semua takdir. Takdir dah menemukan yang lebih baik untuk dia dan lebih sempurna dari aQ untuk dia. Jadi aQ kat sini cuma mampu mendoakan agar dia bahagia dan Insya Allah akan menemui kebahgiaan aQ walau denga apa pun caranya.
FRIENDS. We wont be more then just friends. Close friends. Soul mate. Best Friends Forever. U just name it, semua kita dah janji. But why cant we be more then just friends? Is it a fault to be that? I think 'awkward' would be the answer. But its still not a sin right? Its not betraying the country until we can be jail or get thrown out of the country by just doing that right? And still its 'awkward'.
Well, I think its a bit to late right now. After of what had happened, after he knows the real me and my feelings towards him (not verbally, but by action and I hope he understand it. Which I think he did) things get awfully strange and awkward. I really wish that I can just turn back time, and do things differently by just maintaining the feelings by being just BFF. And now after that 'turn-out' things had been gaping and an invisible The Bridge of China has separated us.
As time goes by, we did have our own lives and our own responsibilities and our own dreams to reach for. And as time goes by, I do tried to redeveloped my feeling from 'more then just friends' to back to 'just friends'. And its surprising the more hard I tried, the more feelings is developing. Plus, its been a while since I met him (few months).
Before, when things are good between us. We are very much like kumbang and even after we met or 'date' we still stuck with our phone and sms-ing. If not, in front of our computers, ym-ing or video messaging or calling through ym. I do think at that time, he has the same feelings like I do. The way he acted around me or virtually around me its so comfortable (or its only me that has the feelings? tepuk sebelah kaki laaa plak kan). I just can tell everything about me to him and he does the same thing to (I still remember the pad and tampon conversation, its weird! 12/10) Then everything goes so wrong when I started the 'fear' of losing him to someone else, that time everything, every actions, every words, every moments, EVERYTHING just went WRONG!
After finally we managed to end it all, our friendship, our memories and our promises and oaths. I regretted, but its too late. Damage has been done and decision has been said. Between us now are just strangers. Strangers that each of of us know the exact person who we were before. Strangers that strangely had entered to each other lives once upon a time ago. Strangers that comes from sworn Best Friends. Its scary to think that lives work this way. Everything goes round, not a a square nor a triangle where we can easily see what is down and up.
And now the fear of losing is switched to a fear of saying goodbye. He has a GF now. Which by knowing him for a long time, his GF now is exactly like he liked, Chinese look, fair and chubby (Mummy also guess the same thing too). I dont want to lose him, I seriously dont. Tapi nih semua takdir. Takdir dah menemukan yang lebih baik untuk dia dan lebih sempurna dari aQ untuk dia. Jadi aQ kat sini cuma mampu mendoakan agar dia bahagia dan Insya Allah akan menemui kebahgiaan aQ walau denga apa pun caranya.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
One & Only
Watch "Adele - One and only" on YouTube
Dear Diary,
Im officially a Wattpad addict! I love meljar2012's stories <3 Well currently Im hooked on 'Just You', its a continuity from 'Just A Kiss Goodnight' whereby the main characters for both of the book is actually best of friends. 'Just A Kiss Goodnight' is amazing! Topped 'Twilight' for me. But I dont want the story to be a movie, it is much more fun if you can imagined in your head while reading (seductively I have!)
This song (the one that I posted) is actually from 'Just You' when Marnie sang in her bathroom out loud, I think intentionally to make Scoot understand the lyrics ;p . And when Im reading this 2 books, well of coz Mollie and Marnie was me and Callen and Scoot was Double Cheeseburger. Hahah! While Brock is McChiken, OMG! Ok done for now :D
When you love someone for so long, how do you give them up? Even despite the heartbreak they caused? (Marnie, Just You)
p/s: If you dont understand where Im coming from. Just go to wattpad (u can dload it to ur tablet or read it through ur comp or lappy) and read 'Just A Kiss Goodnight' AND THEN 'Just You'.
Dear Diary,
Im officially a Wattpad addict! I love meljar2012's stories <3 Well currently Im hooked on 'Just You', its a continuity from 'Just A Kiss Goodnight' whereby the main characters for both of the book is actually best of friends. 'Just A Kiss Goodnight' is amazing! Topped 'Twilight' for me. But I dont want the story to be a movie, it is much more fun if you can imagined in your head while reading (seductively I have!)
This song (the one that I posted) is actually from 'Just You' when Marnie sang in her bathroom out loud, I think intentionally to make Scoot understand the lyrics ;p . And when Im reading this 2 books, well of coz Mollie and Marnie was me and Callen and Scoot was Double Cheeseburger. Hahah! While Brock is McChiken, OMG! Ok done for now :D
When you love someone for so long, how do you give them up? Even despite the heartbreak they caused? (Marnie, Just You)
p/s: If you dont understand where Im coming from. Just go to wattpad (u can dload it to ur tablet or read it through ur comp or lappy) and read 'Just A Kiss Goodnight' AND THEN 'Just You'.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
CHANGES
Dear Diary,
Few people asked me, am I on a diet? Hahaahahha! Diet? There is no such word in my life dictionary 'diet' unless 'lose 5kg for taekwondo tournament weight-day' itu ada. Well I do notice tht few of my clothes and pants are getting loose. But I always say 'its da washing machine tht make it loose' BLAME IT ON THE MACHINE ;p . Because, everytime i weight myself...takde pon turun kak nab oiiii! BLAME IT ON THE WEIGHING MACHINE I guess :D
Well to be frank, it's because UFO dah tak suap dah sbb tuh Safa kurus ;p . No lah! Kidding jerk...but diet tuh tk kan so maybe its because I missed Mummy's cooking and I miss Mummy herself. If u say Im covering and actually Im dieting but dunwan to admit, where got diet person go eat McDonalds breakfast EVERYDAY. Want me to repeat arrr? Haiyaaa....(asal aQ cakap cina pon wo pu che taw). Its like, so boring without her. I really miss her cooking evendo its just sambal ikan bilis and ikan masin. I still remember when Mummy watched Halal Bio in Astro Oasis and they showed how they actually captured the mamak guy making roti canai. Ama! Mummy dunwan to eat roti canai outside already. So one fine day, Mummy decided to be her own Ane and make roti canai. Seriouslaa! So when I saw her, I said "Mummy pandai ke buat roti canai" thn Mummy answered "eyh! Bolehlaaaa..aQ mase kecik kecik dulu inilaaa makanan breakfast kiteorg" so I pon "oooooooooooooooOooooooo..." tapi dalam hati aQ, sedap ke?
She make the roti canai sumwhere midnyte, because the dough need to be rest first. Tomorrow nye plak, I ke Mummy yg cook sardin and later late afternoon she goreng laa her roti canai. Her 1st after all this years roti canai mcm tk jadi sket, keras actually jd cam lempeng. But no worries, me and Mummy still lahap the roti like tht roti its our last food. Once the roti masuk jhe dlm mulut........lembut and Sedap!!! Then Mummy cakap "lepas nih kene beli ghee dgn susu manis, td aQ gune planta jeee" "ok! And lepas nih Safa lak nk belaja buat" sambil sengih tp mengunyah.. " haaa! Taw pon kamu kan.." not long after tht, then Nazrul ntah dari mane pops out "eh! Ape nih!" Nazrul berkate memandang rendah..ngeh ngeh die tk rase lagi. "Mummy buat roti canai" and Nazrul berkate lag "Mummy taw ke buat roti canai?" Mummy senyum je and ajak Nazrul makan. So Nazrul pon duduk laa sebelah Mummy and suddenly dia lak yg meratah roti canai tuh dengan cicah dgn kuah sardin. "Haaaa taw pon kamu.." Mummy perli. Nguah nguah nguah!
Hurm...I miss u ryte now Mummy.
Another changes tht actually I realize about me is, I actually dah boleh bertolak ansur dengan Daddy. Bile rase nak marah and memberontak ade macam one voice that whisper to me "Maafkan laa Daddy. Biarkan dia menang, tk bermakne kite lemah" lepas tuh terus reda, magic! And ade sekli tuh, nak buat sambal sotong but im a bit lazy to go to carrefour after work so I askde Daddy to buy the sotong about 5 if the big ones or 7 if it is small. Sekali time aQ balik Daddg cakap dgn happy nye "Daddy dah beli sotong" aQ pon ok laa gud. Bile bukak sotong tuh dr plastic at the sink, omg! This is a sotong or octopus??? Its big and he bought like 10 of it. I remembered that Mummy pernah told me tht kalau buying the squid, the big ones actually liat and tk sedap. But nevermind laaa, aQ still cuci. But sotong itu punya bau...Masya Allah! I tought maybe the smell will go away after rendam dgn air lemon but after doing tht it still dosent work, Daddy beli sotong busuk laaa....adeh! Besar lak tuh, banyak lak tuh...I wanted to membebel kat Daddy but I laugh my heart out instead after I replay what uncle Talib say "kak Nor, Capt kalau pilih kapal reti laa kak Nor.." then everyone laughed. I glare at the living room and visiualising the moment.
Few people asked me, am I on a diet? Hahaahahha! Diet? There is no such word in my life dictionary 'diet' unless 'lose 5kg for taekwondo tournament weight-day' itu ada. Well I do notice tht few of my clothes and pants are getting loose. But I always say 'its da washing machine tht make it loose' BLAME IT ON THE MACHINE ;p . Because, everytime i weight myself...takde pon turun kak nab oiiii! BLAME IT ON THE WEIGHING MACHINE I guess :D
Well to be frank, it's because UFO dah tak suap dah sbb tuh Safa kurus ;p . No lah! Kidding jerk...but diet tuh tk kan so maybe its because I missed Mummy's cooking and I miss Mummy herself. If u say Im covering and actually Im dieting but dunwan to admit, where got diet person go eat McDonalds breakfast EVERYDAY. Want me to repeat arrr? Haiyaaa....(asal aQ cakap cina pon wo pu che taw). Its like, so boring without her. I really miss her cooking evendo its just sambal ikan bilis and ikan masin. I still remember when Mummy watched Halal Bio in Astro Oasis and they showed how they actually captured the mamak guy making roti canai. Ama! Mummy dunwan to eat roti canai outside already. So one fine day, Mummy decided to be her own Ane and make roti canai. Seriouslaa! So when I saw her, I said "Mummy pandai ke buat roti canai" thn Mummy answered "eyh! Bolehlaaaa..aQ mase kecik kecik dulu inilaaa makanan breakfast kiteorg" so I pon "oooooooooooooooOooooooo..." tapi dalam hati aQ, sedap ke?
She make the roti canai sumwhere midnyte, because the dough need to be rest first. Tomorrow nye plak, I ke Mummy yg cook sardin and later late afternoon she goreng laa her roti canai. Her 1st after all this years roti canai mcm tk jadi sket, keras actually jd cam lempeng. But no worries, me and Mummy still lahap the roti like tht roti its our last food. Once the roti masuk jhe dlm mulut........lembut and Sedap!!! Then Mummy cakap "lepas nih kene beli ghee dgn susu manis, td aQ gune planta jeee" "ok! And lepas nih Safa lak nk belaja buat" sambil sengih tp mengunyah.. " haaa! Taw pon kamu kan.." not long after tht, then Nazrul ntah dari mane pops out "eh! Ape nih!" Nazrul berkate memandang rendah..ngeh ngeh die tk rase lagi. "Mummy buat roti canai" and Nazrul berkate lag "Mummy taw ke buat roti canai?" Mummy senyum je and ajak Nazrul makan. So Nazrul pon duduk laa sebelah Mummy and suddenly dia lak yg meratah roti canai tuh dengan cicah dgn kuah sardin. "Haaaa taw pon kamu.." Mummy perli. Nguah nguah nguah!
Hurm...I miss u ryte now Mummy.
Another changes tht actually I realize about me is, I actually dah boleh bertolak ansur dengan Daddy. Bile rase nak marah and memberontak ade macam one voice that whisper to me "Maafkan laa Daddy. Biarkan dia menang, tk bermakne kite lemah" lepas tuh terus reda, magic! And ade sekli tuh, nak buat sambal sotong but im a bit lazy to go to carrefour after work so I askde Daddy to buy the sotong about 5 if the big ones or 7 if it is small. Sekali time aQ balik Daddg cakap dgn happy nye "Daddy dah beli sotong" aQ pon ok laa gud. Bile bukak sotong tuh dr plastic at the sink, omg! This is a sotong or octopus??? Its big and he bought like 10 of it. I remembered that Mummy pernah told me tht kalau buying the squid, the big ones actually liat and tk sedap. But nevermind laaa, aQ still cuci. But sotong itu punya bau...Masya Allah! I tought maybe the smell will go away after rendam dgn air lemon but after doing tht it still dosent work, Daddy beli sotong busuk laaa....adeh! Besar lak tuh, banyak lak tuh...I wanted to membebel kat Daddy but I laugh my heart out instead after I replay what uncle Talib say "kak Nor, Capt kalau pilih kapal reti laa kak Nor.." then everyone laughed. I glare at the living room and visiualising the moment.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Sepi.
Dear diary,
Bila aQ pandang ke arah kanan, aQ hanya mampu memberi salam. Bila aQ pandang ke kiri, aQ melakukan perkara yang sama. Dan akhirnya aQ menadah tangan dan membaca Al-Fatihah. Di tatkala itu hati aQ jadi sayu, sepi seperti tanpa penghuni. aQ rasa seperti mahu meronta, menjerit, melaung kuat kuat biar semua orang dengar, biar semua orang tahu. Tapi untuk apa? Untuk kepuasan? Untuk kebebasan? Atau untuk menenangkan hati?
Bila aQ membaca ayat terakhir surah Al-Fatihah, aQ terdiam sambil menadah tangan. aQ ingin sangat bertanya "Kenapa aQ?! Kenapa sekarang?! Sekarang bukan masanya!?" Tapi siapa aQ untuk menyalah takdir? aQ ke yang Tuhan, atau Allah yang Tuhan yang Maha menentukan segala-galanya. aQ sedar siapa diriku dan aQ pasrah. Tiba-tiba ada suara seperti pernah aQ dengar "Pasrah untuk orang lemah. Salah kalau kita pasrah, kite kena redha, kita kena ikhlas. Redha denga pasrah lain maksudnya." Tapi kalau aQ terima tapi tak ikhlas macam mana? Tak ikhlas dengan kenyataan! Tak ikhlas dengan perkara yang terjadi! Tak ikhlas untuk melepaskannya pergi! aQ tak ikhlas!
aQ masih menadah tangan tanpa berkata apa-apa, tapi hati aQ dah berkata seribu patah perkataan cuma pada satu bahasa atau dua, tapi tak tahu bahasa yang ketiga. aQ terpinga-pinga kerana tak tahu nak cakap apa, mintak apa, mohon apa dan mengadu apa. Yang aQ tahu, aQ cuma mohon untuk mengampunkan dosaku, Mummy, Daddy dll. Kemudian aQ terdiam sekali lagi, cube memilih kata kata dari hati aQ yang bertimbun dengan perkataan sampai tak tahu mana satu nak guna dan pilih. Lalu aQ pohon petunjuk dan hidayah-Nya kerana aQ sekarang berada dalam keadaan keliru, ketakutan dan kekosongan. aQ takot tanpa bimbingan, aQ akan memilih jalan yang salah yang sebelum ini pernah seketika aQ pilih dan bukan di situ aQ mahu kembali. aQ mahu menjadi anak yang soleh, anak yang segala perbuatan, pergerakkan dan ibadahnya diterima dan boleh disalurkan kepada Mummy. Sekurang-kurangnya walaupon aQ banyak menitiskan air mata Mummy dulu, aQ dapat membuat Mummy tersenyum disana.
Ya Allah, sunyinya aQ tanpa Mummy. Kepada siapa aQ hendak bercerita, kepada siapa aQ nak bermanja dan kepada siapa aQ nak percaya? Kepercayaan aQ, bukan milik kebajikkan, tapi aQ akan pilih kepada siapa aQ akan berikan. Dan proses pemilihan tuh, aQ sendiri tak tahu apa ciri-ciri yang perlu ada untuk mendapatkan kepercayaanku, tapi yang pasti aQ akan pilih. Dalam keluarga, Mummy seorang yang paham dengan perangai aQ, bila aQ nak bermanja atau bermain, bila aQ bad mood dan sabar dengan kedegilan aQ yang amat sangat dan menangkis semua kemarahan aQ. Dia sorang saja yang dapat menilik bila waktu aQ perlukan sesuatu (McD!) ataw lengok aQ yang menunjukkan aQ nakkan sesuatu. Perlu dan nak adalah dua perkara yang cukup berbeza mengikut definisi aQ dan Mummy mengerti. Keperceyaan aQ pada orang luar, adalah seorang tapi seorang itu sudah dimiliki hatinya dan mana mungkin aQ akan mengadu dan bercerita kepada orang hati yang dimiliki walaupon aQ mengenalinya dia terlebih dahulu daripada orang yg telah mengambil hati dia.
Jadi, macam aQ nak ikhlas? Macam mana aQ nak terima? Redha? Teruskan kehidupan? Kuatkan diri? Cakap itu mudah bagi orang yang tak pernah melaluinya. Tapi bagi yang pernah, kata-kata semangat tak akan mudah keluar dari mulut mereka kecuali mereka menemui masa yang sesuai untuk mengucapkannya.
"Ya Allah, ampunkan aQ jika pemikiran aQ kilaf dan hati aQ tersasar menigkut nafsu. Tapi aQ adalah hamba-Mu yang cukup rapuh. Tanpa izin dari- Mu, tanpa panduan dari-Mu aQ seperti debu-debu kotor yang berterbangan. Jadi berikanlah aQ petunjuk Ya Allah, pandulah aQ Ya Allah......."
AMIN~
Bila aQ pandang ke arah kanan, aQ hanya mampu memberi salam. Bila aQ pandang ke kiri, aQ melakukan perkara yang sama. Dan akhirnya aQ menadah tangan dan membaca Al-Fatihah. Di tatkala itu hati aQ jadi sayu, sepi seperti tanpa penghuni. aQ rasa seperti mahu meronta, menjerit, melaung kuat kuat biar semua orang dengar, biar semua orang tahu. Tapi untuk apa? Untuk kepuasan? Untuk kebebasan? Atau untuk menenangkan hati?
Bila aQ membaca ayat terakhir surah Al-Fatihah, aQ terdiam sambil menadah tangan. aQ ingin sangat bertanya "Kenapa aQ?! Kenapa sekarang?! Sekarang bukan masanya!?" Tapi siapa aQ untuk menyalah takdir? aQ ke yang Tuhan, atau Allah yang Tuhan yang Maha menentukan segala-galanya. aQ sedar siapa diriku dan aQ pasrah. Tiba-tiba ada suara seperti pernah aQ dengar "Pasrah untuk orang lemah. Salah kalau kita pasrah, kite kena redha, kita kena ikhlas. Redha denga pasrah lain maksudnya." Tapi kalau aQ terima tapi tak ikhlas macam mana? Tak ikhlas dengan kenyataan! Tak ikhlas dengan perkara yang terjadi! Tak ikhlas untuk melepaskannya pergi! aQ tak ikhlas!
aQ masih menadah tangan tanpa berkata apa-apa, tapi hati aQ dah berkata seribu patah perkataan cuma pada satu bahasa atau dua, tapi tak tahu bahasa yang ketiga. aQ terpinga-pinga kerana tak tahu nak cakap apa, mintak apa, mohon apa dan mengadu apa. Yang aQ tahu, aQ cuma mohon untuk mengampunkan dosaku, Mummy, Daddy dll. Kemudian aQ terdiam sekali lagi, cube memilih kata kata dari hati aQ yang bertimbun dengan perkataan sampai tak tahu mana satu nak guna dan pilih. Lalu aQ pohon petunjuk dan hidayah-Nya kerana aQ sekarang berada dalam keadaan keliru, ketakutan dan kekosongan. aQ takot tanpa bimbingan, aQ akan memilih jalan yang salah yang sebelum ini pernah seketika aQ pilih dan bukan di situ aQ mahu kembali. aQ mahu menjadi anak yang soleh, anak yang segala perbuatan, pergerakkan dan ibadahnya diterima dan boleh disalurkan kepada Mummy. Sekurang-kurangnya walaupon aQ banyak menitiskan air mata Mummy dulu, aQ dapat membuat Mummy tersenyum disana.
Ya Allah, sunyinya aQ tanpa Mummy. Kepada siapa aQ hendak bercerita, kepada siapa aQ nak bermanja dan kepada siapa aQ nak percaya? Kepercayaan aQ, bukan milik kebajikkan, tapi aQ akan pilih kepada siapa aQ akan berikan. Dan proses pemilihan tuh, aQ sendiri tak tahu apa ciri-ciri yang perlu ada untuk mendapatkan kepercayaanku, tapi yang pasti aQ akan pilih. Dalam keluarga, Mummy seorang yang paham dengan perangai aQ, bila aQ nak bermanja atau bermain, bila aQ bad mood dan sabar dengan kedegilan aQ yang amat sangat dan menangkis semua kemarahan aQ. Dia sorang saja yang dapat menilik bila waktu aQ perlukan sesuatu (McD!) ataw lengok aQ yang menunjukkan aQ nakkan sesuatu. Perlu dan nak adalah dua perkara yang cukup berbeza mengikut definisi aQ dan Mummy mengerti. Keperceyaan aQ pada orang luar, adalah seorang tapi seorang itu sudah dimiliki hatinya dan mana mungkin aQ akan mengadu dan bercerita kepada orang hati yang dimiliki walaupon aQ mengenalinya dia terlebih dahulu daripada orang yg telah mengambil hati dia.
Jadi, macam aQ nak ikhlas? Macam mana aQ nak terima? Redha? Teruskan kehidupan? Kuatkan diri? Cakap itu mudah bagi orang yang tak pernah melaluinya. Tapi bagi yang pernah, kata-kata semangat tak akan mudah keluar dari mulut mereka kecuali mereka menemui masa yang sesuai untuk mengucapkannya.
"Ya Allah, ampunkan aQ jika pemikiran aQ kilaf dan hati aQ tersasar menigkut nafsu. Tapi aQ adalah hamba-Mu yang cukup rapuh. Tanpa izin dari- Mu, tanpa panduan dari-Mu aQ seperti debu-debu kotor yang berterbangan. Jadi berikanlah aQ petunjuk Ya Allah, pandulah aQ Ya Allah......."
AMIN~
p/s: As a human. We should know when is the right time to say something or not to say something. Therefore, for this post I need you not to say anything.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Kawin?
Dear diary,
Im back!!! Heheheeh, I visited Mummy yesterday & I do feel like home ♡ I misses Mummy so much, and there are so so so many things I want to tell her. But the only thing that I can do now is pray for her. Tomorrow will be the 4th week since Mummy past awy. Owh ya! I learned how to cook Nasik Arab today with Bik Halimah and Yah Na ;) so skang, aQ dah boleh masak Nasik Arab ngeh! I knw tht Mummy will be proud of me. And I passesd my resit paper, yeeehhooo!
Okie, back to the topic, actually I am quite surprise tht people are surprised when I say that I don't want to get married. Yea, I know that jodoh pertemuan dah ditentukn dan ditetpkn oleh Allah swt, and I know tht perkahwinan diharuskan bg org yg dah mampu. But it just like, hati aQ dah tawar, dah tertutup utk pandang lelaki what more to be in love and get married. Because, how would know or be sure tht the person tht u are with right now is the one for you. How you would know tht the person tht ur married with for 10 or 20 years won't be getting divorce the next day. I know memang laa perkara tuh kite nak elak, but we will nevr know ketentuan Allah Swt kan, rahsie Allah? The truth is jodoh pertemuan is Allah secrets, therefore we will never know, we will never be sure. And plus we will never know tht the person tht we tried to avoid all this while is the person tht will be with us one day, and the person tht we love with all our heart will be the one tht going to leave us one day or getting married with someone else.The motif of this blog is actually not to say no to marriege. But from what Ive been through, all that phoney relationships makes me more scared to try, plus now with Mummy is gone it is much more harder for me to believe in someone and trust me if Allah tetapkan aQ berkahwin walau bagaimanapon cara sekalipon, even my ags is already 40, then what to do?
Saturday, September 8, 2012
open house at kak Nani...
Dear diary,
last night its not an open house really, it's just us family and cousins gathering around with family. Then after the Maghrib prayer we did bacaan Yassin for MummThen Of coz lah we eat Kak Nani's delicacies...Yummy!
Actually what touches me the most is not Kak Nani's cooking or what, but what touches me the most is to see all my brothers and sisters are all in one place together. For all this while it's been Mummy's dream to see all of her 6 childrens gather in 1 place. And yesterday was a reality. There is one time actually happen before. It's the time when Nazrul do his house warming. Mummy "I am so happy to see all my children are here and plus they are praying for me..." and yes Mummy are indeed very happy to that moment andvI can still hear Mummy's saying while I'm typing this using my tablet ;p (Safa dah maju siut!!) Ok back to the the story, I think that was the one time after so many years of not to say perpisahan but everyone is havingvtheir own saperate path of life. But atvleast, Mummy had her chance (her last chance) to see all her children reunite. Mummy dah lama berdoa dan mintak pada Allah agar anak anak dia bersatu, Mummy selalu berpesan kat aQ yang "Tak elok bergaduh adik beradik, nanti rezeki kamu kena potong. Mummy dgn adik beradik aQ sumenye baik baik saja. Kami tak ada masalah pon bile bergaul, bergaduh pon tak pernah, selalu bertolak ansur. Itu yang bapak aQ ajar kami waktu kami kecik kecik dulu, bertolak ansur, kalau ikutkan tak suka, diamkan saja.."
I think these is how Allah berikan kenikmatan dia. He won't give something that we want, but He will grant it when we need it. Sekurang kurangnya, walaupon Mummy dah tak ada nak melihat apa yang dia doakan menjadi kenyataan at least she will be much more peacefull because she get what she always wanted.
P/s: jakun jugak pakai bende alah nih. But I'll get use to it :D
last night its not an open house really, it's just us family and cousins gathering around with family. Then after the Maghrib prayer we did bacaan Yassin for MummThen Of coz lah we eat Kak Nani's delicacies...Yummy!
Actually what touches me the most is not Kak Nani's cooking or what, but what touches me the most is to see all my brothers and sisters are all in one place together. For all this while it's been Mummy's dream to see all of her 6 childrens gather in 1 place. And yesterday was a reality. There is one time actually happen before. It's the time when Nazrul do his house warming. Mummy "I am so happy to see all my children are here and plus they are praying for me..." and yes Mummy are indeed very happy to that moment andvI can still hear Mummy's saying while I'm typing this using my tablet ;p (Safa dah maju siut!!) Ok back to the the story, I think that was the one time after so many years of not to say perpisahan but everyone is havingvtheir own saperate path of life. But atvleast, Mummy had her chance (her last chance) to see all her children reunite. Mummy dah lama berdoa dan mintak pada Allah agar anak anak dia bersatu, Mummy selalu berpesan kat aQ yang "Tak elok bergaduh adik beradik, nanti rezeki kamu kena potong. Mummy dgn adik beradik aQ sumenye baik baik saja. Kami tak ada masalah pon bile bergaul, bergaduh pon tak pernah, selalu bertolak ansur. Itu yang bapak aQ ajar kami waktu kami kecik kecik dulu, bertolak ansur, kalau ikutkan tak suka, diamkan saja.."
I think these is how Allah berikan kenikmatan dia. He won't give something that we want, but He will grant it when we need it. Sekurang kurangnya, walaupon Mummy dah tak ada nak melihat apa yang dia doakan menjadi kenyataan at least she will be much more peacefull because she get what she always wanted.
P/s: jakun jugak pakai bende alah nih. But I'll get use to it :D
Saturday, September 1, 2012
MUMMY.
Dear Diary,
Sudah dah nak masuk 2 minggu Mummy pergi. Mummy pergi pada 20 August 2012 bersamaan dengan 2 Syawal. Mummy had been representing many roles in all the people that she knew and met. A mother, a wife, a true friend, a businesswomen, a teacher, a student, a daughter, a sister, a grandmother, an aunt and a soul mate. Mummy has touches so many lives with her wisdom, dedications, strengths and her love. And her advises, for those who know her, mesti ada nasihat yang Mummy pernah berikan kepada semua. Nasihat kepada anak- anaknya, especially aQ sendiri terlalu tinggi nilainya. Even though sebelum nih aQ tak pernah nak ambil serious semua ajaran, teguran dan nasihat Mummy, tapi sekarang nih kalau dikenangkan balik baru aQ sedar yang apa Mummy cakap ada practical nye. All the things she told me, she had been through before, the challenges and how did she manage to overcome all the challenges it's all priceless. Cerita cerita dia time dia muda muda dulu, semuanya terngiang di telinga aQ. Tapi kan yg peliknya, semua cerita cerita yang dia ceritakan masa zaman Mummy muda muda dulu semuanya yang indah indah dan baik baik. Bila dia cerita pasal orang, kawan kawan, dan sedara mara, semuanya yang baik baik belaka. Pesan Mummy bile berkawan "Berkawan nih, kena jaga hati kawan. Kita kena baik, tak boleh buat jahat. Kalau ada pon orang buat jahat pada kita, kita kena maafkan dan jangan sesekali nak berbalas atau berdendam, kita kena sentiasa berbuat baik." Agaknya memang ini policy yang Mummy pakai selama nih. Just look at her friends yang Mummy ada. Hampir semua yang kenal Mummy sedih dengan pemergiaan Mummy, almost all her friends yang ada tak kira jauh mana derang tinggal dan duduk sanggup turun ke Sungkai untuk menziarah Mummy buat kali terakhir. Yang paling terharu, bila Ustaz yang mengajar keluarga kami selama nih, sanggup dtg ke Sungkai untuk ziarah kubur Mummy sebelum dia pulang ke Kelantan. Mummy always said that "Kebaikkan akan sentiasa dibalas dengan kebaikkan. Tapi dalam bentuk apa kebaikkan itu akan dibalas dan berapa lama untuk dibalas, itu semua atas kehendak Allah SWT. Jadi walau apa pon Allah SWT berikan kepada kita, kita kena redha."
aQ rasa bertuah sebab dapat jadi anak Mummy, I won't trade her even with the Queen to take Mummy's palce to be my mother. Walaupon aQ laa rasenye anak yang paling teramat degil dan suke sangat melawan (tak percaya? sila rujuk kepada semualah! ;p ), tapi aQ bertuah sebab sampai ke nafas terakhir aQ lah yang dapat bersama Mummy. Cara Mummy tunjukkan kasih sayang dia pada aQ agak lain mungkin kalau dibandingkan dengan ibu ibu laen. Mungkin ibu ibu laen akan manjakan anak anak mereka dan hindar mereka dari membuat kesilapan. Tapi Mummy laen, Mummy akan biarkan aQ membuatkan kesilapan sendiri, mahupon kecik ataw besar dan bila aQ dah terjatuh baru Mummy akan tangkap aQ dari terus terjerumus dan ajar apa yang sepatutnya aQ buat. Memanglah pada mula nya aQ akan mengamuk tapi bila lepas mengamuk dan dengar balik apa yang Mummy cakap baru aQ paham. Malam sebelum Mummy jatuh dari katil, Mummy ada bagi duit raya untuk aQ. Duit tuh sebenarnya Mimi bagi kat Mummy, but Mummy suruh Daddy bagi duit tuh pada aQ. aQ dapat duit, sukelaa kan! Tapi ape yang aQ akan ingat sampai bile bile is the last look that she gave to me. Pandangan Mummy, mata Mummy and senyum sinis Mummy aQ dapat rasekan yg Mummy nak cakap "This is the last money that I can give you" tapi Mummy tak cakap ape ape sbb dia tahu, setiap kali Mummy cakap pasal mati aQ akan marah dan pada masa yang sama jugak aQ tak sanggup pandang mata Mummy lama lama sebab hati aQ sendiri naik sebak. Dan malam tuh jugak, sempat laa jugak 'gaduh' dengan Mummy, sebab masa aQ terjaga dari tidur aQ nampak Mummy duduk di tepi katil dia dan macam tgh push diri untuk bangun. Tapi Mummy kate tak ade ape ape bile ditanye nak buat ape, dan bila aQ tanya Mummy nak baring balik ke, Mummy tak nak kena tolong dan suruh aQ sambung tidur balik. Mummy biaselaa dia, dah rase larat siket, sume bende dia nak buat sendiri. Itu satunye satunye benda yang aQ dapat belajar dari Mummy, kuat semangat. Mummy pernah cakap "Kalau kita mampu buat sendiri, jangan mengharapkan orang lain. Kita buat sendiri, kita usaha sendiri, kita niat, kita nekad, itu yang kita nak buat kita pastikan itu yang kita akan buat. Focus! Jangan biarkan bende bende lain mengalihkan perhatian kita."
Mummy memang suka sangat senyum. Bila dia marah pon dia senyum, menangis tuh jarang sekali nampak tapi walaupon dia tengah sedih dan sakit, dia tetap akan senyum. Senyuman Mummy it's her real beauty, dah laa gigi Mummy putih and naturally straight so it's somehow her smile is perfect :D . Sampai ke saat akhir, hingga ke liang lahad Mummy berikan senyumannya. Itu laa salah satu perkara yang tak dapat aQ lupakan. Walaupon aQ takde laa plak tangkap gambar kan time tuh (time tuh pon tk ingat yang phone aQ ada function camera agaknya) tapi wajah Mummy tersenyum bila saat aQ bukak kain yang menutup wajah Mummy kat dalam bilik mandian jenazah memang indah sgt sgt. Seolah olah senyuman itu, aQ lah orang pertama dan ditujukan kepada aQ. Mummy pernah cakap "Senyum tuh sedekah." Tapi pada saat itu aQ tahu yang Mummy berada di tempat yang lebih baik, di tempat yang Mummy memang idam idamkan selama ini. Insya Allah, mungkin satu hari nanti aQ akan dapat melihat kembali senyuman Mummy :)
Mummy, Insya Allah Safa akan ingat pesanan, tunjuk ajar Mummy, nasihat dan ciri ciri pilihan lelaki Mummy (Big Mac!) ;p Walaupon Mummy dah tak ada but somehow or rather I just know you are here right beside me and sometimes I could feel as if I am holding your hand. Walaupon kita banyak bergaduh, tapi banyak jugak kata kata nasihat yang keluar dari mulut Mummy, kata kata yang kelakar pown ada :D Mummy selalu cakap "Burit ko nih!" dan "Maafkanlah, orang yang pernah buat salah pada kita dan jangan berdendam. Nanti dendam tuh akan menyusahkan kita." "Kadang kadang orang tuh tak seda yang dia buat salah, maafkan je lah. Besar manafaatnye." "Jangan tinggalkan solat, mengaji, itu jhe panduan yang kita boleh pegang. Jangan buat dosa dosa besar, balasannye CASH!" "Tuh banyak buku buku agama yang aQ beli dan tinggalkan untuk semua anak anak aQ. Baca. Amalan amalan yang Mummy selalu amalkan, semuanya ada Mummy catit dan failkan, apa yang Ustaz Ismail bagi sumanye ada, itu jhe yang Mummy tinggalkan untuk kamu, anak anak aQ." "aQ sayangkan semua anak anak aQ, aQ sayangkan semua cucu cucu aQ dan aQ sayang semua kakak kakak dan abang aQ. Anak anak sedara, cucu cucu sedara, sepupu sepupu aQ sume aQ anggap macam anak anak, cucu cucu dan adik beradik aQ sendiri." "Bercakap tuh kena berfikir dulu. Jangan pakai melulu jhe. Kalau ikutkan tak suke ape orang lain cakap tuh, diamkan aje. Tak de kite kalah kalau kite mangalah." "Do what you want to do, no matter what other may think or talk about you. Whatever they say, if you think what your doing is right then go ahead. Tengok macam mana Mummy pertahankan kilang, mesin quilting tuh, ada orang tak suke, ada orang kata membazir, ada orang kutuk, tapi aQ tak pernah heran pown dengan kata kata itu semua, aQ buat ape aQ nak buat dan sekarang tengok, tak ade sape boleh kate ape ape lagi, semua nih aQ buat ikhlas aQ nak tolong keluarga aQ dan ikhlas kerana Allah SWT. Segala apa kita buat, kalau ikhlas kerana Allah SWT, Insya Allah bende tuh akan menjadi. Tapi jangan sesekali kamu buat dosa dosa besar!"
Sudah dah nak masuk 2 minggu Mummy pergi. Mummy pergi pada 20 August 2012 bersamaan dengan 2 Syawal. Mummy had been representing many roles in all the people that she knew and met. A mother, a wife, a true friend, a businesswomen, a teacher, a student, a daughter, a sister, a grandmother, an aunt and a soul mate. Mummy has touches so many lives with her wisdom, dedications, strengths and her love. And her advises, for those who know her, mesti ada nasihat yang Mummy pernah berikan kepada semua. Nasihat kepada anak- anaknya, especially aQ sendiri terlalu tinggi nilainya. Even though sebelum nih aQ tak pernah nak ambil serious semua ajaran, teguran dan nasihat Mummy, tapi sekarang nih kalau dikenangkan balik baru aQ sedar yang apa Mummy cakap ada practical nye. All the things she told me, she had been through before, the challenges and how did she manage to overcome all the challenges it's all priceless. Cerita cerita dia time dia muda muda dulu, semuanya terngiang di telinga aQ. Tapi kan yg peliknya, semua cerita cerita yang dia ceritakan masa zaman Mummy muda muda dulu semuanya yang indah indah dan baik baik. Bila dia cerita pasal orang, kawan kawan, dan sedara mara, semuanya yang baik baik belaka. Pesan Mummy bile berkawan "Berkawan nih, kena jaga hati kawan. Kita kena baik, tak boleh buat jahat. Kalau ada pon orang buat jahat pada kita, kita kena maafkan dan jangan sesekali nak berbalas atau berdendam, kita kena sentiasa berbuat baik." Agaknya memang ini policy yang Mummy pakai selama nih. Just look at her friends yang Mummy ada. Hampir semua yang kenal Mummy sedih dengan pemergiaan Mummy, almost all her friends yang ada tak kira jauh mana derang tinggal dan duduk sanggup turun ke Sungkai untuk menziarah Mummy buat kali terakhir. Yang paling terharu, bila Ustaz yang mengajar keluarga kami selama nih, sanggup dtg ke Sungkai untuk ziarah kubur Mummy sebelum dia pulang ke Kelantan. Mummy always said that "Kebaikkan akan sentiasa dibalas dengan kebaikkan. Tapi dalam bentuk apa kebaikkan itu akan dibalas dan berapa lama untuk dibalas, itu semua atas kehendak Allah SWT. Jadi walau apa pon Allah SWT berikan kepada kita, kita kena redha."
aQ rasa bertuah sebab dapat jadi anak Mummy, I won't trade her even with the Queen to take Mummy's palce to be my mother. Walaupon aQ laa rasenye anak yang paling teramat degil dan suke sangat melawan (tak percaya? sila rujuk kepada semualah! ;p ), tapi aQ bertuah sebab sampai ke nafas terakhir aQ lah yang dapat bersama Mummy. Cara Mummy tunjukkan kasih sayang dia pada aQ agak lain mungkin kalau dibandingkan dengan ibu ibu laen. Mungkin ibu ibu laen akan manjakan anak anak mereka dan hindar mereka dari membuat kesilapan. Tapi Mummy laen, Mummy akan biarkan aQ membuatkan kesilapan sendiri, mahupon kecik ataw besar dan bila aQ dah terjatuh baru Mummy akan tangkap aQ dari terus terjerumus dan ajar apa yang sepatutnya aQ buat. Memanglah pada mula nya aQ akan mengamuk tapi bila lepas mengamuk dan dengar balik apa yang Mummy cakap baru aQ paham. Malam sebelum Mummy jatuh dari katil, Mummy ada bagi duit raya untuk aQ. Duit tuh sebenarnya Mimi bagi kat Mummy, but Mummy suruh Daddy bagi duit tuh pada aQ. aQ dapat duit, sukelaa kan! Tapi ape yang aQ akan ingat sampai bile bile is the last look that she gave to me. Pandangan Mummy, mata Mummy and senyum sinis Mummy aQ dapat rasekan yg Mummy nak cakap "This is the last money that I can give you" tapi Mummy tak cakap ape ape sbb dia tahu, setiap kali Mummy cakap pasal mati aQ akan marah dan pada masa yang sama jugak aQ tak sanggup pandang mata Mummy lama lama sebab hati aQ sendiri naik sebak. Dan malam tuh jugak, sempat laa jugak 'gaduh' dengan Mummy, sebab masa aQ terjaga dari tidur aQ nampak Mummy duduk di tepi katil dia dan macam tgh push diri untuk bangun. Tapi Mummy kate tak ade ape ape bile ditanye nak buat ape, dan bila aQ tanya Mummy nak baring balik ke, Mummy tak nak kena tolong dan suruh aQ sambung tidur balik. Mummy biaselaa dia, dah rase larat siket, sume bende dia nak buat sendiri. Itu satunye satunye benda yang aQ dapat belajar dari Mummy, kuat semangat. Mummy pernah cakap "Kalau kita mampu buat sendiri, jangan mengharapkan orang lain. Kita buat sendiri, kita usaha sendiri, kita niat, kita nekad, itu yang kita nak buat kita pastikan itu yang kita akan buat. Focus! Jangan biarkan bende bende lain mengalihkan perhatian kita."
Mummy memang suka sangat senyum. Bila dia marah pon dia senyum, menangis tuh jarang sekali nampak tapi walaupon dia tengah sedih dan sakit, dia tetap akan senyum. Senyuman Mummy it's her real beauty, dah laa gigi Mummy putih and naturally straight so it's somehow her smile is perfect :D . Sampai ke saat akhir, hingga ke liang lahad Mummy berikan senyumannya. Itu laa salah satu perkara yang tak dapat aQ lupakan. Walaupon aQ takde laa plak tangkap gambar kan time tuh (time tuh pon tk ingat yang phone aQ ada function camera agaknya) tapi wajah Mummy tersenyum bila saat aQ bukak kain yang menutup wajah Mummy kat dalam bilik mandian jenazah memang indah sgt sgt. Seolah olah senyuman itu, aQ lah orang pertama dan ditujukan kepada aQ. Mummy pernah cakap "Senyum tuh sedekah." Tapi pada saat itu aQ tahu yang Mummy berada di tempat yang lebih baik, di tempat yang Mummy memang idam idamkan selama ini. Insya Allah, mungkin satu hari nanti aQ akan dapat melihat kembali senyuman Mummy :)
Mummy, Insya Allah Safa akan ingat pesanan, tunjuk ajar Mummy, nasihat dan ciri ciri pilihan lelaki Mummy (Big Mac!) ;p Walaupon Mummy dah tak ada but somehow or rather I just know you are here right beside me and sometimes I could feel as if I am holding your hand. Walaupon kita banyak bergaduh, tapi banyak jugak kata kata nasihat yang keluar dari mulut Mummy, kata kata yang kelakar pown ada :D Mummy selalu cakap "Burit ko nih!" dan "Maafkanlah, orang yang pernah buat salah pada kita dan jangan berdendam. Nanti dendam tuh akan menyusahkan kita." "Kadang kadang orang tuh tak seda yang dia buat salah, maafkan je lah. Besar manafaatnye." "Jangan tinggalkan solat, mengaji, itu jhe panduan yang kita boleh pegang. Jangan buat dosa dosa besar, balasannye CASH!" "Tuh banyak buku buku agama yang aQ beli dan tinggalkan untuk semua anak anak aQ. Baca. Amalan amalan yang Mummy selalu amalkan, semuanya ada Mummy catit dan failkan, apa yang Ustaz Ismail bagi sumanye ada, itu jhe yang Mummy tinggalkan untuk kamu, anak anak aQ." "aQ sayangkan semua anak anak aQ, aQ sayangkan semua cucu cucu aQ dan aQ sayang semua kakak kakak dan abang aQ. Anak anak sedara, cucu cucu sedara, sepupu sepupu aQ sume aQ anggap macam anak anak, cucu cucu dan adik beradik aQ sendiri." "Bercakap tuh kena berfikir dulu. Jangan pakai melulu jhe. Kalau ikutkan tak suke ape orang lain cakap tuh, diamkan aje. Tak de kite kalah kalau kite mangalah." "Do what you want to do, no matter what other may think or talk about you. Whatever they say, if you think what your doing is right then go ahead. Tengok macam mana Mummy pertahankan kilang, mesin quilting tuh, ada orang tak suke, ada orang kata membazir, ada orang kutuk, tapi aQ tak pernah heran pown dengan kata kata itu semua, aQ buat ape aQ nak buat dan sekarang tengok, tak ade sape boleh kate ape ape lagi, semua nih aQ buat ikhlas aQ nak tolong keluarga aQ dan ikhlas kerana Allah SWT. Segala apa kita buat, kalau ikhlas kerana Allah SWT, Insya Allah bende tuh akan menjadi. Tapi jangan sesekali kamu buat dosa dosa besar!"
Sunday, August 12, 2012
S.O.S
Dear Diary,
How am I suppose to content this feelings? It's a weird plus rough ride mixed with pleasure kind of feelings. I really need someone that I really can rely on and I can trust so that I know I have someone that I can hold whenever I'm slipping down. I am doing well physically but I am no more strong emotionally. If something big happen suddenly, I think I'll break down easily. Is not easy to see someone that u relied and depended for whole of your life to be in a state that is so fragile and vulnerable. Even though as usual people will say life must go on but you will never understand what am I going through until you are in it. It is not tiring of taking care a sick person but it is tiring within and emotionally. Sometimes I do want to just scream and throw a rage to everyone like I use too. But I need to very hard very very hard to compose every single bit of my emotion and thoughts.
A question: Have you ever been in the toilet and turn on the water tap and shower tap on so loudly as if your having the best shower in your life but yet you just sit on the toilet sit and cry?
How am I suppose to content this feelings? It's a weird plus rough ride mixed with pleasure kind of feelings. I really need someone that I really can rely on and I can trust so that I know I have someone that I can hold whenever I'm slipping down. I am doing well physically but I am no more strong emotionally. If something big happen suddenly, I think I'll break down easily. Is not easy to see someone that u relied and depended for whole of your life to be in a state that is so fragile and vulnerable. Even though as usual people will say life must go on but you will never understand what am I going through until you are in it. It is not tiring of taking care a sick person but it is tiring within and emotionally. Sometimes I do want to just scream and throw a rage to everyone like I use too. But I need to very hard very very hard to compose every single bit of my emotion and thoughts.
A question: Have you ever been in the toilet and turn on the water tap and shower tap on so loudly as if your having the best shower in your life but yet you just sit on the toilet sit and cry?
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Guy Talk!
Dear Diary,
Last night I asked Mummy "Ma, do you think I will ever get married?" and Mummy answered "Hish! Why are you thinking of getting married? Awak ada banyak lagi benda yang awak nak buat." And I said "Takde laaa, it's just a question do you think I will ever get married tuh jhe" and Mummy said "Ntahlaaa, aQ tak tahu nak jawab soalan itu."
Before I continue, let me introduce the nicknames of the guys that me and Mummy talked last night:
1. He is charming, kind but Duween said "Mata dia juling" haha & likes to eat Double Cheeseburger. So lets call him Double Cheeseburger.
2. He is an really really old friend of mine, known him since high school & dulu sampai sekarang same jhe rupe dia. He is Big Mac.
3. He is also an old friend and know him since high school but to compare him before and now he is much more primp and handsome then before. So lets call him French Fries (there is another factor why i call him that, figure it out ;p ).
4. Another guy, I know him since college. Since he is the latest that I know so I called him Chicken Foldover.
Wondering why I'm giving the guys McD nicknames? Been doing that high school, so I also don't know why.
So after, asking Mummy the question above, Mummy did say one thing "Asalkan kamu tak kahwin dengan laki orang sudah. Itu aQ tak bagi." Then I answered her back, what type of men do you want me to get married with? Mummy's 1st criteria is not someone else husband, although he is divorcee but CANNOT! Second, look at his family, pick someone that is from educated background, not meaning his family must have a PHD from oversea or what so ever. But pick someone that the family is well educated, well to do (they doesn't have to be a duke or rich) and open minded. And finally, he himself has to be well educated and can managed himself. Not someone that only talks, but do nothing (I can't give any specific example here ;p).
So, I asked for some examples from my friends. My mom knows all my friends, guys or girls she knows all. If she doesn't know, she will never let me go out with my friends. So among all the guy-friends that Mummy knows, I picked the top 4 that I think that quite suit the criteria. And by the way, I don't really have so many guy-friends that really stick as a friend. So I said "Macam Double Cheeseburger?" Then Mummy answered "I don't really think he is a good choice" then I asked "Why?" then she said "Just look at him, you can never stand with a guy like him anyway. And look at his friends, especially his girl-friends, all is the rugged, outgoing and go-out-at-4-in-the-morning type and from well-to-do-family, he will only choose a girl that is from 'rich' background and anyway he himself does not convey himself as a confident stand-own-his-feet guy. Can you stand with him if you had a husband like that? And do you think he will lay-off his friends after he get married?" OK! I couldn't answer Mummy's questions or more to say like an 'attack' haahah! So I said "Ok then, forget bout getting someone like Double Cheeseburger, how about Big Mac?" And Mummy answered "He is well-stable-kind-of-guy. I don't think his the type of a party guy, well he socialized but he knows his limit and he is a smart guy too. Bukan nak tengok handsome jhe, perangai pown kena tengok jugak." Aik Mummy dah macam perli nih ;p "Owh ok, so I need to find someone like Big Mac, check!"
Then I asked about French Fries. "He is ok too. Family-wise and his own life is ok. But he does look a bit immature." Hahaah! I have to second that! ;p For French Fries is half-half check! And last but not least, Chicken Foldover, "I don't know much about him." OooO-Oh so Chicken Foldover is very 'NEW' indeed ;p. But Mummy did say in the end "It doesn't mean that you have to end up with your own circle of friends. You may end up with someone that is very new and you just know. But pick the guys wisely. Don't pick someone that doesn't fit yourself nor the family. Pick someone that is the same level as you are and see his background and family as well" End of conclusion. So! Big Mac-kindda-similar-guy WHERE ARE YOU? ;p.
Sebelum terbentuknya penilaian daripada readers. My Mom is not that kind of picky-person. She is very open-minded person and cool person when you get to know her. To be honest, most of my friends like my Mom very much. She is not the type that Mak Bedah gossip kat Mak Minah kindda type. She is very outgoing. She don't mind with who I'm being friends with, but when talking about getting married, well she knows me more then I do, so she knows my characteristics and attitude well enough so she knows or see something that I don't know or see. So Mummy bukan memilih suruh end-up dengan anak raja or what. If end-up dengan anak raja pown, but perangai macam anak setan, Mummy still reject ;p . And for me to be talking about this with Mummy is kind of FUN :D It's surprising what Mummy really sees in my friends that I sendiri terlepas pandang or memang tak nampak. A mother will always be a mother, she just want the best of the best for her children. And as for me, bukannye aQ nak kawin sangat pown. Just tengok Mummy's current condition right now, if I don't have this conversation last nigh I'm scared that I never will.
Last night I asked Mummy "Ma, do you think I will ever get married?" and Mummy answered "Hish! Why are you thinking of getting married? Awak ada banyak lagi benda yang awak nak buat." And I said "Takde laaa, it's just a question do you think I will ever get married tuh jhe" and Mummy said "Ntahlaaa, aQ tak tahu nak jawab soalan itu."
Before I continue, let me introduce the nicknames of the guys that me and Mummy talked last night:
1. He is charming, kind but Duween said "Mata dia juling" haha & likes to eat Double Cheeseburger. So lets call him Double Cheeseburger.
2. He is an really really old friend of mine, known him since high school & dulu sampai sekarang same jhe rupe dia. He is Big Mac.
3. He is also an old friend and know him since high school but to compare him before and now he is much more primp and handsome then before. So lets call him French Fries (there is another factor why i call him that, figure it out ;p ).
4. Another guy, I know him since college. Since he is the latest that I know so I called him Chicken Foldover.
Wondering why I'm giving the guys McD nicknames? Been doing that high school, so I also don't know why.
So after, asking Mummy the question above, Mummy did say one thing "Asalkan kamu tak kahwin dengan laki orang sudah. Itu aQ tak bagi." Then I answered her back, what type of men do you want me to get married with? Mummy's 1st criteria is not someone else husband, although he is divorcee but CANNOT! Second, look at his family, pick someone that is from educated background, not meaning his family must have a PHD from oversea or what so ever. But pick someone that the family is well educated, well to do (they doesn't have to be a duke or rich) and open minded. And finally, he himself has to be well educated and can managed himself. Not someone that only talks, but do nothing (I can't give any specific example here ;p).
So, I asked for some examples from my friends. My mom knows all my friends, guys or girls she knows all. If she doesn't know, she will never let me go out with my friends. So among all the guy-friends that Mummy knows, I picked the top 4 that I think that quite suit the criteria. And by the way, I don't really have so many guy-friends that really stick as a friend. So I said "Macam Double Cheeseburger?" Then Mummy answered "I don't really think he is a good choice" then I asked "Why?" then she said "Just look at him, you can never stand with a guy like him anyway. And look at his friends, especially his girl-friends, all is the rugged, outgoing and go-out-at-4-in-the-morning type and from well-to-do-family, he will only choose a girl that is from 'rich' background and anyway he himself does not convey himself as a confident stand-own-his-feet guy. Can you stand with him if you had a husband like that? And do you think he will lay-off his friends after he get married?" OK! I couldn't answer Mummy's questions or more to say like an 'attack' haahah! So I said "Ok then, forget bout getting someone like Double Cheeseburger, how about Big Mac?" And Mummy answered "He is well-stable-kind-of-guy. I don't think his the type of a party guy, well he socialized but he knows his limit and he is a smart guy too. Bukan nak tengok handsome jhe, perangai pown kena tengok jugak." Aik Mummy dah macam perli nih ;p "Owh ok, so I need to find someone like Big Mac, check!"
Then I asked about French Fries. "He is ok too. Family-wise and his own life is ok. But he does look a bit immature." Hahaah! I have to second that! ;p For French Fries is half-half check! And last but not least, Chicken Foldover, "I don't know much about him." OooO-Oh so Chicken Foldover is very 'NEW' indeed ;p. But Mummy did say in the end "It doesn't mean that you have to end up with your own circle of friends. You may end up with someone that is very new and you just know. But pick the guys wisely. Don't pick someone that doesn't fit yourself nor the family. Pick someone that is the same level as you are and see his background and family as well" End of conclusion. So! Big Mac-kindda-similar-guy WHERE ARE YOU? ;p.
Sebelum terbentuknya penilaian daripada readers. My Mom is not that kind of picky-person. She is very open-minded person and cool person when you get to know her. To be honest, most of my friends like my Mom very much. She is not the type that Mak Bedah gossip kat Mak Minah kindda type. She is very outgoing. She don't mind with who I'm being friends with, but when talking about getting married, well she knows me more then I do, so she knows my characteristics and attitude well enough so she knows or see something that I don't know or see. So Mummy bukan memilih suruh end-up dengan anak raja or what. If end-up dengan anak raja pown, but perangai macam anak setan, Mummy still reject ;p . And for me to be talking about this with Mummy is kind of FUN :D It's surprising what Mummy really sees in my friends that I sendiri terlepas pandang or memang tak nampak. A mother will always be a mother, she just want the best of the best for her children. And as for me, bukannye aQ nak kawin sangat pown. Just tengok Mummy's current condition right now, if I don't have this conversation last nigh I'm scared that I never will.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Blogsode (2)
Dear Diary,
Damn it! I let time get control over me once again! Thank you time, thank you very much! argghhh! It's so frustrating when I have so many things to do in so little time. I thought I only faced it when it comes to studying, but it also mangle with my own personal, activities, life! Ugh! I just hate it when it all went......I don't know where it went coz I already lose control of it! AAaaaAAaaaAAAAAaaa!
Skate Asia is coming up, 2nd August and my event is Saturday & Sunday! And Skate Asia it's not like Skate Malaysia where I still can take up the Student Practice Credit to practice a day before competition, the rink will be closed starting Monday. And I'm still struggling with the routine and I thought I can practice it tomorrow (Friday) morning, last practice. But NO! My practical confirmation have to come NOW! Plus Daddy is coming down to Subang to do some arrant and he will also going to pick me up to Bangi. And (how many 'and' laa!) I have to take a confirmation letter from Ms Merry tomorrow, before I report myself on Monday. Ouh! Before that, my internship will be at Holiday Villa Subang, thank you. And I just knew it before buka puasa just now. Haish! Now the only choice is, if I still want to go to practice I need to ask Joji to drop me at the rink early in the morning (Subuh) sebab sehaluan for him to go to work. Then 8.30am I have to rush to college to collect the letter. My Goodness! My life is damn good!
I know I'm supposed to take this skating thingy for fun. But I just couldn't or can't let my partner down. Ok, I'm still at the beginners level (me & Clare) but Clare is looking forward to this competition, if you just see her eyes and excitement, I just can't let her down. I have to do my best, to make the routine perfect, do it for Clare & for me of course and not forgetting for Coach BL. Because me and Clare are partners, so therefore I must make sure my movement is on my blade not butt (if u get what I mean).
I know Skate Asia will be exciting! I just can feel it :D But just the timing for me to prepare myself is the problem. Haiyaaa! Why laa like this! :(
Damn it! I let time get control over me once again! Thank you time, thank you very much! argghhh! It's so frustrating when I have so many things to do in so little time. I thought I only faced it when it comes to studying, but it also mangle with my own personal, activities, life! Ugh! I just hate it when it all went......I don't know where it went coz I already lose control of it! AAaaaAAaaaAAAAAaaa!
Skate Asia is coming up, 2nd August and my event is Saturday & Sunday! And Skate Asia it's not like Skate Malaysia where I still can take up the Student Practice Credit to practice a day before competition, the rink will be closed starting Monday. And I'm still struggling with the routine and I thought I can practice it tomorrow (Friday) morning, last practice. But NO! My practical confirmation have to come NOW! Plus Daddy is coming down to Subang to do some arrant and he will also going to pick me up to Bangi. And (how many 'and' laa!) I have to take a confirmation letter from Ms Merry tomorrow, before I report myself on Monday. Ouh! Before that, my internship will be at Holiday Villa Subang, thank you. And I just knew it before buka puasa just now. Haish! Now the only choice is, if I still want to go to practice I need to ask Joji to drop me at the rink early in the morning (Subuh) sebab sehaluan for him to go to work. Then 8.30am I have to rush to college to collect the letter. My Goodness! My life is damn good!
I know I'm supposed to take this skating thingy for fun. But I just couldn't or can't let my partner down. Ok, I'm still at the beginners level (me & Clare) but Clare is looking forward to this competition, if you just see her eyes and excitement, I just can't let her down. I have to do my best, to make the routine perfect, do it for Clare & for me of course and not forgetting for Coach BL. Because me and Clare are partners, so therefore I must make sure my movement is on my blade not butt (if u get what I mean).
I know Skate Asia will be exciting! I just can feel it :D But just the timing for me to prepare myself is the problem. Haiyaaa! Why laa like this! :(
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Exam O-V-E-R
Dear Diary,
EXAM IS OVER!!!! WOOOTTTT!! But I'm a bit scared hows da result going to be like. WAHTEVER laaa dont want to think, now is the time for me to focus on my Skate Asia 2012, that is on 2-9 of August and my both event falls on the 4th of August :))) so need to practice on my backward wiggle & be accurate on the melody of the song!
Back to the story, after the final paper last Friday, we (the whole class, except Li Lu) went to Itallianies to celebrate our success-NESS of the Garden Of Light event. Supposedly, Mr D is joining but he had a meeting, so he couldn't join. So sad! So we went to Itallianies and sat and ordered laaa. There are 2 menus, one is the value lunch menu and one is ala carte menu. And as usual I will look for Lasagna...beef. So there is 2 lasagna, one is in the value lunch meal which it only cost RM20 including the drink and appetizer, and one is in the ala carte which is RM34 sumting laaa. So, I asked the cute waiter (damn! the waiters there are super handsome! SWEET!!) is the portion for lasagna ala carte and value meal is different, he said yes. because the ala carte one is made for sharing 2 person, and the ala carte is for 1 person portion laa. So, since we can spend like RM32 (money from the event) each, so I decided to go for ala carter one, is worth of the money and is just 2 person size portion, so whats the harm kan! And I ordered drinks too, non-alcoholic of course, but Nic and Marcella ordered beer..and boy! they are drunk, especially Nic..superb!
So few minutes later my food came, the lasagna that is suppose to be for 2 person came, and the lasagna is HUGE!!!! and CHEESY and YUMMY! Is super super humongous, that it is not for 2 but it is for 4 person sharing!!!! MUAHAHAHAAHA! So for me to be kind (as if!) ;p , I offered other people to taste (because once i start eating, dont bother me!) so some of them did take some and in my mind ok good less food to finish, and then I start eating. The first 10 scoop of lasagna to my mouth is wonderful and delicious, but when it comes to the 11th scoop, my dear Allah, I just want to puke (muak). But I dont want to throw out RM34 plus plus away, so I decided to eat it slowly, so I took my generous and ample time to eat it and seriously I MANAGE TO FINISH IT ALL! victory! And other type of food like the cake (we celebrated Felyn, Queeny and Han Ying birthday) I just have to say NO. my tummy is totally bloated and couldn't be tugged-in, like im pregnant! yet Im so great full tht I wore baju kurung.. hahahaahaha but watever it is, is a wonderful experience, and not going to have ala carte lasagna in Itallianies anymore, unless there is a person tht want to share with me. But I definitely go to Itallianies for Lasagna :))
So after the celebration, we went for karaoke at RedBox (I owe Kasim RM14 for that) ;p so we sat in there for few hours and we sang our heart out!! Its surprising to find tht Nic and PJ is a good singer, nice voice....and seriously surprising to find out that Siti Nurhaliza's song Bukan Cinta Biasa is known to all of us...so basically I called tht 1 Malaysia song! ;p
It was a huge relive to all tht after the exam. The papers really deliberately killed us for having 5 conservative papers in 5 straight days, no break in the middle at all...AT ALL! Its killing our brain, head, body and every cells in our body...So for having this, really remove mountains of burdens off our shoulders :))
EXAM IS OVER!!!! WOOOTTTT!! But I'm a bit scared hows da result going to be like. WAHTEVER laaa dont want to think, now is the time for me to focus on my Skate Asia 2012, that is on 2-9 of August and my both event falls on the 4th of August :))) so need to practice on my backward wiggle & be accurate on the melody of the song!
Back to the story, after the final paper last Friday, we (the whole class, except Li Lu) went to Itallianies to celebrate our success-NESS of the Garden Of Light event. Supposedly, Mr D is joining but he had a meeting, so he couldn't join. So sad! So we went to Itallianies and sat and ordered laaa. There are 2 menus, one is the value lunch menu and one is ala carte menu. And as usual I will look for Lasagna...beef. So there is 2 lasagna, one is in the value lunch meal which it only cost RM20 including the drink and appetizer, and one is in the ala carte which is RM34 sumting laaa. So, I asked the cute waiter (damn! the waiters there are super handsome! SWEET!!) is the portion for lasagna ala carte and value meal is different, he said yes. because the ala carte one is made for sharing 2 person, and the ala carte is for 1 person portion laa. So, since we can spend like RM32 (money from the event) each, so I decided to go for ala carter one, is worth of the money and is just 2 person size portion, so whats the harm kan! And I ordered drinks too, non-alcoholic of course, but Nic and Marcella ordered beer..and boy! they are drunk, especially Nic..superb!
So few minutes later my food came, the lasagna that is suppose to be for 2 person came, and the lasagna is HUGE!!!! and CHEESY and YUMMY! Is super super humongous, that it is not for 2 but it is for 4 person sharing!!!! MUAHAHAHAAHA! So for me to be kind (as if!) ;p , I offered other people to taste (because once i start eating, dont bother me!) so some of them did take some and in my mind ok good less food to finish, and then I start eating. The first 10 scoop of lasagna to my mouth is wonderful and delicious, but when it comes to the 11th scoop, my dear Allah, I just want to puke (muak). But I dont want to throw out RM34 plus plus away, so I decided to eat it slowly, so I took my generous and ample time to eat it and seriously I MANAGE TO FINISH IT ALL! victory! And other type of food like the cake (we celebrated Felyn, Queeny and Han Ying birthday) I just have to say NO. my tummy is totally bloated and couldn't be tugged-in, like im pregnant! yet Im so great full tht I wore baju kurung.. hahahaahaha but watever it is, is a wonderful experience, and not going to have ala carte lasagna in Itallianies anymore, unless there is a person tht want to share with me. But I definitely go to Itallianies for Lasagna :))
So after the celebration, we went for karaoke at RedBox (I owe Kasim RM14 for that) ;p so we sat in there for few hours and we sang our heart out!! Its surprising to find tht Nic and PJ is a good singer, nice voice....and seriously surprising to find out that Siti Nurhaliza's song Bukan Cinta Biasa is known to all of us...so basically I called tht 1 Malaysia song! ;p
It was a huge relive to all tht after the exam. The papers really deliberately killed us for having 5 conservative papers in 5 straight days, no break in the middle at all...AT ALL! Its killing our brain, head, body and every cells in our body...So for having this, really remove mountains of burdens off our shoulders :))
Sunday, July 1, 2012
MUA?!?!?!!?
Dear Diary,
Damn! Skate Malaysia 2012 finally over! Its weird, last year I'm one of the people who helped to keep the event running & this year, I'm one of the contestant. Pelik tapi benar. But WAIT! Me? I skate? I mean seriously, ice skating..not normal skate on wheels or board but ice? ye ke? Haahahah! Until now I still cant believe that I did this sport. But HELL YEAH! I CAN ICE SKATE & IM PROUD PEOPLE! PROUD! Im ROUND and SKATING :D Ok ok...dont start to overwhelmed myself...but who cares! I CAN SKATE! hahaahahahaahaha! :D
What makes me skate? Well, I wanted to learn skating since forever. Since I was in high school. Its just Im not capable in transporting myself (rase cam time travel jherk) from Shah Alam to Sunway Pyramid. So, in the end, I couldnt learn how to skate. But I did skate for few times when I was in high school. The dream of learning how to skate, I just kept to myself I guess & by the way, that time I already taken up Taekwondo as my sport. FOCUS ON ONE! On what motivated me to skate is, I like to watch the ice skating movies & I like to watch people do artistic on ice (I watch on tv when they have some competition or performance) so, I was like "I want to do that, one day" "I will get to do that". Watching people move on ice flawlessly following the music and dance like a flying-ballerina makes smile & it was breathtaking. Even today, when I see Mirren Kaur skate, It just swept me on my feet & not forgetting Nicholas & Julian. That was when I started to like ice skating.
Remembered when people asked me about my comma "mase awak koma dulu pernah mimpi apa apa tak?" let me translate "when I was in comma, did I ever dream about anything?" and my answer was "I dont know" I answered that because I do dreamed and felt like I was in somewhere and doing things that I cudnt describe but it was a long journey, I was in comma for 4 months & how am I suppose to tell the whole thing? So my simple answer is I dont know. Ok back to the story. Why suddenly relate comma with ice skating? Merepek kan aQ nih? ;p Well its because, I did dreamed myself ice skate when I was in comma. I dont know if the readers gonna believe me or not, its for me to decide because I was in the comma so only I know what I dreamed of. But in my dream, I was a bit thinner then now (hahahah! maybe in the future) I was skating in circle, gracefully and without falling :D yeah! In the future! TARGET! ;p
Therefore, after I recovered from the comma, I make a checklist, because at that moment I know that life is short and uncertain, so I have to grasp all the possibilities and opportunities that may come towards me. And ice skating is definitely in my checklist. So I got myself to Sunway University taking diploma and after the canopy bridge was build, I often walked to Sunway Pyramid and my first pit-stop was the ice rink (0.05 possibilities yall might think it was McDonald RIGHT? but that was my second pit-stop ;p ) I stopped and looked down on the ice rink & prayed that one day Im able get to do that because I know I will. There is one day, Alan brought me to ice skate. And it was horrible. I couldnt balance myself and the whole skating trip I hold the side. Well, I do have a little bit problem with my balance after my comma. A 'little'. But it dosent stops me from from trying, since then, when I have the opportunity, I go down to the rink and skate, even though I have to hold by the side. But I still keep on coming.
After my diploma, I worked at the rink as the Skating Academy assistant (and I was recommended by the rink manager, cool rite!) so, then is when all of this begins. And now Im under the coolest-coach-ever! Coach Bee Leng. And I just finished my first ice skating competition and focusing to the next competition Skate Asia 2012 in August. Well, Im still in the beginners lever (pre-Alpha) but I wont stop until I get my Freestyle level Insya Allah. And not to forget, I wont be able do this without Allah SWT help. HE is the one that gave me the dream and with HIS blessing & care, HE gave me the strength and gave me back my balance and courage to do this. Alhamdulillah.
p/s: dah macam GRAMMY award nye speech dah aQ rase ;p
Damn! Skate Malaysia 2012 finally over! Its weird, last year I'm one of the people who helped to keep the event running & this year, I'm one of the contestant. Pelik tapi benar. But WAIT! Me? I skate? I mean seriously, ice skating..not normal skate on wheels or board but ice? ye ke? Haahahah! Until now I still cant believe that I did this sport. But HELL YEAH! I CAN ICE SKATE & IM PROUD PEOPLE! PROUD! Im ROUND and SKATING :D Ok ok...dont start to overwhelmed myself...but who cares! I CAN SKATE! hahaahahahaahaha! :D
What makes me skate? Well, I wanted to learn skating since forever. Since I was in high school. Its just Im not capable in transporting myself (rase cam time travel jherk) from Shah Alam to Sunway Pyramid. So, in the end, I couldnt learn how to skate. But I did skate for few times when I was in high school. The dream of learning how to skate, I just kept to myself I guess & by the way, that time I already taken up Taekwondo as my sport. FOCUS ON ONE! On what motivated me to skate is, I like to watch the ice skating movies & I like to watch people do artistic on ice (I watch on tv when they have some competition or performance) so, I was like "I want to do that, one day" "I will get to do that". Watching people move on ice flawlessly following the music and dance like a flying-ballerina makes smile & it was breathtaking. Even today, when I see Mirren Kaur skate, It just swept me on my feet & not forgetting Nicholas & Julian. That was when I started to like ice skating.Remembered when people asked me about my comma "mase awak koma dulu pernah mimpi apa apa tak?" let me translate "when I was in comma, did I ever dream about anything?" and my answer was "I dont know" I answered that because I do dreamed and felt like I was in somewhere and doing things that I cudnt describe but it was a long journey, I was in comma for 4 months & how am I suppose to tell the whole thing? So my simple answer is I dont know. Ok back to the story. Why suddenly relate comma with ice skating? Merepek kan aQ nih? ;p Well its because, I did dreamed myself ice skate when I was in comma. I dont know if the readers gonna believe me or not, its for me to decide because I was in the comma so only I know what I dreamed of. But in my dream, I was a bit thinner then now (hahahah! maybe in the future) I was skating in circle, gracefully and without falling :D yeah! In the future! TARGET! ;p
Therefore, after I recovered from the comma, I make a checklist, because at that moment I know that life is short and uncertain, so I have to grasp all the possibilities and opportunities that may come towards me. And ice skating is definitely in my checklist. So I got myself to Sunway University taking diploma and after the canopy bridge was build, I often walked to Sunway Pyramid and my first pit-stop was the ice rink (0.05 possibilities yall might think it was McDonald RIGHT? but that was my second pit-stop ;p ) I stopped and looked down on the ice rink & prayed that one day Im able get to do that because I know I will. There is one day, Alan brought me to ice skate. And it was horrible. I couldnt balance myself and the whole skating trip I hold the side. Well, I do have a little bit problem with my balance after my comma. A 'little'. But it dosent stops me from from trying, since then, when I have the opportunity, I go down to the rink and skate, even though I have to hold by the side. But I still keep on coming.
After my diploma, I worked at the rink as the Skating Academy assistant (and I was recommended by the rink manager, cool rite!) so, then is when all of this begins. And now Im under the coolest-coach-ever! Coach Bee Leng. And I just finished my first ice skating competition and focusing to the next competition Skate Asia 2012 in August. Well, Im still in the beginners lever (pre-Alpha) but I wont stop until I get my Freestyle level Insya Allah. And not to forget, I wont be able do this without Allah SWT help. HE is the one that gave me the dream and with HIS blessing & care, HE gave me the strength and gave me back my balance and courage to do this. Alhamdulillah.
p/s: dah macam GRAMMY award nye speech dah aQ rase ;p
Friday, June 29, 2012
Just Another Day
Dear Diary,
I think Ill fail my Managing People paper :( I know I still have 1 more week to prepare but I just have no confident on it. I sucks on my assignments! I flunk my 1st assignment horribly, like seriously horrible!! I got like 8.2/20%...its not even half! and how am I suppose to be confident on passing this paper?
Ouh well, if Im being the positive me Ill just say "I can do it!" "work harder! DOUBLE THE EFFORT" but the truth is........THERE IS NO ANY TRUTH, JUST THE REALITY! And tomorrow, well I have Skate Malaysia 2012, ice skating competition..yea me! Ice skating...cant believe it? Well Im not professional like I was in Taekwondo but just wanted to try sumting new. ;p I think, only that can make me smile now. Tho Im freaking nervous, I treat this as an experience, I jst noe Ill be laugh at but what the heck! EXPERIENCE~
WISH GOOD LUCK FOR ME, TOMORROW :)
I think Ill fail my Managing People paper :( I know I still have 1 more week to prepare but I just have no confident on it. I sucks on my assignments! I flunk my 1st assignment horribly, like seriously horrible!! I got like 8.2/20%...its not even half! and how am I suppose to be confident on passing this paper?
Ouh well, if Im being the positive me Ill just say "I can do it!" "work harder! DOUBLE THE EFFORT" but the truth is........THERE IS NO ANY TRUTH, JUST THE REALITY! And tomorrow, well I have Skate Malaysia 2012, ice skating competition..yea me! Ice skating...cant believe it? Well Im not professional like I was in Taekwondo but just wanted to try sumting new. ;p I think, only that can make me smile now. Tho Im freaking nervous, I treat this as an experience, I jst noe Ill be laugh at but what the heck! EXPERIENCE~
(Ill doing this & I sucks on it!) ;p
WISH GOOD LUCK FOR ME, TOMORROW :)
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Shadow
Dear Diary,
I have nothing to say except to spill out words of regrets that is now overlapped by the hard-work of happiness :)
Well it goes like this; If you treat as a shadow, then I will treat you like one too. Life is about karma & karma can sometimes be a bitch when it comes and smack back in your face. So, I am not that desperate.
Thank you.
I have nothing to say except to spill out words of regrets that is now overlapped by the hard-work of happiness :)
Monday, June 25, 2012
Soalan Dari Mummy
Dear Diary,
Terkejut gak aQ bile Mummy tetibe tanye "Dia dah habis belaja dah?" aQ dah laa tgh kerah otak nak buat assignment, terhenti kejap otak aQ kejap bile dengar soalan tuh patu tgk muka Mummy. Mummy tgh duduk kat sebelah meja makan (I used the dining table as my study table bcoz of the ample space ;p ) berdepan ngn aQ. aQ pown jawab "Dia tgh sebok dengan FYP dia kot, bcoz his friends is also doing the same thing.......I guess". Mummy guna perkataan 'DIA' tp dari raut wajah Mummy tuh aQ dpt capture maksud 'DIA' Mummy tuh is refering to tht particular someone that I used to be close-friend with. Then Mummy tanye lagi "Its middle of the year, selalunye dah habis laa kan?" then I answered "I actually dont know about him anymore! (its screaming out loud inside my heart but tak cakap pon, yg aQ cakap is) Tak kot, sbb kalau tgkkan budak budak UITM sume baru nak exam kot, cam my friends kat penang dulu Nisa sume..." dengan confident-nya aQ jawab soalan tuh, tp padahalnye betul ataw tak aQ sendiri tk pasti.
Terkesima tuh memang terkesima tp pada masa yg same pown hati aQ pown terase gak pedihnye. Mane taknye, memang laa aQ dah delete dia dr friendlist aQ sejak suatu hari datangnya satu msg dalam inbox menanyakan aQ suatu soalan 'Hi, u sape ek?' tgk name tak kenal so aQ pergi laa profile, check punye check kawan kpd kawan aQ tuh laa. Menurut sejarah, this will never turn out well. So, nak tk nak aQ delete msg tuh dan sekali gus aQ delete laa sekali 'DIA' yg Mummy tanye tuh. Dramatik kan! So sebab tuh laaa aQ macam terkilan siket tadi, but nak buat macam mane kan bak ape yg die suke cakap "dah takdir..." hmmm so takdir, kalu ade takdir bertembung blk, kalu tkde separate ways laa kite yeee...
Tapi ye laa, dah berbulan tk tanye tetibe lak Mummy tanye? Haih! ade telekinatik ke ape? hurmp! Whatever laaaa, I still consider him as my friend despite everything dat has happen, just let the 'takdir' be da judge ;p SAFAWATI KAMARUDDIN................STUDY!!!~
Terkejut gak aQ bile Mummy tetibe tanye "Dia dah habis belaja dah?" aQ dah laa tgh kerah otak nak buat assignment, terhenti kejap otak aQ kejap bile dengar soalan tuh patu tgk muka Mummy. Mummy tgh duduk kat sebelah meja makan (I used the dining table as my study table bcoz of the ample space ;p ) berdepan ngn aQ. aQ pown jawab "Dia tgh sebok dengan FYP dia kot, bcoz his friends is also doing the same thing.......I guess". Mummy guna perkataan 'DIA' tp dari raut wajah Mummy tuh aQ dpt capture maksud 'DIA' Mummy tuh is refering to tht particular someone that I used to be close-friend with. Then Mummy tanye lagi "Its middle of the year, selalunye dah habis laa kan?" then I answered "I actually dont know about him anymore! (its screaming out loud inside my heart but tak cakap pon, yg aQ cakap is) Tak kot, sbb kalau tgkkan budak budak UITM sume baru nak exam kot, cam my friends kat penang dulu Nisa sume..." dengan confident-nya aQ jawab soalan tuh, tp padahalnye betul ataw tak aQ sendiri tk pasti.
Terkesima tuh memang terkesima tp pada masa yg same pown hati aQ pown terase gak pedihnye. Mane taknye, memang laa aQ dah delete dia dr friendlist aQ sejak suatu hari datangnya satu msg dalam inbox menanyakan aQ suatu soalan 'Hi, u sape ek?' tgk name tak kenal so aQ pergi laa profile, check punye check kawan kpd kawan aQ tuh laa. Menurut sejarah, this will never turn out well. So, nak tk nak aQ delete msg tuh dan sekali gus aQ delete laa sekali 'DIA' yg Mummy tanye tuh. Dramatik kan! So sebab tuh laaa aQ macam terkilan siket tadi, but nak buat macam mane kan bak ape yg die suke cakap "dah takdir..." hmmm so takdir, kalu ade takdir bertembung blk, kalu tkde separate ways laa kite yeee...
Tapi ye laa, dah berbulan tk tanye tetibe lak Mummy tanye? Haih! ade telekinatik ke ape? hurmp! Whatever laaaa, I still consider him as my friend despite everything dat has happen, just let the 'takdir' be da judge ;p SAFAWATI KAMARUDDIN................STUDY!!!~
Saturday, June 23, 2012
The Boy I Once Knew
The boy I once knew
He could relate life to mine
The boy I once knew
He brighten up my life
He lift me up
When I'm drowning and I couldn't breath
He look up to me
As I would fly away, keep me near
He would make me laugh
As there nothing else I could had feared
He will be beside me
As I falling down, shed a tear
The boy I once knew
He won't back down from a fight
The boy I once knew
He work his way up to the sky
He knows how to find me
When I'm hiding down on my knees
He shows me the light
When the candle were blown by the wind
He gave me the courage
For me to go on with my dreams
He will say "I'm sorry"
When I'm the one should had been blamed
I should had never pushed you away
So please forgive me, be here and stay
Fly away
To the years
To the place where we first met
To the promises that had been broken
To the stories that never ends
Fly away
Don't come back
Leave me here shattered and broken
I'll be back up to take on my dreams
Without you holding the pieces
The boy I once knew
He would relate life to mine
Safawati Kamaruddin, 23 June 2012
p/s: It's actually the 4th song I written. It just I don't know how to play any music instrument to make up the melody. I wish I have the skills to play any music instrument but I don't. So I do writing instead! :)
Sunday, June 17, 2012
A Stepping Stone; Garden Of Light
Dear Diary,
Finally it is OVER! I want to scream out loud that this thing is over, finish, finito! ;p But whatever it is, I do had fun and experienced a lot of things during this 3 months process. Sometime, things happen weirdly, the things that I really planned early, throughoutly and specificly tak menjadi. But the things that had been rejected is the one that fit the picture perfectly.
For this event, I chose to be in charge of the decorations. And since the theme is Garden of Light so, the first thing tht came out to my otak is Fullhouse and i-City. How on earth I want to combine that 2 venues in The Dining Room? But I did managed to proposed sumting to the board & the board seems to agree. Throughout the way of making this decoration a success, banyak sangat halangan yg ditempuh. Assignments jangan cakaplaa, group work, presentations and peperangan dalam board members tuh sendiri. If I let my feelings get over me, I think I already quit. But I tried to hard to control myself from doing that because I think that if I cant survive this, Ill not going to survive the real world. Masalah tuh tetap akan berlaku walau kite kat mane pown. Cume yang bezakan aQ dengan orang lain, Im not a QUITTER & I wont WALK-OUT from my problems, walau sakit macam mane hati, walau its the most frustrated thing in the world. If aQ yg bertanggungjawab, aQ tkkn mudah mengalah!
From this journey, I get to noe and understand more on people behaviour. Kalu tengokkan, memang this event has bring out the true colours of everyone, including me. Macam tak percaya pon ada, tapi when the thing became so stressful u just want to let it go, then dari situ perwatakkan seseorang akan lebih menyerlah. Even how much u want to hide it, u just cant. I can categorized a few of the personalities. 1st is the 'Bossy' type; suruh sarah orang lain sana sini but diri sendiri tak de laa berape banyak sangat nak contribute. 2nd is the 'Dreamer' type; want this and that, promise to this and that, and want people make this and that but in the end, nothing. 3rd is the 'You-Know-All' type; taw semua bende but bile datang dekat hal sendiri, tak taw nak buat macam mane. 4th the 'Its-Not-My-Problem' type; the event is a group work, yes it was separated to different department and responsibilities, but it is still a group work not individual and others dont have to bother. 5th the 'Lets-Do-This' type; wow! this person is the most bersemangat punya orang sampai sanggup korbankan sume bende yg has the same level of priority. 6th is the 'Team Player'; from this event, I know which people are really FRIENDS or a TEAM and who is NOT.
From this event to, had pushed out people unwanted or unnoticed capabilities & qualities. Sebanarnya tak sedar pown yang diri sendiri boleh pergi sejauh itu. U just dont realised that u have that talent hidden inside and this event Garden of Light does really shine the talent inside you. Good or bad talent dosent really matter, kalau the talent is good just polish it up more laaa, if the talent is bad, then if u notice u have to do sumting about it, FAST!
My dreams in the end of the day is to open up an event planning business and also a restaurant and an owner of McDonald franchise ;p So event nih, mmg aQ anggap macam satu pengalaman yg paling berharga, cos this is the thing that Ill going to do after all. Penat memanglaa penat, but this is wat I want so this is the struggle that I have to go with. Sebab tuh blog kali nih tajuk dia 'A Stepping Stone' cz event and responsibility tht I hold yg lebih membuatkan aQ yakin with my dreams. I now that I still need to learn more, this one event its not enough, there are a lot lot lot more to learn. And there are things that I need to improve such as temper, time management, planning, control, trust and details. My working together skill still need to brush up, well that is basically fall into 'trust'. I do not trust people easily, so that is the reason why I tend to do all the things on my own.
Anything, anything we do in this world will get feedbacks. Anything and everything and even how hard we try to be perfect but still received a negative input. Tuh biasela kan, human wil never be perfect. But that is not an excuse to not to be perfect or to not improved ourselves. Comments yg Mr D bagi at the end of the event, mmg sesuatu yg mengejutkan and unpredictable. But what he say its true, we are just to focus on one thing until forgets the other details. The small small touch or things yg kita pikir its just a small matter but if we noticed that matter and see it as a big matter, it will make a big difference to the whole event. Be precise, sense of urgency, observe and react sangat sangat IMPORTANT in running an event. Well, eventho ada rase sedih but I take Mr D feedback as an important wake-up-call to improve myself and I do take it personally but in a way that I will prove to him that I can be that person one day!
So, u want to see what is the end result of my responsibilities? Here it goes :)
Before i forget! THANK YOU TO ALL THE PEOPLE THAT HELPED ME TO MAKE MY GARDEN OF LIGHT CAME TRUE :) I LOVE YOU ALL <3
Finally it is OVER! I want to scream out loud that this thing is over, finish, finito! ;p But whatever it is, I do had fun and experienced a lot of things during this 3 months process. Sometime, things happen weirdly, the things that I really planned early, throughoutly and specificly tak menjadi. But the things that had been rejected is the one that fit the picture perfectly.
For this event, I chose to be in charge of the decorations. And since the theme is Garden of Light so, the first thing tht came out to my otak is Fullhouse and i-City. How on earth I want to combine that 2 venues in The Dining Room? But I did managed to proposed sumting to the board & the board seems to agree. Throughout the way of making this decoration a success, banyak sangat halangan yg ditempuh. Assignments jangan cakaplaa, group work, presentations and peperangan dalam board members tuh sendiri. If I let my feelings get over me, I think I already quit. But I tried to hard to control myself from doing that because I think that if I cant survive this, Ill not going to survive the real world. Masalah tuh tetap akan berlaku walau kite kat mane pown. Cume yang bezakan aQ dengan orang lain, Im not a QUITTER & I wont WALK-OUT from my problems, walau sakit macam mane hati, walau its the most frustrated thing in the world. If aQ yg bertanggungjawab, aQ tkkn mudah mengalah!
From this journey, I get to noe and understand more on people behaviour. Kalu tengokkan, memang this event has bring out the true colours of everyone, including me. Macam tak percaya pon ada, tapi when the thing became so stressful u just want to let it go, then dari situ perwatakkan seseorang akan lebih menyerlah. Even how much u want to hide it, u just cant. I can categorized a few of the personalities. 1st is the 'Bossy' type; suruh sarah orang lain sana sini but diri sendiri tak de laa berape banyak sangat nak contribute. 2nd is the 'Dreamer' type; want this and that, promise to this and that, and want people make this and that but in the end, nothing. 3rd is the 'You-Know-All' type; taw semua bende but bile datang dekat hal sendiri, tak taw nak buat macam mane. 4th the 'Its-Not-My-Problem' type; the event is a group work, yes it was separated to different department and responsibilities, but it is still a group work not individual and others dont have to bother. 5th the 'Lets-Do-This' type; wow! this person is the most bersemangat punya orang sampai sanggup korbankan sume bende yg has the same level of priority. 6th is the 'Team Player'; from this event, I know which people are really FRIENDS or a TEAM and who is NOT.
From this event to, had pushed out people unwanted or unnoticed capabilities & qualities. Sebanarnya tak sedar pown yang diri sendiri boleh pergi sejauh itu. U just dont realised that u have that talent hidden inside and this event Garden of Light does really shine the talent inside you. Good or bad talent dosent really matter, kalau the talent is good just polish it up more laaa, if the talent is bad, then if u notice u have to do sumting about it, FAST!
My dreams in the end of the day is to open up an event planning business and also a restaurant and an owner of McDonald franchise ;p So event nih, mmg aQ anggap macam satu pengalaman yg paling berharga, cos this is the thing that Ill going to do after all. Penat memanglaa penat, but this is wat I want so this is the struggle that I have to go with. Sebab tuh blog kali nih tajuk dia 'A Stepping Stone' cz event and responsibility tht I hold yg lebih membuatkan aQ yakin with my dreams. I now that I still need to learn more, this one event its not enough, there are a lot lot lot more to learn. And there are things that I need to improve such as temper, time management, planning, control, trust and details. My working together skill still need to brush up, well that is basically fall into 'trust'. I do not trust people easily, so that is the reason why I tend to do all the things on my own.
Anything, anything we do in this world will get feedbacks. Anything and everything and even how hard we try to be perfect but still received a negative input. Tuh biasela kan, human wil never be perfect. But that is not an excuse to not to be perfect or to not improved ourselves. Comments yg Mr D bagi at the end of the event, mmg sesuatu yg mengejutkan and unpredictable. But what he say its true, we are just to focus on one thing until forgets the other details. The small small touch or things yg kita pikir its just a small matter but if we noticed that matter and see it as a big matter, it will make a big difference to the whole event. Be precise, sense of urgency, observe and react sangat sangat IMPORTANT in running an event. Well, eventho ada rase sedih but I take Mr D feedback as an important wake-up-call to improve myself and I do take it personally but in a way that I will prove to him that I can be that person one day!
So, u want to see what is the end result of my responsibilities? Here it goes :)
Before i forget! THANK YOU TO ALL THE PEOPLE THAT HELPED ME TO MAKE MY GARDEN OF LIGHT CAME TRUE :) I LOVE YOU ALL <3
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)