I am not angry, Im just sad. So sad to think how foolish I was to be easily to trust someone? Am I that desperate? Oh gosh! I still remember how stubborn I was, how incredibly hard heart-ed I was and how difficult for me to trust someone especially the opposite gender, for God sake, I couldnt even trust my own family back then, so how am I suppose to trust someone that is not my family?!?
But I guess, that was then, I think. Is it because that Im now aging? Or because since Mummy passed, I just need someone? Or Im just simply desperate?? Oh Safawati Kamaruddin, how low can I be to be that desperate? Remember the pack that I made to myself? Remember all the hate and the avenges that I carried all this while and what I had been through that has been caused the pain in me physically and mentally??
Its normal for people to have heart, but its not typical when a person that had been through all that pain, lies, betrayal and just fucked-up-gentlemen has a brain to actually willing themselves to go through all that AGAIN?? So now, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??!!??
I know that God let this situation to happen is to test me, whether Im strong enough to face this and if Im capable to keep the promise to myself. But I am surely, entirely so sure that I had FAIL the test terribly with flying colours!! ALL RED!
Gosh! I hate my life! Why cant I just go through something that is less hurtful, something that wont my heart ache or stomach curls and twists. Something that wont break my heart to pieces. Why cant I just have a happy life?